the jamelah one hundred

Isn’t it, like, a requirement to have one of those 100 Things posts? I think so, yeah. I used to have one. Or actually, I had two. I made a list the first time the meme went around many long years ago, and then it went around again, so I did it again. Because if nothing else is true about me as a blogger, then it would be this: I am powerless against memes. Seriously. Anyway, here I am. It’s Sunday and I’m in a remarkably excellent mood, so what better time is there to inflict upon you a giant list of things about me? Can’t think of one. Lasciate ogni speranza voi ch’intrate, etc.

1. I was born on September 11, 1979.
2. I was two months premature, and probably should have died, but my mom played a game of “Let’s Make A Deal” with God and I’m alive. My middle name is Faith as a sign of this.
3. My first name, Jamelah, is Arabic for “beautiful.” All very well and good, but I think it has more to do with the fact that my mom wanted to name me after her brother James while also naming me something that reflected my ethnicity (my father is from Yemen). Very clever, my mom.
4. All my life, people have been mispronouncing my name in incredibly fascinating ways. It’s very simple. It rhymes with “tequila.”
5. While on the subject of my name, I’ll tell you that I have a vast array of nicknames. So many nicknames that it’s almost mind-boggling. I don’t mind nicknames; sometimes they’re sweet, sometimes they’re amusing, but out of everything, I still prefer being called Jamelah.
6. I first kissed a boy when I was five. I was at a wedding, dancing with one of my kindergarten classmates, and this other girl (who was about the same age and was my best friend for the day, though I never saw her again) came up to me and said “I dare you to kiss him.” So I kissed him. That meant he was my boyfriend. It would never be so simple again.
7. I really am addicted to lip gloss.
8. I was in my first play when I was four. It was a Christmas play and I was a lamb at the manger. I was supposed to be silent and adorable in my lamb costume, in awe of the Baby Jesus, and all, but I felt that my awe would be best expressed by yelling “BAA!” on repeat. Acting! Brilliant!
9. I used to get into trouble for stealing things.
10. My mother worked, so my grandparents had a large hand in raising me. I took great pleasure in driving them nuts. My grandfather died when I was 7. I was there when he died, and I still miss him. To this day, he remains the smartest man I have ever known.
11. Overall, I was a pretty good kid, but I sure did get into trouble a lot. My mother would say “Someday you’re going to have kids just like you.” This thought terrifies me. Mainly because I know what I was like when I was a teenager.
12. Speaking of kids, I love them, but I’ve always loved giving them back to their parents even more. I always thought that biological clock stuff was bullshit, but now that I’m on the cusp of 30, I realize that no, it’s totally real. Oh dear.
13. Even so, I am not in any sort of rush at all to have children. I have a dog. She’s enough.
14. I have ADD and I’m hyper. Though for the most part, you’ll never catch me bouncing off the walls, I do have an incredibly hard time sitting still, and focusing on a single task is nearly impossible. In live conversation I tend to be very scattered, and I often forget what I was talking about, mainly because by the time my mouth gets around to forming words, my brain has already moved onto something else. I have never been able to write a single paragraph without getting up at least once, even if it’s only just to walk around the room before sitting down again.
15. For the reasons listed above, I prefer text or instant messages to talking on the phone. I can keep up with the conversation better that way. I’m better in person, though. Something about having a live human being in front of me tends to help me stay on track. Sort of.
16. If I don’t write things down, I will forget them forever.
17. I lose things constantly and am in awe of people who are organized. I long to be organized and I try really hard but no matter what I do, I always seem to end up erring on the side of chaos.
18. All of my favorite memories involve looking at stars.
19. When I was a kid, and I mean a young kid, under 10, I was fascinated with medicine and I would read big heavy tomes about anatomy and physiology. I of course didn’t understand everything I read, but I did memorize the names of all the bones in the human body. This just goes to show you that I have always been this big of a nerd. I was going to be a doctor when I grew up. I totally missed that one, didn’t I?
20. It’s okay. I don’t want to be a doctor anymore.
21. I’m very strong. I mean physically. I’m a good friend to have when you need to move heavy things.
22. If you’re having a bad day, I try to be the kind of friend who will distract you and make you laugh until you have to pee.
23. The thought of physical pain or personal injury never deters me from doing things. I have the scars to prove it.
24. Though I have managed to make it through life without getting arrested, I have a very wide rebellious streak and I’m amazingly stubborn. This often tends to manifest itself as me refusing to do things that other people think would be a good idea. (I like getting advice but I very rarely follow it.) This is often very stupid and I tend to get angry at myself for it, but no matter what, it seems, I am determined to carve my own path.
25. Though I write about myself on the internet, which tends to create a strange (and somewhat false) sense of intimacy, it has been said that I am more impossible to read than Finnegans Wake. I have an excellent poker face.
26. Underneath it all, I am a total sap. Don’t tell anyone. I have a reputation to uphold.
27. On one side I am descended from Arabs and on the other side I am descended from Southerners, and no offense to either, but both are storytelling cultures prone to tall tales (some would call this “bullshit”) and I am gifted in the art of making stuff up on the fly. I love gullible people.
28. Now you’re never going to believe anything I say ever again, right? So I guess I should say that even though I might mess with you a little bit from time to time (and only ever in person because I love watching people’s faces), I always come clean afterwards. It’s a lesson my mother taught me, by making me spend a week sitting at a table with a Bible and a stack of paper and some pencils, writing down every verse about lying, liars and lies, memorizing one verse a day, and reciting it to her each evening when she came home from work. Not a fun week, that. But I’ll never forget it. I was 8.
29. I talk with my hands a lot.
30. I had my tonsils out when I was 10. It was then that I learned that codeine makes me barf. Awesome!
31. How many times do I have to tell you? I am terrified of spiders.
32. I do not understand the combination of sugar and meat. That is not a euphemism.
33. I can be very argumentative. Sometimes I pick fights just because. It really is a wonder that I’m still single.
34. I like stealing boys’ t-shirts. I’m all out. It’s time to start dating.
35. I was raised to be very polite, and I am very polite, for the most part. The fact that I can swear like a sailor with Tourette’s (in more than one language!) is a natural side-effect, I think.
36. I am very very midwestern in many ways and this is always pointed out to me by people from other parts of the country. I love the midwest, as wholesome and dorky as it is, because for one thing, we have euchre.
37. Sometimes I have a southern accent. I don’t get it either.
38. I always wanted to be tall. I am a total failure at this.
39. At some point I’ve already told you all of this stuff already, haven’t I? Sigh.
40. Despite the fact that I’m an Arab, I get guessed as every ethnicity under the sun, except Arab. The only people who seem to be able to tell by looking at me are other Arabs. And those airport security guys.
41. Speaking of airport security, I have never been able to get on a plane without getting searched. I’ve developed a casual attitude about it, because what other kind of attitude can I have? If I act irritated it only makes the process longer and more annoying. And besides, if they really want to inspect my blowdryer, then have at it, I say.
42. I was once asked four times by a customs agent in Chicago O’Hare if I was bringing meat into the country. Four times! Meat! It was 3 in the morning! How was I supposed to keep a straight face?
43. I really don’t like it when people touch my ears. Don’t touch my ears. I’m getting creeped out just thinking about it.
44. Despite what it says on the packaging, I really don’t believe Miller High Life is the champagne of beers.
45. I have such a bad dating track record that I don’t trust myself when I like people anymore.
46. I am terrible at most things that involve hand-eye coordination. I guess I’ll never be a sniper.
47. I am competitive and somewhat bossy. It’s really so charming.
48. I usually don’t remember my dreams, but when I do, it’s because I’ve had a lucid dream. Do you know about lucid dreaming? Where you’re conscious of the fact that you’re dreaming as you dream? Dream, dream, dreamity dream. That word doesn’t make sense anymore. Anyway, some people think this is a cool experience but I always find it immensely frustrating.
49. I guess I talk in my sleep. It makes me nervous to fall asleep around other people because I’m always afraid of what I might say when I’m unconscious.
50. I do not like big stores, like Meijer and Wal-Mart. They make me nervous. Not really nervous. Anxious and full of hatred for humanity? Maybe that’s closer to the truth. But when it comes to Target I am a giant, big-store hypocrite because I fucking love that place. Even though if I go there to buy one thing I always end up buying a lot of things. I sincerely believe it’s impossible to get out the door for less than $100.
51. Isn’t this list so insanely fascinating? I know. But take heart, because we’re in the last half now. I’m finding this incredibly difficult because I’m almost certain I’ve written every single pointless fact about myself already, even if I did delete my blog and so all those pointless facts are gone now. What’s that? I could try sharing something deep and/or meaningful? That’s just crazy talk.
52. You know what I hate? When people talk to me after I’ve just woken up. It makes me want to punch them. Even so, sometimes I wake up with a thought or an idea that I have to talk about right then. And then I expect whoever is available to listen to me. I’m so unpredictable!
53. In many ways, I have not gotten over being an awkward teenager. In many ways, I still am an awkward teenager. Except I’m 29.
54. I’m not really a fan of yelling. I’d much rather seethe quietly.
55. Sometimes when I’m too lazy to cook, which is often, I will just eat microwave popcorn for dinner. I am a model of healthy living.
56. When I was little, my grandfather used to sing the song “Froggy Went A-Courtin’” to me. I once found a version of it sung by Paul McCartney, and I can’t remember what my grandfather’s voice sounded like so sometimes I listen to it and pretend.
57. Despite all my clumsiness, which is legendary, I have never broken a bone.
58. This one time I drove across town shirtless and covered in peanut butter. It’s more innocent than it sounds. Way more innocent. But do you know that it’s really hard to wash peanut butter out of your hair? Because it IS.
59. I can’t listen to the song “Welcome to the Jungle” without thinking of powdered donuts. I wish I could explain that, but I can’t.
60. I failed driver’s ed the first time because I got into a fight with my teacher on the last day and maybe I said “Fine, why don’t you drive?” And maybe I mumbled “Prick” under my breath except not really under my breath. It was fine, though, because for one thing, he really was a prick, and for another thing, it totally wasn’t shameful at all to have to wait a year to take the class again. Not at all. A couple of months later, my mother was doing a building inspection-type thing and tripped over some lumber on someone’s unfinished deck and broke her elbow so badly it had to be replaced. That meant I did all the driving. Illegally! That’s my favorite kind of driving, by the way. I mean, I’m just kidding.
61. I am a master of parallel parking. A MASTER!
62. When I was a senior in high school, it got to be May and I still hadn’t chosen a college. I was taking an AP exam (in English. Literature. Of course) and I had to pick a school for them to send my scores to… on the spot I chose Albion College. I’m still not entirely sure what prompted this decision, especially because I didn’t want to stay in my hometown, but whatever. I ended up being mostly happy with my pick, because had I not gone to Albion, I would not have met my wifey in the romantic atmosphere of Jim Diedrick’s newswriting class that had that weird German guy in it.
63. I am a little uptight about misuses of my beloved English. My latest annoyance is when people write phase (noun) when they mean faze (verb).
64. My mom and I lived in the projects until I was 4. The thing about having no money when you’re a kid is that you have absolutely no concept of having no money. It was great. All my friends lived close by and anyone’s mother could yell at us, because we were all weirdly fascinated with climbing this pile of dirt and glass that was on one end of the parking lot. There was this pimp named Uncle Mingo who my mom told me I was not allowed to talk to, but he was pretty nice. He would give us candy.
65. I do not believe in fate.
66. I actually enjoyed Paradise Lost. I first had to read it in a class taught by a professor who used to yell “Tequila Swirl!” (because it rhymes with my name, see) at me across the quad while I would sheepishly wave and people would stare.
67. Other than my beloved Michigan, Virginia is probably my favorite state. I’m telling you this, even though sadly I have never been further west than Tulsa, Oklahoma. Isn’t that pathetic? I know.
68. I went to Catholic school for a year. Second grade. I got sent to the principal’s office at least twice a week. He always threatened me with the paddle, but he never did it. This did not stop me from telling people he did it though, and extorting sympathy candy from my friends. So I was a little con artist. Sue me.
69. In fourth grade, I got detention for two weeks. The best part is that I didn’t even do anything, but I happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, talking to the totally wrong girl. When we got sent to the principal’s office, my other innocent friend and I tried to explain what had happened but he was a very intimidating man, this principal, and he bellowed “NO EXCUSES!” at us, so we shut up and dealt with our punishment. The funny bit is that the girl who actually did something wrong sucked up to the detention lady and the detention lady bought her a Christmas present whereas my friend and I? We were scum.
70. Speaking of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, I happened to be in one of the school bathrooms at a time when some other girls were vandalizing it, so I got sent to the principal’s office with them and every day after school for a week, we had to pick up garbage on the playground.
71. After that, I managed to stay out of trouble until my freshman year of high school, when I ended up in detention a few times. But I deserved it.
72. I never skipped school until the second semester of my 10th grade year, but after that I couldn’t get enough of it. Playing hooky is one of life’s true pleasures.
73. One time I accidentally set my friend’s car on fire. I am a menace.
74. I have this nervous habit of tearing up napkins and placemats when I’m in diners. Once I stuffed all of this in an ashtray and then a few minutes later, for reasons beyond my understanding, I set it on fire. I did not expect such a giant plume of flames. My friend and I put it out rather quickly and then hid the mess in a plant. When the waitress came by she asked “Do you smell something burning?” and we said “No. Burning? Are you kidding? THAT’S HILARIOUS!” (That may not be an actual quote, but it was similar.) The moral of this story is that… oh, I already told you. I am a menace.
75. I have double-jointed thumbs. I am never going to stop finding this entertaining.
76. Eating in front of strangers makes me very nervous. First dates involving dinner? Torture.
77. Sometimes I kind of laugh like Muttley.
78. This one time, I was kidnapped by pirates, and, okay I’m making that up but it would’ve been an awesome story, because there would’ve been this one pirate that looked exactly like Johnny Depp. Ah. Anyway, um, how about something true? Okay… I am a person who has seen a lot of movie musicals. Seriously. A lot.
79. I first tried drinking at the tender age of 13.
80. You know what movie always makes me cry? Roman Holiday. Gregory Peck and Audrey Hepburn. Oh yes. And the end, where she turns around and she has that tear in her eye? Gets me. Every. Damn. Time. Oh also in Love, Actually when the little boy says “Let’s go get the shit kicked out of us by love” my heart grows three sizes.
81. You know how sometimes you’ll be driving somewhere and there’s an abandoned car on the side of the road? Every time I drive past one of those, I always think it’s going to blow up and I’ll be able to watch it explode in my rear view mirror. To this day, not a single one has blown up, yet I keep expecting it. Yes, I have seen too many movies.
82. The third toe on my left foot is longer than my second toe, however on my right foot, my third toe is shorter than my second toe, as it should be. I have alien freak toes.
83. Speaking of digits, I have very long fingers and can reach just about an octave and a half on a piano (I can only do 11 keys, can’t quite get the 12th). I never should’ve given up piano lessons.
84. I have a scar on my knee from this time I fell down on a mountain in Sorrento, Italy. I have two other knee scars from this time I fell down in my kitchen because I wasn’t quite awake and I wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing. I look great in skirts.
85. Speaking of markings (I’m really reaching now, aren’t I?) I have a chicken pox scar on the side of my nose. I have freckles. I have a tiny birthmark on my left calf. It’s sort of shaped like South Carolina.
86. Sadly, I think I would have no problem being a total hermit. As it is, I already avoid the phone. If I didn’t have to talk to people, I could go for days without speaking aloud.
87. I still haven’t decided if I like camping or not.
88. I think about Samuel Beckett a lot and get lines from his work stuck in my head the same way I get songs stuck in there. Having stuff like “Nothing is funnier than unhappiness,” play on a loop in your brain is sure to fuck you up a little bit. You figure it out.
89. I really love Pringles. A lot.
90. I hate cold weather. This winter I think I’m going to move to the equator.
91. When I was four, I think, I was in Arkansas, and I met this boy who was maybe six (I always did have a thing for older men) and I said “I am going to marry this boy.” I think I decided I was going to marry him because we both fit in a chair together and we held hands so it must’ve been love. Totally a good reason. Of course I did not marry that boy, nor do I even remember his name. Every once in awhile though my grandmother will bring him up, sort of a “HUH? REMEMBER HOW YOU WERE GOING TO GET MARRIED?” type of thing.
92. Sometimes I stare at men’s hands and don’t listen to what they’re saying. I am also a sucker for men wielding power tools.
93. As I mentioned a little further up the list, I avoid the phone. I really don’t like long phone conversations and sometimes I will fall asleep and wake up and start talking again like nothing happened.
94. Cheesy and predictable as it is, I am a sap for being sent flowers.
95. It’s weird, because I always have to be wearing a watch, but I very rarely know what time it is.
96. Once I tried to run away from home because I was in so much trouble. My mom suggested I run away to the back yard instead, so that’s what I did. So adventurous!
97. I’m not close with my dad, and at this point I don’t think I ever will be. Though for the most part I’ve made my peace with it, occasionally this still hurts.
98. I really really don’t get math.
99. My favorite place in the world is Piazza San Marco, Venice, 2 a.m.
100. My twenties have been years filled with crap and darkness: fear, depression, addiction, abuse, death. Even though I am an unrelenting cynic, it’s really like that Beatles song says. It’s getting better all the time.

I bet you didn’t read all of that.