i’ve found my mission in life

The other night I was having a very important discussion. It was about cartoons. During the course of this discussion, I came to the conclusion that people don’t say “drat” enough, and I have taken it upon myself to restore this word to its former glory. Let’s just say that it’s my calling. I mean, it’s a fair calling, as far as callings go. As such, I feel it is important to tell you about the word “drat” and to give you some examples of how you might put the word to use, so that you will feel comfortable working it into your daily conversations.

History:

I did some research, because that’s what I do. I research things. Things of great importance. Like me, you may believe that “drat” is mild curse, along the lines of “Oh, darn!” or “Aw, shucks!” but in researching the word’s etymology, I discovered the following:

drat: 1815, disguised form of exclamation God rot (something or someone).

So it happens that if you say “drat!” you’re really saying “God rot you!” which gives the word a whole new sheen of awesomeness, wouldn’t you say?

Well, you ought to, if you know what’s good for you.

This is a very clever word, evidence in four letters that speakers of English have become somewhat lacking in subtlety with their swearing over the past two hundred years. I mean now, if you wanted to say “God rot you!” you’d probably just say “God rot you!” Which is fine, I suppose, but it lacks something. How could it possibly be lacking, you may wonder, considering the fact that it has several more letters than its abbreviated counterpart, but I would argue that it lacks style. It lacks panache. It lacks the complete satisfaction of uttering a four-letter word, which indeed is one of the greatest pleasures life has to offer.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Uttering four-letter words is one of the greatest pleasures life has to offer? Whatever, you potty-mouthed wench.” And I would reply, “Did you really just call me a wench? I didn’t know we were on such familiar terms.” But anyway, yes, I do believe that cursing is a pleasure. Think about it logically for a moment if you will, and you will, because you enjoy logic as I do. I’m not really talking about it when it’s every other word, but more like when you’re having a bad day, and it’s one frustration after another, all day long, and it builds and builds and builds until finally you let loose with a string of curses you didn’t even know you were capable of putting together, and suddenly, you feel better. Build up and release. It’s a very elementary principle, really. I’m sure you can think of your own examples.

The point of all of this being that “drat” is a clever word, and don’t we all love to be clever? You can say “God rot you!” and people will think you’re kind of sweet, using such a seemingly antiquated word with no bite. It’s like a code. Brilliant.

Application:

So, now that I have explained to you the true meaning and some of the merits of using the word “drat” it is time to think about ways to apply this word to situations in our daily lives. I’ve thought up several handy examples. These are just to get you started. To get the ball rolling. I have every faith that once you’ve read these examples and thought about the ways that you can put this word into action in your own life, you will be ready to drat up a storm. As it were.

Example 1:
Situation: You’re building shelves. You hit your thumb with a hammer.
Use: Drat!

Example 2:
Situation: You’re on your way to a very important [meeting, job interview, presentation, etc.] and you discover you’re having a wardrobe malfunction, like a button comes off your shirt, or the zipper in your pants has decided it suddenly doesn’t want to work anymore, or the heel breaks off your shoe, or you get a run in your stockings. Whatever.
Use: Drat!

Example 3:
Situation: You check your phone and you have two text messages. Only two? What’s up with that? I don’t know either, but anyway, you have two messages. One is from your best friend and the other is from this boy on whom you have a crush. Your friend asks you if you would like to go out for drinks after work. The boy asks you the exact same thing. You think you’re replying to your friend when you say “Can’t. Boy finally asked me out. So nervous! Drinking is good for cramps, right?” You hit send, only to realize too late that you actually just sent that message to the boy. You look in horror at the phone in your hand.
Use: Drat!

Example 4:
Situation: You’re R. Kelly, and you’re trapped in the closet.
Use: He walks in the bathroom
And looks behind the door
She says, “Baby, come back to bed”
He says, “Bitch say no more”
He pulls back the shower curtain
While she’s biting her nails
Then he walks back to the room
Right now, I’m sweating like hell
Checks under the bed
Then under the dresser
He looks at the closet
I pull out my Beretta
He walks up to the closet
He goes up to the closet
Now he’s at the closet
Damn he’s opening the closet…

Drat!

Example 5:
Situation: You’re traveling alone through the American southwest and you stop for the night in a shabby motel. Your room has an odd stench. You search for the source of the stench and find a dead hooker stuffed in the box springs under the mattress. Along with the dead hooker is a suitcase full of money. You take the suitcase and run. You are being pursued by the hitman of some angry gangsters to whom the money belongs. The hitman nearly kills you several times before you wise up, become a master of life on the lam, learning how to change your appearance, your accent, your walk, with each stop you make on the road. You run for weeks, months, years, exhausted, it no longer is about the money you stole, it’s about winning the complex game of cat-and-mouse between you and the hitman, who wants nothing more than to shoot you, perhaps in Reno, just to watch you die. One night you check into yet another shabby motel, your life has become a string of nights in shabby motels it seems, and as you lock the deadbolt you hear a sound behind you. It’s the hitman! You struggle, and you come out victorious. You spend the night carefully disposing of the body, and then you realize you are free. You take the money and go to Mexico where you live a comfortable life, though you’re lonely, oh so very lonely, and nothing can erase the horror that comes for you at night, because whenever you close your eyes, you are haunted by the dead face of the hitman, and the horrible things you did to make sure the body was never identified. And finally, one night, you wander out to the desert alone, you and a bottle of mescal, and you trip and break your leg. You know there’s no way you’ll ever make it back to civilization, and you further know that a horrible death awaits you in the coming hours. Instead of being afraid, you shrug. And drink. And remember back to that moment when you discovered the dead hooker and the money and you think if only you’d gone another direction, if only you’d left the money where you’d found it, you could have a decent life somewhere, maybe have a family, maybe have cookouts on Sunday afternoons while your children laugh and play frisbee with the family dog. As the morning light approaches and you think of your body, which will eventually be at the mercy of vultures and wolves, you decide it’s time to let go. You sigh, and utter a final word.
Use: Drat.

Conclusion:

As you can see, “drat” is very versatile and can be applied to any number of life’s wacky situations. I’m sure you’ll have no problems using it in your daily conversations, and it is my dream that you do. And that someday years from now, I will be somewhere, perhaps a Denny’s restaurant, still completely unable to order “Moons Over My Hammy” because I can never bring myself to utter the words “Moons Over My Hammy.” And as I peruse the menu, perhaps a waitress will drop a tray full of dishes, and I will hear her mutter “Drat!” and I will know that my mission has been accomplished.

It’s up to you.