This morning I was signing into the ol’ Gmail account, because I do that sometimes. Not daily, but maybe three times a week. And I noticed a link at the bottom of the sign in page that was about helping me not send embarrassing emails: Stop sending mail you later regret. Oh yeah, boys and girls, Gmail has invented Mail Goggles! How does it work? Well! Imagine this scenario:
Phase 1. Elapsed Time: 10 minutes.
It’s late at night on Saturday. You come home after having a few drinks and you should probably just go straight to bed but you’re not tired! So what to do? Well, check your email, obviously. And you’ve been kinda sorta flirting with this guy but it’s a little weird, because maybe you’re just friends, but maybe, just maybe, he really likes you. But you don’t know and you haven’t been able to bring yourself to ask, because how do you ask that question anyway? “Is this just friendly, or do you actually want to get into my pants?” seems a little too direct, and that makes you nervous just like you’re that shy teenager sitting behind that cute boy in math class all over again. And then furthermore, do you really like him, or would you rather just keep it at a friends level? You’re not sure, so you pour yourself a glass of water — gotta avoid the hangover — and consider the situation. And then you do something a little crazy, and you know it’s crazy, but you justify it by telling yourself that certainly everybody does this at one time or another and the only reason why it seems crazy is because nobody ever admits to doing it: you search your email and pull up every message he’s ever written to you and start analyzing them for hidden clues to see if you can decipher whether or not he actually like likes you. Somewhere around the third email you realize that you are more drunk than you thought you were and you further realize that all your friends are married and here you are, drunk and alone on a Saturday night, reading emails from a guy who probably doesn’t even like you that way — he’s really cute, and it’s been casual, you don’t even know, maybe he already has a girlfriend — and you look at yourself in the mirror and notice that your eye makeup is smudged and you can’t help but wonder how your life has gone so horribly, horribly wrong.
Phase 2. Elapsed Time: 5 minutes.
“You know what it is?” you ask your eye-makeup-smudged reflection. Your reflection waits patiently for you to expound. You say, “It’s because you are not taking charge of your own destiny. And that is unacceptable! You are young, and attractive. And… SMART! You are very smart. So you know what I’m gonna do? I AM GOING TO WRITE HIM AN EMAIL. I’m going to find out what the hell is going on here because it would be better to know than to keep not knowing that he really thinks I am awesome and if he doesn’t think I am awesome then you know whatever I am so over it. Good! I have a plan! I have to pee! Okay!”
Phase 3. Elapsed Time: 30 minutes.
After returning from the bathroom, you get another glass of water and put your hair back in a ponytail and sit down at the computer. You start to write:
Subject: so, hey…
Message:
dude, I jsut got back forn\\m the Bar and it was Aw esmoe!2!
You sit back and think about what you’re going to write next. You’re suddenly kind of nervous! And also you have to pee again. Damn vodka! After returning from the bathroom again, you get another glass of water and start writing once more.
You totoally should have been there becuase it was so so fuun and there was a band and the bnad was reakly good. I think you wolud have liked them becasue remeber that time we were tlaking abuot music>? it was lkie taht.
You don’t actually have to pee again but you get up to go to the bathroom anyway because now you’re at the moment of truth and you want to consider your words carefully. You get halfway to the bathroom before stopping and saying “No! I have to do this right now!” and marching yourself back to the computer where you once again begin to type.
Listen, i jsut wantd to say taht I think we shuold go out. You are so cut. I am drnuk. But still. Ok.
XO.
And before you lose your nerve, you hit Send.
Phase 4. Morning.
You wake up with a start. You know something horrible happened but you can’t quite remember what. You think back to the night before: you went out with your friends, you drank too much, you can’t remember any wardrobe malfunctions or attacks of clumsiness or any other horrible gaffes. And then you look over at your computer, which is still on and the truth begins to settle on you uncomfortably like a very heavy wool sweater in July. You throw back the covers and run awkwardly across the room, careful not to trip over your shoes. You look at your mail. You have no new messages, save a little bit of penis-enlargement spam. You cautiously take a relieved breath and then click over to your sent messages. And there it is. “Oh shit,” you whisper at your monitor. “Oh shit shit shit shit shit.” You take a deep breath and click. And read. Are you anxious? Nauseated? Both? You don’t know, so you say, “Oh shit,” one more time for good measure and consider the possible outcomes:
1. He will think it’s funny and charming and you will fall in love forever and ever.
2. You have ruined everything and you will die alone.
And as you walk to the bathroom to wash your face and start the day — you really need breakfast — you think “I am such a raging idiot. Why does anybody allow me to use communication devices for anything ever?”
Okay, so I hope this scenario is clear to you. Because now we must think about how it would be different if our purely hypothetical girl in this scenario had Gmail Mail Goggles enabled:
Phase 3a. Writes The Email.
Before you lose your nerve, you hit Send.
And then! To the rescue! Gmail! It says: “It’s that time of day. Gmail aims to help you in many ways. Are you sure you want to send this? Answer some simple math problems to verify.”
You look at the math problems. What? You can’t even do math when you’re SOBER. “Fuck this,” you say, and go to bed.
Crisis averted. Well played, Gmail.
22 responses so far ↓
You can call me, 'Sir' // October 8, 2008 at 10:33 am |
“Is this just friendly, or do you actually want to get into my pants?”
Life would be so much easier for guys the world over if women would just start asking this more often. No more games, no more guessing.
Although for guys under 73 years of age, the answer might always be the same.
all the wine // October 8, 2008 at 10:38 am |
Can google please invent this for my text messages???
jamelah // October 8, 2008 at 10:42 am |
Sir — Is 73 the magic age at which guys no longer want to get into girls’ pants but would rather talk to them about soup and the weather channel?
allthewine — Oh, I wish. I sometimes have to give people my phone before I go out. Otherwise I have a tendency of sneaking off to the bathroom and sending embarrassing messages.
andy c // October 8, 2008 at 10:52 am |
Phase 4 sounds vaguely familiar. Can’t say I recall phases 1-3.
mindy // October 8, 2008 at 11:01 am |
Wow, this is genius. Do they have 22 year old women working on this project at GMAIL? I can’t tell how how much this would’ve helped me back in the day.
HOWEVER, my current boyfriend was the recipient of a late night email–that’s how we got together. So I guess sometimes sending those weird emails is good?
lesley // October 8, 2008 at 11:06 am |
Wow…do you think Google will ever invent an application that makes people do math problems before they can climb up on tables to dance because ohmygodiloveJourney and then lose their balance when they bend down to pick up their drinks and come crashing to the floor, but not before showing some crack real estate to their entire group of friends?
I’m just, you know, asking for a friend.
Peter // October 8, 2008 at 11:19 am |
That really is genius. However, I can’t get past the part where you say you only check gmail three times a week.
!!!
Preeti // October 8, 2008 at 11:40 am |
Well there was this one time when I sent a drunk email at around 5:30pm… on a Friday. So yeah, I guess Googgles (heh!) wouldn’t have protected me from that, unless I set really weird times up for it.
But you are teh genius! Loved this entry!
Fraulein N // October 8, 2008 at 1:29 pm |
I was wondering how this would even work, but … they ask you math problems! That is GENIUS!
jamelah // October 8, 2008 at 2:00 pm |
Andy — It’s always easier to remember the resulting horror than the actions that led to it. Probably at least in part because the resulting horror happens while sober and the actions leading to it… not so much.
mindy — Sometimes I suppose this works. It has never ever worked for me. Worst memory: I sent a drunk email and the guy never responded. Two weeks after the fact, I was on the phone with him (he called me, mind you) and I got up the nerve to ask him if he ever got it. There was a slight pause. “Oh, I read it,” he said. And then there was a long, awkward silence.
lesley — I hope not. You’re HILARIOUS. I mean, your friend is hilarious. I mean, yes, I’m sure Google is working on it. Don’t stop believin’, as they say.
Peter — It’s just that I have too many email accounts.
Preeti — Wow… 5:30. That’s totally impressive.
Fraulein N — I know, right? What kind of people are capable of doing math when they’re drunk?
J. // October 8, 2008 at 2:17 pm |
For the record, I knew a girl in college who would show up for calculus tests completely wasted. Every damn time she would beat the curve…
Bill Ectric // October 8, 2008 at 2:50 pm |
This was fun to read because I have actually done something like that. Now, I don’t feel so alone.
SA // October 8, 2008 at 3:40 pm |
Lesson 1: Don’t get drunk.
Lesson 2: If lesson 1 isn’t followed make sure to use gmail.
SA // October 8, 2008 at 3:43 pm |
Lesson 1: Don’t get drunk.
Lesson 2: In case you do get drunk, make sure you have gmail.
SA // October 8, 2008 at 3:43 pm |
Sorry for the double post. Stupid computer.
wifey // October 8, 2008 at 4:24 pm |
You are funny, Wife.
Remember Albion’s mail system? How you could retract emails before they were read? (You could do it after they were read, too, but that is just weird). I used that magic retraction tool many, many times in college. Albion was the best college in the world, if for that reason alone.
Abigail M. Schilling // October 9, 2008 at 12:45 am |
This is awesome. Are those emails direct quotes or did you script drunk typing while sober? Because that would be even more impressive.
wifey, my college had that too. My favorite was when I would have my inbox open, see a message appear, and then see it disappear before I could open it.
ALSO, marking as read. I did that to a lot of emails I read late at night, which means when I received an email similar to the one above but way less charming and from a total douchebag I would copy and paste it just in case it got unsent. Which it often did. Oh, college.
fabulitas // October 9, 2008 at 1:33 pm |
My friend read this post and wrote me, that it would be perfect if there was not only such e-mail system but also a tool to prevent us from writing drunk text messages. So true!
Bill Ectric // October 9, 2008 at 2:56 pm |
Just so you all know, sobriety doesn’t necessarily prevent regrettable posts. Take it from me, I haven’t been drunk in quite a while but I’m still a dumb-ass.
fathima // October 11, 2008 at 8:28 pm |
“the truth begins to settle on you uncomfortably like a very heavy wool sweater in July” — genius.
re Albion’s email retraction: omg. are you kidding me? are YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? my god, there is already a system invented for that? and I DID NOT KNOW?
collapse.
Leslie // November 14, 2008 at 5:54 pm |
I was drunk a while ago and I typed up a stupid email (not quite as bad as this, but sorta relating my personal experiences) and then thought “no, i don’t think i want to send this” and went to bed.
JAMES DINSDALE // May 23, 2009 at 8:15 pm |
TO YOU GUYS@ GMAIL DO NOT FLASH ANY OF THOSE STUPID MATH PROBLEMS IN FRONT OF MY EMAIL PAGES I DO NOT HAVE TO DO ANY OF YOUR STUPID IDIOTIOC MATH PROBLEMS JUST TO SEND EMAILS SO KNOCK IT THE HE DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS OFF AND KNOCK IT THE F**K OFF ALSO YOU IDIOTS! SIGNED ANONYOMUS.