gah! interview!

Update

I’m putting the update on the top of the post because I can. SO THERE.

Usually part of my interview preparation process involves running around the house in my underwear with a towel on my head and yelling “I HAVE TO BE THERE IN THIRTY MINUTES I CAN’T DO THIS WHY IS MY HAIR WET OH MY GOD” but that didn’t happen this time. I managed to keep it together and not flip out and there were no getting-ready disasters and I even somehow had time to give myself a manicure. There was this one bit with putting on pantyhose (who invented pantyhose? Satan?) because I think I bought them a size too small (those size charts on the backs of the packages are SO CONFUSING) and getting them on was an adventure I do not want to relive, ever. But I managed to walk out of the house looking put together and not at all like a frazzled mess, if I do say so myself.

I realized when I got there that maybe I should’ve eaten something which I mentioned to my friend who happens to work there and she asked me if I wanted a protein bar and I said “sure” and then discovered after taking a bite that I didn’t have any spit in my mouth. So she gave me some water (I’m so high maintenance!) and then I sat there and waited for awhile. It seems of course natural that the moment one of the women who interviewed me came out to ask me to come back for the interrogation process, I would notice that all the caffeine I had consumed up until that point in the day would come back to haunt me, and in short, as soon as I stood up, I realized I had to pee. But I didn’t want to say “Yes, very good, but I HAVE TO PEE” because that’s not really the first impression I wanted to make so I figured it would be fine. And it was fine, really, except there was this constant “gottapeegottapeegottapee” soundtrack playing in the back of my mind while I was trying to concentrate on not ever saying anything crazy or saying “Gotta pee” out loud. Very difficult.

Overall, even though it took place in a tiny room and the questioning was shared by three people who took turns, the interview seemed to go well. After the first few awkward “Hi, this is a job interview” moments, it turned into a pretty relaxed affair. I managed to turn on the charm and not say anything insane and I mostly kept my hands folded on the table so as not to wave them around crazily while explaining my answers to their questions, which is something I have a habit of doing: I don’t just talk with my hands, I WAVE THEM AROUND CRAZILY. But I managed not to do that. Mostly. There was this one time when I couldn’t help it. I made them laugh some and when I answered one of the questions one of the interviewers said “I like that. That’s poetic. I have to write that down.” I don’t really remember what I said, but apparently it was poetic.

Anyway, it’s done. They have more interviews and they’ll make their decision next week. So whatever happens is okay and if this doesn’t work out instead of considering the black-market sale of one of my kidneys I could look into making a career of saying poetic and quoteable things. That could be a job, right?

End Update, Commence Stuff That Was Already Here

Before I get to the point let me tell you that I heard back from Google yesterday and my posts that were stolen have been removed from Thiefblog. So hurrah!

Anyway, today I have a job interview. It is at 1 p.m. It’s kind of a big deal because if this doesn’t work out I may have to sell a kidney. I mean, probably not, but I like to consider all of my options.

I woke up this morning earlier than I wanted to because my dog jumped on me and though I may be able to sleep through the apocalypse (when the apocalypse happens, I’ll have to check to be sure) I cannot sleep through being jumped on by 60 pounds of dog. And then after I opened my eyes I thought “Oh, I have a job interview today,” and then I was wide awake and tense. So now I’m not helping things by sitting here drinking a caffeinated beverage, and trying to think philosophically about jitters. And if I’m jittery now, what will I be like once I’ve finished the caffeinated beverage and start on another one? For certainly one caffeinated beverage will not be enough to keep me awake today. Maybe by the time the interview happens I’ll be crazed and hyper. That should make a great impression.

I know getting nervous before an interview is universal. But for my part, I’m sort of a connoisseur of anxiety and I know these particular nerves very well. They’re the same ones I used to get when I would be in plays. The entire day of a performance (and it didn’t matter if the performance was to be opening night, closing night, or some night in between), I would be a bundle of nervous energy and the nervousness would get more and more intense until finally I’d be waiting in the wings for my cue, simultaneously buzzing with anxiety and deadly calm, whispering my pre-performance mantra: focus, focus, focus, focus, focus. Ten minutes onstage and I would be fine, the anxiety transformed into that incredible, incomparable high that is the live performer’s reward, and yet, even though I always knew it would go that way, there was nothing that could calm the feeling beforehand, the feeling that at any second my heart would leap out of my chest and do laps around the building.

Job interviews are much the same. I’ve been through a lot of them by this point and while I haven’t gotten every job I’ve interviewed for (and in most of those cases I ended up being grateful for the turn of events that led me somewhere else), but I’ve learned a few things about the process and one thing I know for certain is that a job interview is a performance. They (you know, they) say to be yourself at an interview, but that’s not really the best advice, because you really need to be the smarter, quicker, more poised version of yourself, the version that has better hair and more confidence. It’s all very tiring.

I think I’ll go pluck my eyebrows. I’ll update you when it’s over. Tell me to break a leg.