This morning, while I was waiting for my coffee to brew, I checked my email and noticed something from Caryn. Caryn sends me links and news stories to keep me informed about all sorts of things, and thanks to her, I know so much stuff I wouldn’t have a clue about otherwise. Caryn is the greatest. Seriously.
Anyway, this morning, before I’d even had any coffee, mind you, I clicked on the link she sent me and wound up at bettybeauty.com, reading a poem about holiday pube dye. If you’ve been around my blog for a few years then you may know that I once wrote about, uh, betty dye. It actually ended up being one of my all-time most searched-for posts, probably because the title was “whoa-oh black betty bam-ba-lam…uh” and people were probably looking for that Ram Jam song. But since my blog has died and risen again (much like Jesus), I can’t link you to my old jokes about being a natural fluorescent. So it’s like a brand new subject all over again. Yes. Let’s talk about pube dye.
Okay, boys and girls, according to the blog on the Betty Beauty website, the Brazilian is so out of style. Alas! What can women who want to have fashionable cooters do? Dye them, of course! Betty Beauty offers a range of colors. Far more than they did when I wrote about them the last time. Certainly there are the usual suspects, for those who just want to be sure that the carpet matches the drapes: Brown Betty, Blonde Betty, Black Betty (bam ba lam!), Auburn Betty. For those who are a little bit more adventurous, there’s Fun Betty which is fluorescent pink, and its page says “Follow the easy directions for safe color. Natural looking. No mess. No drip. Use it every time you candy! FUN is where you find it!” and I keep not being able to figure out the natural-looking part. Also, “candy” is a verb? What does that mean? Those colors used to comprise the entire line of, uh, betty dye. But they’ve added more!
Malibu Betty — it’s blue! It comes with a dolphin-shaped stencil! Maybe you’re going on vacation and want to be cheerfully blue down below! Or perhaps you’re getting married and you know that all brides need something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. Well. Heh heh. I got your something blue right here, cowboy.
Bewitching Betty — it’s sunburst orange! Its product page says, “Try a SUN-BURST betty (orange) color along with our fun shaped Halloween stencils! A cat or bat shape, or maybe a ‘lil pumpkin patch! Each SUN-BURST betty kit comes with 3 FREE stencils.” Oh yes. It’s the great pumpkin!
Holiday Betty — it comes with a poem, that I believe I must share with you:
Tis the season to give a betty kit!
The holiday season makes everyone happy, you must admit!
HOLIDAY betty comes
in colors of two!
Buy LOVE betty (red) for a friend
and a LUCKY betty (green) for you!
These yuletide colors come with
holiday charmcils
(stencil shapes) – FREE!
Forget misletoe….
Shape your betty with a star,
an angel or a christmas tree!
A perfect stocking stuffer,
secret santa or
office party present!
Give the gift of betty and
you won’t have overspent!
Yes indeed. Pube dye: the perfect office party present. If I had a job, I’d know what I was buying for everyone! Picture it:
Dear Boss,
Is your betty ready?
Ho ho ho,
Jamelah
PERFECT!
Now that we’ve learned all about the exciting range of betty colors, let’s move on, shall we?
We shall.
Issue #1
Why is it called betty dye? I have never once in my entire life referred to my lady parts as my betty. That’s because I call my lady parts my veronica. Ha! I’m lying! But seriously, kids. Why Betty? Why not some other name? Like Christine (preen your christine!) or Jill (frill your jill!) or Kim (trim your kim!)? I’m just wondering. (My apologies to anyone named Christine, Jill or Kim.)
Issue #2
I’ve dyed my hair (on my head… let’s not get distracted) many many times, though I haven’t for years because I once let the dye grow out and decided that I actually liked my natural color best of all, but I’m all too familiar with the process. And I’ve found that the website is not all that forthcoming with information about how exactly one goes about dyeing her, uh, betty. In fact, when I click on the “How to Use Products” link, it says “Our Award Winning
betty™ products are specially formulated color dyes for the hair down there. In less than one year, over 100,000 happy customers are using betty to naturally match their hair above, cover gray or just for fun! Whether you’re a blonde (be a true blonde now!), radiant auburn, rich brunette, raven black or want to try hot pink for fun, our easy to use no-drip formula gives you the perfect finishing touch.” That’s all very well and good, but what I want to know is how long it takes for the dye to do its thing. How long must one stand uncomfortable and bow-legged until her, uh, betty is ready? Because (and this is just a hunch) I bet you can’t sit down while you’re waiting. I mean, yes you could, but would that even be a good idea? Imagine:
“What happened to your couch?”
“Oh, I forgot and sat down while I was dyeing my, uh, nevermind. Um, it was, uh… a spill? I spilled something on it? I, um… can we talk about something else?”
Exactly.
Issue #3
While I am fully capable of believing that there are women in the world who would enjoy waxing their pubic hair into the shape of a Christmas tree and then dyeing the whole business green, whether or not someone else was going to see it, just because, you know, some women are crafty, I can’t help but wonder about the guys who are treated to such spectacles. And maybe it would be different if it was a long-term relationship, but what if it was the first time with someone? Would seeing green pubes in the shape of a Christmas tree be hot? Or weird? Or would it be like this:
Him: What’s that green blob on your–
Her: My betty.
Him: On your, um, betty?
Her: It’s a Christmas tree, silly!
Him: A Christmas tree. Right.
Her: Yeah! A Christmas tree! I waxed it first and then I had to pluck it a little bit to get the angles perfect but I think it looks very accurate, don’t you?
Him: Uh.
Her: I spent all day getting betty ready just for you!
Him: Oh. That’s… you shouldn’t have.
Her: It’s festive!
Him: That’s one word for it.
Issue #4
I’m not sure if this is an issue, per se, but I figured I would share part of the discussion Caryn and I had about this, you know, to bring the post full circle.
Jamelah: curl your shirl would maybe be for the line of home perms
Caryn: hahahah
Jamelah: like maybe a spiral perm. remember those?
Caryn: oh man
Caryn: tweeze your louise
Jamelah: hahahah
Caryn: ouch
Jamelah: INTO THE SHAPE OF A SANTA!
Caryn: eeek
Jamelah: the best part i think
Jamelah: other than the fact that it’s pube dye, that is
Jamelah: is that there are stencils for waxing
Jamelah: the bewitching betty (for halloween) comes with a bat or a pumpkin
Caryn: bat
Caryn: like the bat signal
Jamelah: because yeah, i’d want an orange bat on my lady parts
Caryn: like you don’t already
Jamelah: well
Caryn: i don’t even see how you’d be able to tell what it was
Jamelah: i don’t really know
Caryn: i think for real precision work you need lasers
Jamelah: or the pumpkin
Jamelah: wouldn’t it just look like a circle?
Caryn: well you’d think
Caryn: although i guess you could add detail with some sharpies
Jamelah: maybe if you got green for contrast
Jamelah: like for the stem
Caryn: and really do you want green down there?
Jamelah: well i don’t
Caryn: hahahah
Jamelah: although that’s called lucky betty
Jamelah: i bet for st. patrick’s day you could get a leprechaun stencil
Caryn: that is so frightening
Jamelah: or a pot of gold!
Caryn: can you imagine if you were a dude?
Jamelah: jackpot!
Jamelah: hahahah
Caryn: lucky charms
Jamelah: magically delicious. ahem.
Caryn: oh man
Jamelah: i’m crying a little bit
Jamelah: and no i can’t imagine if i were a dude
Caryn: hahahah
Jamelah: but i bet if i were a dude and i saw some fancy betty dye job complete with stencil action
Jamelah: i’d be all wtf?
Caryn: i think i’d be skeered
Jamelah: maybe i will have to ask
Jamelah: dear dudes,
would this frighten you and make you run away? discuss.
love, jamelah
Very important question, that.
Good times, good times. I’m glad this important content is now once again in the Jamelah.net collection.
Posted by Caryn | December 3, 2008, 12:02 pmI think you already summed up perfectly what I’d be likely to say: “Him: Oh. That’s… you shouldn’t have.”
As for what I’d be thinking… Let’s just say that the entire train of thought involved in getting to the point where I’d make such a discovery would be seriously derailed.
Posted by andy c | December 3, 2008, 12:48 pmVery curious what the men have to say about this because I think it would be just disturbing.
Posted by Emily | December 3, 2008, 12:58 pmOh man… this is too hysterical!
I remember when I first saw the line of Betty dyes and thought it was clever and unnecessary… Like those wigs for cats or newborns.
But I got stuck on the holiday version idea… pluck it into the shape of a Christmas tree and dye the whole (I almost said ‘hole’) thing green? Mine is already kinda Xmas tree shaped if you’re looking at it from my angle. How could you reverse it? I can’t picture getting the base wide. Maybe I’m just not furry enough to do creative shapes.
And uncontrollable laughter ain’t what I wanna hear when I drop trou.
Posted by Jolene | December 3, 2008, 12:59 pm“WTF?!?” would definitely be amongst the first things to cross my mind.
Posted by patrick | December 3, 2008, 1:10 pmOh. My.
*slow laughter, beginning to build*
Posted by Preeti | December 3, 2008, 1:12 pmWhere’s my Chanukah Betty?
I’m offended.
Posted by Brittney | December 3, 2008, 1:25 pm“Wanna take my dreidel Betty for a spin?”
Posted by Brittney | December 3, 2008, 1:25 pmWait… people have pubic hair again?
Posted by Peter | December 3, 2008, 1:31 pmOh my. I wrote about this once too when a friend alerted me to betty dye. Your post is much more informative and thorough though. Good work!
http://mindydoesmpls.blogspot.com/2008/06/is-your-betty-ready.html
Posted by mindy | December 3, 2008, 1:51 pmI’m actually insulted when there’s a lack of originality down yonder. I’d like to see something along the lines of a bear on a unicycle, American Gothic, etc. It just shows that effort went into the presentation.
Posted by You can call me, 'Sir' | December 3, 2008, 2:45 pmoh my god i should not be allowed to read this at work!!
So, so excellent. Trim your Kim indeed.
Posted by allthewine | December 3, 2008, 2:50 pmCaryn — Thank you for bringing holiday betty dye to my attention.
andy — But would it frighten you and make you run away?
Emily — If enough respond maybe I will make a graph.
Jolene — I’m curious how big the stencils are. Not curious enough to buy a box of the dye, mind you, but I’m guessing they’d have to be pretty small, because otherwise… HOW? I think I’m thinking about this too much.
patrick — Hmmm… so I was right. Maybe I do understand men after all.
Preeti — Comedy goldmine, that betty dye.
Brittney — I was actually going to ask in my post how come there were no menorah or dreidel offerings, but I forgot. And then you said “Wanna take my dreidel Betty for a spin?” and I choked on my water.
Peter — Yes. And it’s green.
mindy — Thank goodness for Lengli.
Sir — I had a really inappropriate response in mind but then I couldn’t think of what the male equivalent of betty would be… archie? Jughead?
allthewine — No, no… you should read it at work.
Posted by jamelah | December 3, 2008, 4:11 pmI look like an idiot laughing so hard at this. So thanks!
And I see nothing wrong with giving this as a secret Santa gift. Who wouldn’t want a sunburst orange betty?
Posted by SA | December 3, 2008, 4:36 pmFrom the betty beauty product info page:
betty customers love to use our products to touch-up roots, color eyebrows and men use it for facial and chest hair.
I wonder if they could make larger stencils for landscaping the chest-fro… maybe a cityscape or some mountains?
Posted by ahhhh | December 3, 2008, 4:40 pmOh my damn. Heeee, “magically delicious.” And American Gothic! And Jughead! This post is the gift that just keeps on giving!
Here’s my issue (Well, one of about 80, actually, but you seem to have hit the high points): Fun Betty is both fluorescent pink AND “Natural looking”? When the friggety fuck is fluorescent pink pubic hair “natural looking?” When you’re radioactive?
Posted by Fraulein N | December 3, 2008, 9:24 pmi agree with preeti, any mood that was set before the pants came down would be shattered. laughter would know no bounds…
“the carpet may match the drapes, but not the upholstery.” read that somewhere, and this reminded me of it.
Posted by Davidov Kosovo | December 4, 2008, 12:28 amI’m thinking Betty like in Clueless…how her mom was a “betty”? Or isn’t Brown Betty the name of some dessert? Like this is your dessert, boys, enjoy!
Posted by Cheryl | December 4, 2008, 8:29 amWait! Chest hair, too?? You mean… men, with green, hairy christmas trees all over their chest? (Assuming they’re using the provided stencils, I assume it would have to be multiple, smaller trees… although if creative enough they could design their own one larger tree)
Next we’ll be doing stuff to our nether-regions for a political statement. Oh wait… http://www.bushbgone120.com
Looks like Peter wasn’t totally wrong, he just joined the conversation a little early.
Posted by Emily | December 4, 2008, 8:45 amAlso, I vote yes to graphs.
Posted by Emily | December 4, 2008, 8:46 amHaving a green Christmas tree down there would be… would be… well, I have no idea, but if I decided to have one down there it would surely be an effect of temporary lunacy. These names are such a lure.
And if I saw such a little “surprise” on man… do you think one could die of laughing?
Posted by fabulitas | December 4, 2008, 12:11 pmJust gave me an idea of what to buy for our Gift Exchange Party at work. I’m glad you don’t have to put your name on it. Where do you get it? lol….this is just so funny…………and to think if your boss gets it. funny.
Posted by Yazzie | December 4, 2008, 1:51 pmThat is just funny. Who would’ve thought of that. Would be a great gift at a company xmas party. For your boss to open it. haha.
Posted by Yazzie | December 5, 2008, 1:43 amIssue Three made me pee… from laughing, but just a little. Honestly, I just wanted to make that rhyme.
Thank you for this very hilarious and quite informative recap on the Betty Line. All the questions I’ve had since I first heard about it but was too afraid to ask. The stencils are a really nice touch. I’m wondering if this brings new meaning to “decorating the tree”?
Posted by Paula | December 6, 2008, 2:55 amI for one love betty beauty! Its an excellent idea! way less painful than a brazilian thats for sure. Also heard about betty on the show the Doctors, they spoke about how safe it is and how its great for covering grays “down there”…unfortunetly it happens to the best of us. Pubic hair dye rocks!!
Posted by Lauren | January 8, 2009, 3:45 pmBetty has some great products that most people are afraid to sell or talk about. Everyone thinks about what they should do with their hair down there but it is not a widely discussed topic. Why not though? I think its great to have products to style your bikini hairs.
Posted by Bikini Wax | August 11, 2009, 2:37 pm