It’s been awhile since my last foray into Cosmo-learning, but here I am, educated by a magazine, and ready to share my findings. Without further introductory blabbity blah, here we go:
1. The first thing I noticed in this issue was the cover headline, “AN ORGASM ALMOST KILLED HER” with the subhead, “WE ARE NOT KIDDING,” and I thought, “Orgasm-induced near-death experience? I should read that.” So I did, and learned that Cosmo really wasn’t kidding, and due to my snarky relationship with this magazine, I will admit that I was somewhat disappointed. And in case you’re wondering how an orgasm can potentially kill, I’ll tell you: see, this lady was on The Pill, and it apparently caused a blood clot in her leg, which, if you’ve ever sat through a Pill commercial on TV, you know is a potential side-effect. Anyway, apparently, the physical response of the orgasm — increased blood pressure, heart rate, etc. — somehow dislodged the clot from her leg and it traveled to her heart. And because she had another previously-undiagnosed condition called a patent foramen ovale (PFO) which, for us non-doctor types, is a small hole in the heart, the clot traveled to her brain where it caused a stroke. Now that’s one hell of an orgasm. So anyway, the lady is fine now, and the article points out that orgasm-induced stroke is not a common problem, as the PFO condition seems to be a prerequisite, but I read this particular paragraph: “In 2006, he treated a 30-year-old woman with a PFO who was on the Pill and had a stroke during orgasm. ‘She experienced the stroke as she climaxed. We believe the groan she released, in combination with the increase in heart rate and blood flow associated with orgasm, is what caused her stroke.” So I have some advice for you: if you have this condition and you’re on the Pill, make sure to have really quiet sex. Okay then, let’s move on.
2. “Whether you’re aiming for a baby or trying hard not to have one, you can now get text messages from such sites as babycenter.com to notify you when you’re likely to be most fertile. A typical update: ‘Your fertile window opens today and lasts five more days.’” Do you really need a text message for that?
3. The article “The New Attitude That Drives Men Wild” uses A-Rod and Madonna to illustrate, because you know, it’s been proven time and again over the last (give or take) 100 years that nobody’s sexier than Madonna. Mmmhmm. Anyway, the article says that you have to be kind of a bitch, but not in a bad way, in a good way, in a way that shows the world that you have balls, though not literally, of course. Just be… confident! Because nothing’s bitchier than a woman with confidence! We all know that! Also, in order to drive men wild, you have to be independent. They don’t want no clingy bitches. The article also says that men want to hunt you if you make yourself a prize worth seeking. Because men are natural hunters and women are natural prey. But not like scared little rabbits, no, because remember, no man is going to try to hunt you if you’re not a confident, independent bitch! Also, make sure that the hunting is not too difficult for him by not being aloof and being available. As the article says, “Finally, be aware that while guys like a chase, they ultimately want a reward. By maintaining a you-can’t-touch-this vibe for even a bit too long, you just might drive him away.” Remember though that the aforementioned “you-can’t-touch-this vibe” is not aloofness, because the article also says that aloofness is so old school. Totally. So to sum up, the article says that in order to drive men wild, a woman should be confident and independent, ballsy — bitchy! — and appear as a prize worth seeking, it doesn’t say anything about women doing any seeking themselves, because, you know, come on, there are limits to that confidence thing, but anyway, make him come after you, but don’t make him work too hard because then he’ll give up and we can’t have that. And if all else fails, wear leotards and have scary biceps like Madonna. (Maybe I just made up that last bit.)
4. When a guy says, “We can still be friends,” he means “We can still sleep together, but I’m not buying you dinner.”
5. 59% of men don’t want to know how many other men you’ve slept with.
6. Fun Fearless Fashion — How to “Stretch” Your Clothes: “Your checking account may have taken a hit, but that doesn’t mean your wardrobe has to suffer. These insider tips will maximize what’s already in your closet.” Oooh! But then suggestion #1 is this: “Incorporate workout wear. Bike shorts are in this season (we’re serious). Pair your gym staples with heels and a tailored jacket or cardigan.” Yes. My workout clothes. I totally see myself dressing them up with heels and a tailored jacket! Of course! But seriously, is that a trend? Who is trying to make that into a trend? Because I promise you that if I ever saw someone walking around in a pair of bike shorts and stilettos, there would be no end to my mockery. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Ahem.
7. Speaking of bad fashion advice, Cosmo suggests a printed romper. You know, like a jumpsuit, but with shorts instead of pants. (Note: they also suggest a jumpsuit.) In other news, I hate Cosmo.
8. “We came across fascinating news: Researchers have discovered that the smell of cucumber — that’s right, cucumber — makes women aroused.” If I had old archives handy (I have them but I can’t figure out how to read them, and trying has been a headache-inducing comedy of errors that I’d rather not talk about) I would show you that they reported on this sometime in the past, because I distinctly remember writing about it, and having a debate with myself about whether or not I should make a joke about being turned on by salad. But I don’t have old archives handy, so you’re just going to have to take my word for it: THEY CAME ACROSS THIS FASCINATING NEWS A REALLY LONG TIME AGO. Searches on the Cosmo website prove that they don’t want people to find things in old issues and prove how much they repeat themselves. Bastards.
9. Fun Fearless Way to Meet a Guy: “Approach a cutie while shopping. Tell him you are going to a party and want a guy’s opinion on a new outfit. Then show him two options, and make it at least seem like you’ll take his advice. Of course tell him where the bash is and suggest he stop by.” What they don’t mention: calling all your friends two minutes later and saying “So hey, I’m throwing a spur-of-the-moment party because I saw this guy in the mall and told him a lame-ass lie about how I was picking out an outfit to wear to a party and needed his help, so now I have to have a party! Please come over. And bring guacamole.”
10. Because I am so mature, I have to point out a line from my horoscope: “Attached? Have a talk when uptight Uranus creates tension around the 22nd.” Go on, read it out loud.