an open letter to the makers of the fling chocolate bar

Dear Makers of the Fling Chocolate Bar,

Oh hello there. How’s the weather? Good, good, fantastic. And now that we have all the requisite pleasantries out of the way, let’s get down to brass tacks, or business, if you prefer.

I first learned of your product yesterday, when I read this post in my feed reader, which is where I read things. I was so… ah… what’s the word? Let’s go with excited. I was so excited when I read that you had made a candy bar just for me, a woman. I don’t know if you knew this about me already, but you guys? I love candy. I do. And chocolate? It’s like sex, right? Because when it’s good, it’s like oh my god. You know?

So let me just tell you that I am so glad to know about your product, these 85-calorie chocolate fingers of pleasure. And thank you for making the wrappers pink, so that I can tell just by looking at them that they’re for me. Sometimes if I’m looking at candy, it’s confusing to tell which types are right for me, because I don’t want to mess up and accidentally eat boy candy. And another big thank you for making them sparkly by mixing them with Mica, nature’s own glitter. God, I love when things are natural. And sparkly. Thank you for making it possible for me to eat glitter. Thank you so much.

So I’m full of gratitude and all, for how you’ve made a glittery low-cal candy bar that comes in a pink wrapper so I’ll be able to distinguish it from all that not-glittery candy that’s made for boys, but I have to admit that I’m a little confused. Because I saw your ad:

So, um, how do I put this? I guess I’m not clear on what I’m supposed to do with this candy, exactly. I mean, I understand that they’re chocolate fingers and all, but…

Oh! Ha! Nevermind. I understand. I’m supposed to eat the chocolate fingers and when I put them in my mouth I will experience pleasure. Got it. Self-gratification of the chocolate kind. I totally understand now. You guys are so clever.

So, yeah. The next time I’m feeling naughty… but not that naughty^TM, I should pleasure myself by having a Fling! Because for one thing, nothing’s naughtier than pleasure, and for another thing, having a full-blown relationship with some other chocolate fingers — Twix, for instance — is just too much commitment. You sure have made my life easier, Makers of Fling, and I haven’t even tried your product yet because it is currently only available in California, unless I want to buy it online. (And if I buy it online, will it come in plain brown packaging?)

Thanks so much. You’re darling.

XOXO,
Jamelah