an open letter to the people responsible for those teeth-whitening ads

Dear People Responsible For Those Teeth-Whitening Ads:

Yes, I know that I wrote to you yesterday, but I noticed today that you haven’t done anything about my serious all-caps complaint, so let’s talk about this, shall we? Here’s a sample ad that I was greeted with five times this morning (I kept reloading the page hoping for a different ad on the side, to no avail):

For one thing, Killer White Teeth? Really? How does that work? If someone with these Killer White Teeth were to smile at me, would I be immediately struck dead? Killed by the awesome glow, perhaps? Is the light reflected from them so intense and hot that it would melt the flesh from my bones leaving me to die in agony, oh the agony, OH HOW IT BURNS? Or does having such white teeth create an intense desire within their owner, a desire that can only be quenched by gnawing on human flesh? Is, in fact, the secret to attaining these sparkling white teeth chewing on the bones of infants? Tell me true, People Responsible For Those Teeth-Whitening Ads, are you advocating cannibalism? How many people have to die for the sake of the vanity of others? Hm?

You make me sick.

Seriously. I’m completely disgusted, and it has less to do with the death of innocents angle (though don’t misunderstand me, PRFTT-WA, I think that’s completely deplorable), and more to do with the fact that I hate teeth. I mean, I love teeth. I have teeth and I’m glad about it. I’ve been through nearly every form of orthodontic torture in the world (except for headgear, which was threatened but it fortunately never happened, because I didn’t need anything to make my pre-teen years any more awkward, thanks), and while it’s safe to say that I hated every single moment of it, I guess now I’m grateful, because I had some seriously fucked-up teeth. But while they are in pretty good shape now (slightly crooked on the bottom, thanks to my decision that I really didn’t need to wear my retainers anymore), and I’m grateful for being able to enunciate words and chew, I hate teeth. I don’t want my teeth to fall out or anything, I mean, I like them right where they are, but my god I hate teeth so much I don’t like to look at them or talk about them because it’s so gross make it stop.

Ahem.

So I’m never going to be a dentist, anyway, is what I’m saying.

I know I’m a little weird about teeth, in that I am disgusted by them. I’m so disgusted by them, in fact, that I am cringing while I write this, and I may have to spend some time later locked in my room and silently crying, so I want to get this over with and move on with my day. Let’s get down to brass tacks, PRFTT-WA. Shall we?

Okay. I think the thing is that everybody knows you’re full of crap, right? This housewife who got these aforementioned Killer White Teeth using FREE trials! and I can find out how, presumably by PAYING YOU, is she the same housewife who learned how to get a flat stomach by using one simple trick and has photos of her abdomen in ads all over the damn place (well, every place her teeth are not, rather) and I can find out about this trick, again, presumably by PAYING YOU? Hmmm? Why is it always a housewife? And why don’t you just come out and say what you really want to say, which is pretty clearly “TURN YOURSELF INTO A MILF. FIND OUT HOW!” I know you want to. Furthermore, like I said, everybody knows you’re full of crap. Maybe it’s just me, but I find that when it comes to health and beauty, it’s best not to follow the advice of internet ads. One time when I was bored I read that the secret to losing weight was to feel full all the time so I wouldn’t eat, and the way I could make myself feel full all the time was to drink oil, but it was like, special oil, or something. Call me crazy, but I’d rather just eat and be sensible about it.

Anyway, my point is that not only are you probably trying to scam people out of the money they could’ve just spent on a box of Crest Whitestrips, I really don’t want to look at people’s teeth nearly every time I go to a page on the internet that supports advertising. Just stop it already. You’re totally grossing me out. Thanks.

Sincerely,
Jamelah