sinner

Fraulein N tagged me, so I’ve decided to play along and make myself sound like an awful person, because that’s a good activity for a Friday. So these are my confessions. Except they’re all complete fabrications. Making things up is fun sometimes.

The concept: Sometimes you can learn more about a person by what they don’t tell you. Sometimes you can learn a lot from the things they just make up. If you are tagged with this meme, lie to me. Then tag 7 other folks (one for each deadly sin) and hope they can lie. (You do know I’m not going to tag anyone, right?)

Here we go:

Pride: What is your biggest contribution to the world?

I really hate to brag, so I generally keep a low profile and don’t talk about this much. Talking about myself embarrasses me. But okay: I invented the Snuggie. You had no idea, right? I know. It’s better that way, and don’t go around telling people about it, alright? Here’s the thing, though. One night I was on the couch, watching TV, and it was winter, which means I was FREEZING, so I was wrapped up in a blanket, and then — I remember this very clearly — I wanted to change the channel and I couldn’t get the remote because my arms were TRAPPED. I was in a prison of warmth. In my struggle to get my arms free, I fell off the couch, and then, you guys? I landed on the floor and I was still wrapped in the blanket. (I like to wrap up tightly, like I’m in a cocoon, or perhaps a burrito.) Eventually, I emerged victorious from my blanket jail, and I sat up and had an amazing thought. I thought, “None of this would have happened if my BLANKET had SLEEVES!” And then I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and “blankets with sleeves” kept running through my head for the rest of the night. So the next day I went to the fabric store and bought some fleece and worked up a pattern and blah blah blah it gets kind of boring and technical, but the point is that yeah. The Snuggie. That was me. You’re welcome.

Envy: What do your coworkers have that you wish was yours?

I had no idea that the whole Snuggie thing would take off like it did, so I don’t have to work. (Another thing I don’t like to brag about: I have so much money now!) This means that I don’t really have coworkers anymore. Back when I did have coworkers though — and this is stupid — I never got a good parking space. Man, I hate walking.

Gluttony: What did you eat last night?

I really don’t want to admit this, because it’s pretty embarrassing, but oh, what the hell? The glamorous life of a single girl and all. I ate an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s and half a package of Goldfish crackers. It was great. Don’t judge me.

Lust: What really lights your fire?

Honestly? Okay. I like guys who are kind of dumb. I can’t help it. It’s just so endearing and… and… CUTE! Seriously, I won’t date anybody who knows that Africa is a continent and not a country. (And if you’re a cute guy who happens to be reading this — AFRICA IS A COUNTRY.) Everybody always says they want someone who is smart, and that’s fine because hey, more for me! Oh, also, I really love it when guys wear tight pants. If you got it, flaunt it. That’s what I always say.

Anger: What is the last thing that really pissed you off?

The other day, I was stopped at a stop sign, and I needed to turn left, and this other person was stopped across from me, and he was going straight. And he totally stopped before I did, right? So, all logic says that he had the right of way and I had to wait, which was fine, because there was a really good song on the radio and I wasn’t in any hurry to get back home. Anyway, he waved me through, like I should go ahead, which he obviously shouldn’t have done. I WAS TURNING LEFT. Like, dude, just go already. Because seriously, if there’s ever any time NOT to try and be nice and accommodate other people, it’s when you’re driving. What a jerk.

Greed: Name something you hoard and keep from others.

Other than my Snuggie millions, you mean? This really shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone, but whenever I am in a store, I buy its entire stock of lip gloss. I have so much lip gloss now that there’s absolutely no way I can possibly wear it all, but you know what? I just don’t want you to have any. I’m like that.

Sloth: What’s the laziest thing you ever did?

One time I didn’t feel like walking all the way to the bathroom, so I just peed my pants. Whatever. I was tired.