let’s talk about boobs

While I am on the subject of dubious products, have you ever noticed this ad?

If you’d never seen that before, aren’t you so glad I brought it to your attention? I know. You’re welcome.

Now, I don’t really care about boobs. I understand them from a biological standpoint and I also understand that some people are obsessed with them, which mystifies me a little, but then, people mystify me in general, so I’m willing to accept it. I have two boobs. One on the right and one on the left. And aside from the fact that there seems to be a lot of breast cancer in my family and I hope it never happens to me (oh, and the other fact that they hurt before my period starts which I do not appreciate at all — TMI?) I don’t really pay them much attention, other than to keep them inside of my shirts most of the time.

So that’s my perspective on the matter of boobs.

The thing is, I’m on the, uh, chestier end of the spectrum. I don’t have enormous knockers or anything, but I’m definitely not flat-chested. And thanks to two unexpected and entirely unnecessary growth spurts in the chestal region that I experienced in my late 20s (neither of which were caused by weight gain, and it doesn’t only happen to me, so I guess it’s totally normal, but, you know, STOP ALREADY), I’m even more not-flat-chested than I used to be. All this means, I think, is that I had to get new bras (bra shopping — so fun!) and sometimes when I go into a fitting room to try on shirts, I get stuck in them. The shirts, that is, not the fitting rooms. Do you know what it’s like to pull on a shirt made out of some kind of satiny material and think “Huh. That’s kinda tight across the chest,” and then try to take it off, only to have it stay in place in the boob region and your arms are already over your head and stuck somewhere near the neckline of the shirt and you have to fight the material to get out of it while not making any sound because you don’t want to tip anyone off to the fact that you are stuck inside a shirt — THANKS SO MUCH, BOOBS — and also because you don’t want to rip it, because if you rip it, then you have to buy it, and it doesn’t fit? And maybe you panic a little and get worried that perhaps you’ll be stuck inside the shirt forever, and then someday someone will find you dead on the floor of a fitting room, boobs firmly encased in unpurchased merchandise? Because I’ll tell you — it is a marvelous good time.

The point of all that is to explain that thanks to my boobs, I am part of the target market for this Kush thing. Yay, me.

Here are my issues with this product. First of all, I sleep on my side and I have never once in my life thought “Oh, if only I had some vaguely phallic product to place in between my breasts I could finally sleep at night!” Not one single time. Maybe some people’s boobs crush each other. I don’t know. I’m not going to judge. It’s just… what? Second of all, wouldn’t using some kind of boob spacer device just make the lower boob (yes, lower boob, because this is in the context of side-sleeping) move off further to the side making it that much easier to smash it with your arm? Because I find that my major sleep-related problem with my boobs (aren’t you so interested in knowing this?) is that they get in my way when I move, and not that they touch each other when I’m on my side. But aside from sleeping in a sports bra that would smash them down a little, which is never going to happen, I can’t really think of a fix for that.

I enjoy being a girl.

Anyway, there’s also this issue — how much does the damn thing cost? Observe:

In the video posted above –

In the video on the Kush website –

And right there on the front page of the Kush website –

So there’s that.

In closing, I just want to ask — is this product as hilarious as I think it is? (Hint: I think it’s totally hilarious.) Discuss.