day nine: george michael vs. justin timberlake

From Kevin:

Who’s more awesome: George Michael or Justin Timberlake? Please provide evidence/support.

Okay. Let’s break it down.

Round One:
George Michael was in Wham! Justin Timberlake was in *NSync.

Wham! (as a band name) contains punctuation. It’s not Wham. It’s Wham! Wake me up before you go-go! WHAM!

*NSync (as a band name) contains a symbol. In place of punctuation (technically that asterisk should be an apostrophe). It’s not In Sync. It’s *NSync. I have a lot of problems with this as a name. Also it’s not catchy. It’s not the sound that would appear in a cartoon bubble if, say, Batman were to get into a fight with Catwoman because last Christmas he gave her his heart and the very next day she gave it away (WHAM!) which is just a hypothetical, but still, I think it’s important to consider whether or not your band name could appear in a cartoon bubble and make sense.

Winner, Round One: George Michael

Round Two:
George Michael went on to have a solo career. Justin Timberlake went on to have a solo career.

George Michael is responsible for the song “Faith” which really is a perfect little pop ditty. Maybe it makes me dance around my house sometimes. Maybe. Just maybe. Also it starts with “Well I guess it would be nice if I could touch your body” which is a pretty great way to kick off a song. Like, weeeellllll, I guess it would be nice, but whatever. Also, remember this?

I just watched that again and it embarrassed me so much and seriously, good lord, MY HAIR, but still. George Michael inspired me.

Though there are other George Michael songs. There’s “I Want Your Sex” (direct approach!) and “Father Figure” (Who’s your daddy? Creepy.) And “Freedom ’90″ which is also a rather catchy song, though I can’t think of it without also thinking of the David Fincher-directed, supermodel-laden music video, which was sort of a pop culture icon of the time. And I suppose it still is.

Justin Timberlake is responsible for “Rock Your Body” which I don’t think of as a perfect little pop ditty, though interestingly enough, at the wedding of a couple of friends of mine, this song played when the bride and groom walked back down the aisle. Nothing like pledging your eternal devotion to each other and then taking your first stroll as a married couple to the sounds of a beatboxing JT. And then there’s the issue of “Cry Me A River” which is about Britney, and there’s also Gregorian chanting, and I can’t even explain why I like that song, but I got it stuck in my head one day, and you know how if you get a song stuck in your head you can go either way with it — you can either end up liking it or wanting to set it on fire and throw it off a cliff? Somehow getting that song in my head made me like Justin Timberlake. I don’t get it either.

And then there’s the issue of JT’s FutureSex/LoveSounds album, and okay, yes, I do own it, but shut up. I held out for a really long time.

Winner, Round Two: I don’t know. Can this round be a draw? I never made a video of myself lip-synching to a Justin Timberlake song, but then, I’ve never been to a wedding where the couple played a George Michael song when they walked back down the aisle. I can’t decide!

Round Three:
George Michael collaborated with Elton John. Sir Elton John. Justin Timberlake collaborated with Madonna and Timbaland.

Even though I am terrified that Madge could crush my head with one of her arms, um, I don’t even get that “4 Minutes” song. Do you get it?

Liar. You don’t either.

So. Elton John or Madonna?

Winner, Round Three: George Michael

Round Four:
George Michael was once arrested for soliciting sex in a bathroom. Justin Timberlake, as far as I know, has not been arrested.

So, it really depends on how you define winning, right? On one hand, experience. On the other hand, getting arrested is a drag (not that I’ve ever been arrested). If someone has another hand I can borrow for a second, which seems highly inappropriate, considering the present subject matter, soliciting sex in a bathroom is for skeevy closeted politicians, and I am anti-skeeve.

Winner, Round Four: Justin Timberlake

Round Four Point Five: (non-scoring round)
Also there was that one time when George Michael was so high that he passed out in traffic. Except it was more than one time. And come on dude. You can afford a driver.

Again, Justin Timberlake seems good at not getting arrested.

Round Five:
Sunglasses! (I’m reaching at this point.)

George Michael was into aviators back in the day.

Classic.

Justin Timberlake was into cornrows and… um.

Oh holy Jesus.

Winner, Round Five: George Michael

Round Six:
George Michael and Justin Timberlake have both made television appearances.

George Michael was on Eli Stone:

And Justin Timberlake has been on SNL roughly eleventy billion times (really why don’t they make him a cast member?) but this one:

Well. Dance biscuits. Also, Paul Rudd! Have I ever mentioned that I love him?

While it’s pretty cool to be someone’s brain tumor-induced delusion… DANCE BISCUITS. (Also don’t you love how that video says “www.thebeyoncenetwork.com” at the bottom?) Also, you know, Beyonce had the best video OF ALL TIME! So there’s that.

Winner, Round Six: Justin Timberlake

Anyway, looking at the numbers here, considering the fact that Round Two was a tie, it looks like George Michael wins by one point. Very close battle today, but winning is winning, so congratulations to Mr. Too Funky himself, George Michael, for being the awesomest.