day seventeen: lost & found

From my wifey:

I am existentially lost. What should I, Emily T, your former roommate and current wife, do with my life, career-wise? What are some realistic goals I should set?

Did you know that I’m married? I am. I have a wife. Her name is Emily. I know I’ve told this story before, but I feel like I need to repeat it once in awhile just because it might be a bit confusing, since I’m single and I like boys, and I also have a wife.

It’s like this. Emily and I met in an English class, and I thought she was a cool girl. And then we had some more classes together, like that one geology class taught by The Twilcher, and we were also on the staff of our college’s fine newspaper. I hated that newspaper so much, but I had a lot of fun with the staff. And anyway, Emily and I were in this class about the Renaissance and we read a lot of really exciting stuff, such as conduct literature, so it was a swingin’ good time. And somebody was doing some kind of project about Renaissance wedding vows and they needed volunteers to get married. And this is the most romantic thing ever. Emily was all, “Oooh! I want to be the bride!” and then she turned around and looked at the lone guy in the class, Chad, and then she turned to me and said “I don’t want to marry Chad. Come on, Jamelah, we’re getting hitched!” So we went up to the front of the class and had a wedding. I had to be the groom, and I got a serious case of the giggles when I had to pledge to honor my wife with my body. Also I had to give Emily my ring and when the wedding was over, I asked for it back. Because I love that ring. It’s a silver band and I still wear it every day. So, we were wife and wife, set to live happily ever after. And then the next semester, we were roommates in Venice and we couldn’t move our beds more than six inches apart or we couldn’t open the closets. And in Italy, they have two bed sizes — singolo and matrimonio. Well, we were practically in a matrimonio anyway, and when I would talk in my sleep, Emily would tell me to shut up, so really, just like married people!

And we had an anniversary party in Venice at Cafe Blue (if you are ever in Venice, please go there — it is the best bar) and Emily gave me a lighter with a bottle opener on the end that she got in Aberdeen, and even though the lighter doesn’t work anymore, I still use the bottle opener for beer. Great present.

So we’ve been married now for… gosh, almost a decade! Wow. That’s crazy. And Emily is the best wife ever. You better recognize.

Okay! So, now that I’ve explained our romantic history, I will answer your question. Wife, it’s like this. I don’t know what you should do with your life (other than to continue being awesome), but I have a feeling that you know. For some reason, and I don’t know why this is, but it seems pretty stupid, really, it’s often hard to come out and say “This is what I want.” Like saying it — whatever it is — is somehow both selfish and stupid. But it’s really neither of those things. There’s nothing wrong with wanting things, after all. I lived a long time believing that it was good enough to know what I didn’t want, but it’s not. While it’s important to know what you don’t want, you can’t live your entire life defining your desires in the negative. Like in my case, I knew I didn’t want to be a reporter, I didn’t want to marry that one guy, I didn’t want to work at that soul-crushing job anymore. But while I could define what I didn’t want, I had a hard time stating what I did want.

Maybe it’s because over time we learn that what we want changes. What I wanted when I was 20 is not what I want now, and there’s always this uncertainty, because what if I pick the wrong thing? You don’t want your life to be like the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and have some old knight look at the pile of dust that used to be you and say “[S]he chose…poorly.” I mean, really. That would suck. But the truth is that it’s not so dramatic. Life manages to be both short and long, and I think the only constant is that everything changes.

When it comes to deciding on goals, I am not the most practical of people, and I find that this is making it difficult for me to give you a set of realistic steps you should take. I tend to fly by the seat of my pants, and sometimes this works out really well for me, and sometimes I end up broke and unemployed for months upon months, so yeah. So while I wouldn’t necessarily recommend quitting your job right now unless you happen to have another one lined up (or a trust fund), I think if it’s not making you happy, then for your own sanity, you should take steps to get the hell out of there. It’s amazing what it can do for your attitude when you know that something you don’t like is only temporary and you have the end in sight.

Spend some time being really honest with yourself and thinking about what it is that you really want, and then, no matter how cheesy it sounds to do this, write it down. Everything. Big and small. Because seeing it in writing makes it more real. And keep that list handy, if only to remind yourself that there are things in the world other than what you have now.

If you’re looking for a job change — either a total career switch, or the same type of thing that happens to be somewhere else — research some options and then see if you can connect with people who might be able to help you get where you want to go. (A possible way to do this is through finding volunteer opportunities that may be related somehow — volunteerism is not only wonderfully do-gooder-y, it is also great for networking.) Start dropping into conversations that you’re looking. A lot of people may be able to direct you toward something but they may also have no idea that you’re looking for direction.

I feel like there are stories I could tell, but at the same time, I don’t feel like I’m necessarily an example of anything. Maybe in some ways, I’m more of a cautionary tale. But I honestly believe that we know ourselves better than we think we do, and when we feel lost, it’s because we stopped listening to ourselves and started listening to a lot of external “you should do this” or “you should do that” and then everything gets muddy. And while it’s not that other people can’t give advice or offer encouragement, remember that you know better than they do what you should be doing. In short — trust yourself.

I don’t know if I’m being helpful or not, but life is a funny thing, and sometimes we end up having to take really odd, circuitous paths to get somewhere we want to be. Just know that you’re smart and talented and super cool, so believe that wherever you jump, you’ll land on your feet.