in the event of the rapture

Like most people, I don’t believe that the world is ending today. I just figured I’d state that for the record, whatever record there is. My mom has a degree in theology, and I therefore spent a lot of time during my formative years having discussions about complex theological subjects (or, as I like to call it, God stuff), and we’d occasionally touch on the subject of the end times (is that supposed to be capitalized? The End Times? THE END TIMES?), which, as it happens, has always turned out to be a subject that I never could bring myself to care about much at all. I’m not much interested in the end of the world, or what happens after we die, or anything along those lines. I figure that if the end of the world comes, or if I die (well, when I die, since it’s an inevitability, that, for my part, will be tantamount to the end of the world), what happens next, if anything, is going to be entirely out of my hands, so it’s best not to get worked up about it and instead I’d be better off concerning myself with the here and now.

In the here and now, I figure these are good words to live by:

“Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It’s hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It’s round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you’ve got about a hundred years here. There’s only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.”

That’s Kurt Vonnegut, in case you don’t know. He always said things well, so it’s probably a good thing he was a writer.

Anyway, on the off chance that this dude who predicted the end of the world actually nailed Jesus down (pardon the word choice there) and got him to set a date, it’s probably best to make sure that you spend this day well. It wouldn’t be too bad to have some hot guy serve me margaritas by the pool this afternoon, but instead I am going to hang out with some friends and I think there may be cake involved, which works pretty well for me, since I don’t even have a pool. I am going to wear comfortable shoes today, because I reckon the apocalypse would be murder in heels.

And that’s that. Have a good rapture, kids.