So this morning, there I was in my car, driving down I-94, as I do pretty much every day, when I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I turned my head and looked. It was a spider, dangling from my driver’s side window. While this most assuredly would be amazingly uncool at any time of day, I think the uncoolness of the situation was heightened by the fact that it wasn’t even 7:15 a.m. yet. It was, I don’t know, but judging by my location on the road, maybe 7:09, which is –let’s face it — far too early in the day to discover an arachnid just chillingout alarmingly close to my face. I took about 1 second to weigh my options:
1. Jump from my moving vehicle to my certain death, comforted in my last seconds only by the fact that it’s probably better to die in a traffic accident than to have a spider eat my face,
2. Let the spider eat my face, thereby causing a traffic accident and die in a fiery inferno of exploding cars and also have no face, or
3. Kill the spider because seriouslyWHAT THE HELL
and after contemplating each for a few miliseconds, I chose the third option. So, while traveling along at 70 miles per hour (because I most assuredly never speed), I leaned over and grabbed a napkin from my glove compartment. I keep a massive stash of napkins in there, because you never know when you’re going to need a napkin, and I get made fun of fairly regularly for how many napkins are in there, though it’s always by passengers in my car who open the glove compartment to get a napkin, so hey, shut up. Once the glove compartment was closed, I reached over with my right hand — while keeping my left on the wheel, because what am I, a reckless driver? — and, keeping my eyes on the road because I was near an interchange and I didn’t want to run into anybody while committing spider murder, KILLED THE SPIDER.
It’s always good to start the week with a victory, I think.