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The other day, I got the following spam:

if he’s hard to shop for - you won’t go wrong with viiiiaaaaagggrrrraaa

I promptly deleted it, but then I thought, “What if a really REALLY stupid person got that message?” And then I giggled about it and moved on with my day. But the idea stuck with me, and I kept thinking about it. Because really, what if a really REALLY stupid person got that message? And what if that really REALLY stupid person thought it was a good idea? Imagine the scenarios:

(Okay, so Janette in Accounting writes like a serial killer.)

Oh, the awkward conversations that would ensue. And you’d think I’d have enough of my own awkwardness, that I wouldn’t have to imagine other people’s and then laugh about it, but if you think that, then you obviously don’t know me very well.

Also, apropos of nothing, I just can’t get past this. Seriously.

If such a thing is possible, happy Monday.

Me: So, what do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
Mom: You can take me to see Iron Man.

Here’s a game I like to play when I’m bored and I’m going to inflict it on you. Because that is what blogging is all about. Besides, it’s not like you’re not looking for ways to waste time at work today. Unless you’re me, because I’m working very hard.

So. Would you rather…

1. Have herpes or a peg leg?

2. Be trapped in the closet with R. Kelly or the midget?

3. Be a crack whore or an assistant crack whore?

4. Win a million dollars or wake up being insanely, flawlessly good looking?

5. Be famous for nothing (think Paris Hilton) or be brilliantly gifted yet nobody knows about it?

6. Be stuck in 1995 or 1795?

7. Be Indiana Jones or James Bond?

8. Eat nothing but cheese for a year or have to wear a giant chicken costume to work every day?

9. Be on Flavor of Love or A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila?

10. Have a roommate who constantly has loud fights on the phone or who constantly has loud sex?

11. Live in Antarctica or live in Hell? (Those are the only two places I can think of where the weather would be comparable opposites.)

12. Go on a roadtrip with your friends or significant other to someplace like… Lincoln, Nebraska or fly alone to Fiji?

13. Always be right or not be an asshole?

14. Be unable to listen to any song other than “London Bridge” by Fergie ever again for the rest of your life, and it’s, like, on repeat, or die?

15. Date David Lee Roth (current Diamond Dave, not 1984 Diamond Dave) or have a wardrobe made out of glittery spandex?

I ask you.

(No, I’m not announcing my retirement from being single. I’m just having one of those really random thought sessions that I have every minute of every day.)

This is probably going to be the least important thing you’ll read all day, but I was just thinking about it and furthermore, I’ve decided that whenever I have a thought that is at least mildly amusing (to me, and my definition of “amusing” is pretty lax), I’m just going to make a blog post about it. I figure this decision will last for at least two days.

So it’s sort of like a new year’s resolution, except in May.

A couple of days ago, I was having a conversation, which I do pretty regularly, to be honest, and somehow — I have no idea how, none at all — it got onto how food makes for good terms of endearment. Pet names. You know, when you love someone and you call them “pumpkin.” Stuff like that. (Please note: when you love me, don’t call me “pumpkin.”) And anyway, now I am wondering if any food counts, like if you can call someone any type of food item the right way and it will still be sweet and endearing, or if there’s a line somewhere. Personally, I think the line should be drawn at “I love you, my little haggis,” but maybe that’s just me.

Because I guarantee that if anyone calls me haggis, we’re going to have to fight about it.

So, here’s my question. Please answer.

Is there anything it is NOT okay to be called by the person you’re madly in love with if that person says it in a completely non-argument-starting, loving way? Be honest. Can anything work when said the right way?

And here’s another one:

Is there anything you secretly hope the person you’re madly in love with would call you, that you’re totally okay with admitting on the internet, thereby nullifying its status as a secret hope?

Personally, I keep getting stuck with “princess.” Four times in a row now. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that next time, I get “queen of everything.” You heard it here first.

I have no idea what that title even means, but I do know that it’s true, so that’s enough.

Anyway, I’m supposed to do this meme thing, the one where I tell you six quirky things about myself. I know I am supposed to do this meme thing, because I was tagged by Tiff. I am sure I’ve done this meme thing once already, and maybe even more than once, but since it’s not like I am full to overflowing with blog material these days, and since it’s also not like I’m not some sort of repository of quirk, I figure I can do it again. This meme thing has rules, some of which I am intending to break, but I can at least tell you what they are:

* Link to the person who tagged you.
* Post the rules on your blog.
* Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
* Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
* Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

And now, as the kids say, it’s business time:

(I hope I haven’t told you all of these things already.)

1. I feel that in the years since I graduated college, I’ve been getting dumber. I know that I’m not dumb, and I just use my brain for things that don’t involve writing papers, which is totally fine, but still, there’s part of me that feels guilty about… I don’t even know what it is, exactly. And the reason why I don’t know what it is is because I’ve gotten dumber! Gah! In five more years, I probably won’t even be able to spell anymore.

2. I always have about 15 crushes. At once. Always. It’s mainly because I am attracted to so many different things in so many different people that I may have one crush because someone is so ridiculously smart, and another one because someone is always hilarious, and yet another because someone is so painfully hot it makes me feel kinda funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym class. (Yes, I did just make a reference to Wayne’s World, and I might have a crush on you if you knew that.)

3. Speaking of hotness, I have a thing for contractors. Have I ever mentioned this before? Guys who build things and fix things. My God. Apparently, some women have a thing for men in uniform, but I have a thing for men covered in paint splatters and drywall dust. And power tools? Hahaha I’m getting flustered.

4. I hate having my picture taken. This is perhaps odd, considering the fact that I’m doing this self-portrait-a-day thing (and it often feels like the longest year of my life, but I’m too stubborn to quit), but if anything, I think this may have exacerbated the problem. In truth, I am not that photogenic, and if you’d like proof, you can look through snapshots other people have taken of me, but first you’ll have to pry them from my cold, dead hands. People think I’m photogenic, but that’s mostly because I know what it takes to get a good photo of myself (and also, the outtakes never see the light of day). It’s not that I’m actually hideous or anything, I mean, I look the way I look. It’s more that I don’t know what it is about photographs of me taken by other people, but I almost always end up looking like some kind of mutant. My point is, don’t take pictures of me. I’m not kidding. I hate it.

5. Speaking of looks and whatever, which I guess I kind of was, it’s not that it isn’t flattering to be called pretty, because it is, I guess, but I always think it’s such a weird compliment, especially since I really have very little to do with what I look like. I mean, that’s all genetics. In fact, I remember one potentially romantic moment (that I totally ruined) where a boy brushed hair away from my face and said “You’re cute as hell” and I replied with “I’ll be sure to thank my parents for passing on the favorable genes.” I have my mom’s bone structure, I have my dad’s coloring (and chin… our chins are exactly the same). It could’ve gone all wrong, and it’s really just a matter of chance, what I look like. I’d much rather be complimented on something I actually had something to do with, like my winning personality. (Heh.) Am I the only girl on the planet who is indifferent toward being called pretty?

6. I read the end of the book before I finish it. I argue that this does not ruin the book for me at all, because I still have to find out how everything got to that point, and often, it heightens the curiosity for me. It’s not some sort of When Harry Met Sally sort of thing, where I have to know how the book ends in case I die before I finish it, though that may be a subconscious part of it, since I think about dying a lot. I’m sort of sickly obsessed with my own mortality. But it’s mostly that I want to know if I should keep going with it or not. Every book I have not read the end of first, I have not finished. So there.

Okay, there you have it. Six things. And here’s the part where I break the meme rules by not tagging anybody. If you haven’t done it and want to, be my guest. Or if you have done it and you want to do it again, I’m not stopping you. Have at it or don’t. The choice is yours.

Please.

I am not kidding.

Dudes, my blog is six. I wrote a big ol’ retrospective post last year, so I figure it would be silly to do it again, just one year later. In terms of blogging, it’s been a rocky year, with me being too busy to post much while I was in Arabic Camp, then me posting some stuff whenever I felt like it because I was out of Arabic Camp and also unemployed, to me posting all the damn time because I was insane and I signed up for NaBloPoMo, then… whatever it’s been over the past few months. Sporadic, I guess you’d say.

But let’s not relive the year in blog. We’ve already been through it once. Instead, let’s look into the future, because clairvoyance is my favorite:

And then we’ll all have flying cars. Awesome.

Happy birthday, blog!

Last night I had a dream that I was having a cup of coffee with a friend and it was a quiet moment where neither of us was talking and I suddenly put my head down on the table and started laughing. “What?” my friend asked.

“Oh,” I said, sitting up and wiping hilarity-induced tears from my eyes, “I was just thinking about Trapped in the Closet.”

“What?”

“You know the part where R. Kelly — who is actually named Sylvester, well not actually, but his character is named Sylvester — is with his brother-in-law — who just got out of prison and also was shot earlier in the day — are over at the cop’s house and there’s a midget?”

“I’m afraid I don’t.”

“That means you haven’t seen Trapped in the Closet, because if you had, you’d remember. You should watch it, like, right now. It will change your life.”

“Do I really need my life changed?”

“By R. Kelly’s demented genius? Yes. You do.”

And scene.

So if you have somehow managed to make it nearly halfway through 2008 without having seen Trapped in the Closet, I suggest you watch it now. Because my dream has made it clear that my mission in life is to R. Kelly-vangelize to the masses.

I’m going to make it very easy for you, friends:

Totally not a waste of 40 minutes at all.

Oh, boys and girls, it has been such a long time since I learned things from Cosmo. Last October, to be exact. I don’t know how I’ve managed to go so long without availing myself of the wisdom that Cosmo has to offer, but I decided it was time to fix that problem. So I recently picked up The Sexy Issue (it comes with a warning that it is not for girls who blush easily) and my goodness, the things I have learned. I’m going to share them with you now, because knowledge, it is for sharing. And here we go:

Celebrities

– Kristen Bell is Hollywood’s sexiest smart ass.

– Gigantic earrings are a trend.

– In a survey of 100 people on the street, 82% preferred a photo of Victoria Beckham with big boobs, whereas 72% preferred a photo of Nicole Richie with small boobs. **Edit 4/24/08 — Here is a Venn Diagram I made to illustrate this statistic:

Sex, Love, Dating

– A girl can learn a lot about a guy by what kind of sheets are on his bed. According to an interior designer. So if his sheets are basic, he’s boring; if the sheets are silky, he’s just looking to score; if they are high thread count and have a matching duvet cover, his mom bought them and he’s looking for someone to take care of him. It says nothing about guys who are okay, so I guess they don’t have sheets.

– “Unlock his emotions by asking: ‘Would you rather be handsome, rich, or smart?’”

– 28% of men have faked an orgasm.

– If you want to have sex in public but you don’t want to be too public, have sex in your car. I’m sure they neglected to mention that the car should be parked on the street and the radio should be really really loud. Right? (Think of it as shaky bridge sex.)

– A great song to give him a striptease to? “Sweet Child O’ Mine” by Guns ‘N’ Roses. Really. To test this song’s sexiness, I am listening to it right now. I think it could only make a really effective striptease song if you started singing along right at the “Ay yi yi yi yi yi yi yi oooooooh WHERE DO WE GO NOW? Ah ohwoohwoohwo oh oh WHERE DO WE GOOOOOO? AAAOOOO WHERE DO WE GO NOW? WHERE DO WE GO-OH-OH-OH-OHWO-OH-OH WHERE DO WE GO NOW? WHERE DO WE GOOOO OOOWAAAAOOOH WHERE DO WE GO NOW? NOW NOW NOW NOW NO NO NO. SWEET CHI-EYE-ILD SWEET CHI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-ILD OF MI-I-IIIIIIEEEEEEIIIIINE.” (Yes, I am something of an expert when it comes to transliterating Axl Rose.) And then you’re naked.

– For some women, the scent of cucumber increases blood flow to the vaginal region. So spray cucumber scent on your pillow before sex. I’m not sure how you’re supposed to be able to tell if the scent of cucumber works for you, however. Cut up a cucumber and see if you feel a little tingle down below? I don’t know. What I do know is that later on in the magazine, in an article about the sexiest things, the cucumber is the sexiest-looking vegetable. Are these things related? Let’s just say yes.

– Did you KNOW that there’s a patent for a condom that plays a song or a pre-recorded message during sex? Omigod.

– How to spot a dick. It has nothing to do with spotted dick, even though if you say “spot a dick” fast enough, it kind of sounds like “spotted dick” — go on, try it — I guarantee that this is something I would never ever eat, just because it sounds like an unfortunate STD symptom. The article is about guys who are dicks and how to tell before you waste your time on them. I would’ve read it, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that there is an actual food item called spotted dick. Those wacky Brits.

Health, Beauty & Fashion

– Did you KNOW that Brazilians (the wax jobs not the people from Brazil) are responsible for an upswing in labiaplasty (or as I like to call it, as of two seconds ago, cooter cosmetic surgery), and a downturn in the number of cases of pubic lice? Now you do. You’re welcome.

– They give instructions on how to get big hair. Since I was born with big hair, however, I don’t find this necessary. Where are the instructions on how to get small hair?

– Bizarre Boob Behavior: I love it when Cosmo is alliterative! Okay, not really. Did you KNOW that in the past decade, the average bra size has gone up from a 34B to a 36C? There’s other stuff in this article too, but I’m getting a little tired of writing this stuff down.

– This season, dress like a hippie! A slutty hippie. Or wear frilly, flowing things. Slutty frilly, flowing things.

– Wear sunscreen.

– Brunette is currently more popular than blond. Suck it.

– Putting egg whites on your hair for three - five minutes then rinsing: a trick to get super-shiny hair.

– Short skirts are in, so look for tailored styles and A-line mini-dresses.

– Put some of your favorite lotion in a microwave-safe dish then zap it for about 15 seconds… apparently this makes the lotion more… effective? Something.

Okay, there it is. Don’t you feel so EDUCATED right now? I know I do.