Jun 25 2002
78200981
if i were to call my grandmother
i’m not calling my grandmother tonight, because i have a big ol’ glass of jim beam and diet coke, and i see the combination of talking to grandma and drinking to be a disaster waiting to happen. but if i were to call her, this is how it would go:
“hello?”
“hey grandma.”
“huh?”
“hey.”
“juanita? i mean, jamelah?”
“yeah. hey. are you on the speaker phone again?”
“uh huh.”
“thought so. sounds like you’re yelling through a paper towel tube.”
she’d ignore this. “what you up to?”
“nothing.”
“nothing?”
“yeah. nothing. how about you?”
“well, i’m wore out. lola came over today and we went over to marshall to k-mart. i saw this shirt you might like, but i didn’t get it because i thought it would be too small for you.” (note: my grandma thinks i’m about four sizes larger than i actually am. she bought me underwear at christmas that were so big i could pull them up over my boobs.)
“yeah?”
“yeah. then we went to see opal…”
i would tune this part out.
“…you wasn’t in church on sunday.”
“i know.”
“was you sick?”
“no. i just got up too late.”
“helen’s great grandson was there….”
“yeah? is his hair still hot pink?”
she’d ignore this. “when you going to come over to finish my wallpaper?”
“sometime.”
“before i die?” she’d laugh, but not mean it.
“you still want one of my hollyhock plants that came up volunteer this year?”
“i thought i’d wait until fall…”
“whatever. they’re getting big.”
she’d launch into a monologue about how the daisies were taking everything over. i’d stare at the wall.
“you found you a good job yet?”
“no.”
“you looking?”
i’d lie. “yes.”
“oh. well… ok….”
“talk to you later.”
“ok… carol’s working at that gas station.”
“i know.”
“how? you go up there?”
“no. you already told me.”
“oh? well…ok…”
“talk to you later.”
“james called me yesterday.”
“yeah?”
“he might be up here in the fall.”
“oh. well, i think i’ll go clean my room now.”
“well… ok…”
“talk to you later.”
“ok….”
“bye.”
“you know, i think i’ll go with phyllis tomorrow. in case you call.”
“ok.”
“so you don’t think i’m dead.”
“alright.”
“well… ok…”
“talk to you later.”
“ok….”
“bye.”
“bye.”
yep. just like calling grandma, without actually calling grandma.
that makes me feel evil. i’ll call her tomorrow.
