Sep 22 2003
106426490966078477
the secret to my perpetual bad luck
i’ve figured it all out. today i was reading an e-mail forward from someone who hasn’t written to me in well over a year, and i was thinking not about how weird it was that i was actually reading an e-mail forward, but about the forward itself.
see, it wasn’t one of those jokes that everyone who has an internet connection has read at least 3,000 times, and you have to keep getting everytime someone you know gets e-mail for the first time, no. it was one of those chain letter things. remember chain letters? i haven’t gotten one of those for years, but i got one today. and when i got to the part of the chain letter about how, if i didn’t send it on to at least five people within the next five minutes, i would be plagued with horrible luck for the next several years of my life, it hit me: i never forward chain letters. i am doomed.
when i think of all the chain e-mails i’ve received since i first had e-mail way back in 1996, i realize that i couldn’t even count them all. not even if i really wanted to. there must be hundreds. hundreds of chain letters that i refused to forward on to my friends and relatives.
hundreds of chain letters that carried warnings. warnings about how i’d never fall in love, how i’d have no friends, how i’d never have a successful career…. the list goes on and on. i never believed that an e-mail could have such power over my life, so i’d roll my eyes and delete the messages.
dear god, what have i done?
i’m 24, i’m irrevocably single (i did try falling in love once, but i learned my lesson and i’m not going to do that anymore), most everyone i enjoy spending time with lives in another state, and i’m unemployed self-employed.
i’m cursed. cursed, i tell you! it’s not like i didn’t know i was cursed before, but now i know why. and when i think about the accumulated years of horrifyingly bad luck i’ve racked up by deleting those hundreds of chain e-mails, i realize that, unless i live to be about 400 or so, it’s never getting any better.
this is as good as it gets! holy fuck.
and there’s something really wrong with me, because i just can’t stop laughing right now.
