Jan 25 2004
what the world needs now is me, sweet me
it has come down to this: i need a patron.
i really don’t think this is an outlandish idea. i mean, i am an artist. an artist who spends insane amounts of time contemplating fortune cookie fortunes and television commercials and spam, but an artist nonetheless. the truth of the matter is that artists need patrons so they can concentrate on their art without having to waste time at what the locals call “jobs.”
now, i am aware of the fact that the patron system seems to have died at some point, but i think it’s time someone breathed life into it again, and i, for one, am completely willing to be patronized in order to see that happen. yes.
so, without further ado, here are the top ten reasons why, if you have an insane amount of money that you don’t know what to do with, you should consider paying me in large, regular installments:
1. i’m not sure, but i think being my patron is completely tax-deductible. let’s just say it is. sure. who doesn’t love tax breaks? crazy people, that’s who. and you don’t want everybody to think you’re crazy, do you? of course you don’t.
2. if you become my patron, i will write about things you’d like to read about from time to time, when i’m not busy writing about other things, you understand.
3. i will donate part of the money you pay me through this whole patron deal to charity. certainly, you could just go ahead and donate money to a charity yourself, but you wouldn’t want to deny me the chance to be a benevolent philanthropist, would you?
4. sometimes when i’m talking to people and i get bored, i just start dancing badly and then they ask me what the hell i think i’m doing. i think it’s funny. anyway, this means that i am a misunderstood genius. you know who else was a misunderstood genius? van gogh. i don’t paint, or anything, but work with me here. the point is that, um, i’m just going to move on to #5.
5. you can talk about me at parties. i won’t mind. as long as you always say nice, complimentary things. but i can’t think of a single reason why you wouldn’t want to say nice, complimentary things, so it’s all good. in any case, how cool will you be if, at a party, your friend says, “i just bought a yacht” and you say “i am an artist’s patron. she’s much more expensive than a yacht, but man, is she funny!” you will be way cooler than yacht-boy, that’s for sure, and really, i’m just looking out for you. because i’m generous that way.
6. if i ever get around to finishing it, i will dedicate my novel to you. really. i will. i swear. like, totally.
7. just because i won’t sleep with you ever, it doesn’t mean that i won’t appreciate you. because i will. and as a sign of my appreciation, i will send you cards on all national holidays. even on holidays i don’t celebrate, like, oh, australia day or cinco de mayo. i’ll even make sure that they’re hallmark cards, because i care enough to send the very best.
8. i will go on long vacations. i haven’t quite worked out how that will be a benefit to you, but i’m sure i can come up with a reason at some point. in any case, i just thought i’d let you know.
9. even though i am completely unqualified to give advice about anything relating to, well, anything, i will give you free consultations with my magic 8 ball if you ever have a pressing question about the future. i mean, i won’t let you have my magic 8 ball, but i’ll ask it for you. and if it gives an incorrect answer first, i’ll keep asking until it says what you want to hear. that’s the kind of dedication i will have, oh patron.
10. you know how exciting it is when you put on your winter coat for the first time since last winter and you find money in the pocket? well, this will be just like that. i have no idea how, but i’ll just say that being my patron will be as exciting as finding money in your coat pocket. i’m sure it will be. somehow.
anyway, there you have it. the top ten reasons why you should part with a large amount of your personal fortune in order to finance my existence. i think they’re all great reasons, and i’m sure you do, too.
so how about it, hm?
