Jan 26 2004
107517175517473100
a note to my readers, or a state of the blog address, if you will
i’m just going to be honest and say i know that there are people who read this blog, or at least there are people who show up here daily and leave after ten seconds, disappointed at the complete lack of porn, but outside of the five or six of you i know personally, i don’t really know anything about my audience. i suppose that’s okay, i mean, if i knew who you were, i’d continue to write about stupid things with all the bravado i could muster in an attempt to make you laugh and call me a genius and talk about me at dinner parties (yeah), but every once in awhile, i find the fact that there are lurkers here a little bit weird. you don’t have to go away, or anything, i’m just typing.
all of that to say that although i really don’t know how what i have to write goes over with you, i thought i’d say hi anyway.
and now, down to bid’ness:
my fellow internet users, the state of the blog is kinda okay, i guess. i mean, the blog is in as good a shape as i am at any given time, and right now i’m not doing so great, but i’m sure you’ll be relieved to hear how i’ve theorized that if i listen to “hey jupiter” on repeat and play rocket mania enough, i’ll be as fine and cranky as ever in a couple of days. i’m doing what i can.
personal mope-a-thon aside, i have made a few policy decisions that i’m sure you’ll be delighted to read about:
decision #1 – i think it’s high time my blog went to war. although i am generally a peace-loving type of girl, there’s nothing that gets the engines running like a good old-fashioned fight. so i’m going to scrap it out with a yet-to-be-determined entity. maybe my local city council. or paraguay. or the dollar general store on eaton street. so many choices, really.
decision #2 – that travelocity commercial with the lawn gnome. oh yeah, i have things to say about that.
decision #3 – i am going on a one-woman mission to eradicate the words “moist” and “gristle” from the english language. i’ve said something along these lines for quite awhile, but it’s time for action! yes, for far too long, we have been subjected to the gag-inducing hideous disgustingness of these two blights on the language, and i will not stand by and let them continue to gross me out when i hear them in conversation or read them in a piece of writing. as such, i declare myself the queen of the english language and i declare these words no more. i’m sorry, but you’re going to have to look for synonyms.
decision #4 – as the new queen of the english language, i would like to announce a royal decree: i need chocolate, and as a speaker/reader of my language, you are hereby required to send some to me right now. or, at the very least, lie and tell me that the chocolate’s in the mail. do not e-mail me pictures of chocolate, because then i’ll just hate you.
decision #5 – i promise you that i will never, ever get tired of saying, in the words of patrick and gunther kelly, “yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.”
i really think that these five things will add greatly to my productivity as sole keeper of this blog, and since the blog is all about the blog, then it’s certain that i’ve said “blog” so many times i’ve completely forgotten what the purpose of this sentence was. in any case, it is my goal to make sure this blog maintains its kinda okay status, and it is time for me to have a snack and play some more rocket mania.
goodnight.
