Oct 30 2004
the time has come
As I’m sure you know, we* at Jamelah World Headquarters work very diligently on our plan for Total World DominationTM. Because it is our calling, and we will not rest until every last person on the planet has easy access to cigarettes and margaritas. And until every last person on the planet refers to us as “Princess”. And all places of employment have mandatory naptime. And the potato finally gets the respect it deserves. And, um, yeah… that’s it. The world will be a better place then, oh yes.
Anyway, I know that deep down, you agree that I will be the best leader of the planet because I’m laid back and don’t believe in micromanaging. I also have a quick wit and I’m a snappy dresser. It’s true. I am.
But before I get into extolling my virtues, which is a pastime that is oh, so easy to get caught up in, let me tell you about my plan. You’re going to be excited. Trust me.
See, I believe that it’s important for leaders to prove themselves to their followers. And as such, I think we should take this Total World Domination thing in stages. Unlike other evil geniuses, I’m not asking to rule the world right this very second, no, I think we should take some time to get to know one another. Or, more accurately, I think you should take some time to get to know how totally awesome I am, so I propose (are you ready for this?) that I take over the internet.
Whoa. Whoa, calm down. Just think about it for a minute. The internet is a crazy place. Wait. Let me reiterate that. You ready? The internet is a crazy place. And hey, I know from experience that it is literally infested with psychopathic moron freak idiot nutwhacks. It’s true! The place is crawling with them! I know! I feel your pain, for verily I say unto you, your pain is my pain. Really.
Now, before you go thinking that I’m going to go all crazy and turn the internet into a totalitarian dictatorship, let me tell you that you are absolutely right. However, nobody will mind because it will be a fun totalitarian dictatorship. And Friday will be Hawaiian shirt day. For real. Let me tell you about my plan:
- Spam will continue, because hey, I need blog fodder, and we need to encourage great art such as this, but I promise that it will only be really funny spam.
- I will have the supreme right to revoke internet access from people who use the internet to stalk, harrass, freak out, weird out, irritate or otherwise annoy other users. That means that the person who never e-mails you except to send 20 stupid forwards at a time will be a thing of the past. (Well not the person… I’m not going to kill people or anything, because I’m lazy, I’m just saying that the forwarding… yeah. Okay.) This also means that people who take you to the brink of brain aneurysm on a regular basis with their immense idiocy will be a thing of the past. This might sound harsh, but trust me, you won’t miss them. Seriously.
- Oh, and ugly websites? Yeah, no more of that.
So, as you can see, I’ve put a lot of thought into this and I am the girl with the plan. Indeed. I mean, I don’t really know how the logistics of revoking someone’s internet would work, exactly, but I am dedicated to figuring it out, because that’s the kind of person I am. Plus, I think it will involve henchmen, and we all love henchmen! Right? Exactly.
Thank you.
*That would be me, referring to myself as the royal “we”. Practice, you understand.
