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Okay, I don’t know if this commercial has been seen by anybody who doesn’t live within the United States, but if you do live within the United States and you’ve watched television at all recently, I’m sure you’ve seen the commercial for what is apparently a revolution in female undergarments — that’s right, I’m talking about IPEX, from Victoria’s Secret.

Now, I love Victoria’s Secret as much as the next girl, if only for the fact that when I shop the semi-annual sale online, I get padded envelopes with solitary pairs of underwear in them for the next three months. (Haven’t these people heard of combined shipping?) But I also find Victoria’s Secret completely ridiculous, because, well, it is. And the latest commercial, featuring Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend, who, as far as I can tell, is experiencing throes of ecstacy because of a bra (so we know it’s fiction right from the start), is the pinnacle of this ridiculosity. (Yeah, ridiculosity. Deal.) Let’s examine this, shall we?

1. Patent Pending - I don’t even know what I can say about this, because seriously now. IT’S A BRA. Granted, I don’t know about the intense technological engineering that goes into bra-making, and perhaps if I did, I would have a greater appreciation for the apparent rocket science that has gone into the creation of this IPEX thing, but, well, IT’S A BRA. And I don’t know, maybe I should be grateful for the amount of study and concern that goes into making sure the girls have proper lift and support, but I can’t help but feel that it just can’t be that big of a deal.

2. Two Years In Development - Can you picture it? A bunch of people sitting around in lab coats, fighting about lycra calibration (not that I know if there even is such a thing as lycra calibration — I’m just guessing), giving up time with their families, eating microwave dinners, and in all ways freaking out like the stereotype of scientists I have in my mind are wont to do. Do you feel their pain as they hit the one-year mark and realize that they still haven’t come up with unparalleled comfort and coverage? Can you see them? Weeping and gnashing their teeth? And finally, do you sense their jubilation when they realize they have created a patent-worthy bra? Yeah, me neither. Because, well. Patent-worthy. Bra. I think I’ve already dealt with this.

3. The World’s Most Advanced Bra - So advanced, it could only have come from Victoria’s Secret, no less. But what happens when Frederick’s of Hollywood comes up with the Robot Laser Bra? Huh? WHAT HAPPENS THEN?!?!?

4. IPEX - How did they come up with this name? It immediately makes me think of several things: apex, IMAX, iMac, iTunes, iPod (and the latter three make me wonder if Steve Jobs was in any way associated with the creation of the most revolutionary bra ever).

And then finally, there’s this. Why is it Gisele’s favorite bra? The world has just been dying to know. (I recommend not watching that while drinking beverage, because it is just that unintentionally funny. And as we know, unintentional humor is the most dangerous when combined with the drinking of beverage.)

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