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To my grandmother, one of the most fun things in the world is asking me when I’m getting married. I’ve gotten used to this, and so when it comes from her, I shrug it off flippantly and change the subject. But lately, I’ve noticed that my matrimonial status has become fascinating conversation fodder for other people, too. In fact, over the past two weeks, I’ve been asked several times by various people whether I’m seeing anybody and why I’m not married yet. Because this seems to be such a widespread epidemic, I’ve decided to take care of the problem here. Yes, I believe it’s time to explain myself and my spinsterly nature. As such, I’m proud to bring to you:

An Open Letter to the People Who Want to See Me Happily Settled Down With a Nice Young Man So I Can Start Having Babies

Dear People Who Want to See Me Happily Settled Down With a Nice Young Man So I Can Start Having Babies,

Good day. Some weather we’ve been having, huh? Yeah, I know. It’s almost possible to believe that spring may actually happen this year. It’s a good thing too, because winter is driving me crazier, if that’s even possible.

Anyway, let’s get down to business, shall we? I realize that I am now more than halfway through my twenties, and time being what it is, I’m not getting any younger. I also realize that you are concerned for my well-being, and don’t want me to end up doomed to an existence of depending on the kindness of strangers, if you know what I mean. Or, you know, dying fat and alone, only to be found three weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs. While I understand and appreciate your concerns, let me assure you that I am just fine. I mean, yes, I have started using moisturizer with alpha-hydroxy, and I’ve been finding grey hairs on a more regular basis, but I’d like to assure you that I am actually quite a few years away from being an old maid. Really.

Since you’ve asked, People Who Want to See Me Happily Settled Down With a Nice Young Man So I Can Start Having Babies, I’d like to make it clear that I have no problems with marriage itself. Even though, statistically, it only works out half of the time for the people who take the plunge, I’m sure that being married is very lovely, and I’m not opposed to the idea. But truthfully, I never pictured myself getting married before I was 30 (which is four and a half years away, if anybody’s counting), and I really have too many issues with commitment-phobia to, well, commit myself to something long term.

And then, People Who Want to See Me Happily Settled Down With a Nice Young Man So I Can Start Having Babies, there’s the whole issue of childbearing. Though I’ve been told on several occasions that it’s my duty to procreate because I’ll have such attractive children, and I agree that my hypothetical progeny would most likely be ridiculously cute and would grow up to have incredibly nice, well-cared-for teeth, the idea of having children freaks me out. And that’s just the idea. Imagine how horrifying the real thing would be. I can’t. Well, I can, because I have an overactive and amazingly pessimistic imagination, but the fact remains that, um, GAH!

So, People Who Want to See Me Happily Settled Down With a Nice Young Man So I Can Start Having Babies, it appears that we are at an impasse. Because you want to see me happily settled down with a nice young man so I can start having babies, and I’d be content just to meet someone literate who wasn’t insane and didn’t have some form of substance abuse problem. Yeah, just meeting. Since I’m all about aiming low. What can we do about this impasse, People Who Want to See Me Happily Settled Down With a Nice Young Man So I Can Start Having Babies? Well, being the helpful sort that I am, I have a few suggestions:

1. Stop talking to me about how you’d like to see me happily settled down with a nice young man so I can start having babies, because I don’t care that you’d like to see me happily settled down with a nice young man so I can start having babies, and furthermore, I resent the fact that you can’t seem to get it through your thick heads that I can say, truthfully, that I am in a good place in my life right now and even though I still have bad days like anyone else, I am actually enjoying my current existence and I would kind of like to savor it for awhile instead of rushing out and hooking up with someone just to get you off my case. There.

Actually, that’s the only suggestion I have. And People Who Want to See Me Happily Settled Down With a Nice Young Man So I Can Start Having Babies, I believe that if we can all live within the parameters of that suggestion, we’d all be happier. You know, because I’d be happier, and since you’re apparently so worried about my happiness, my being happy would make you happy, and really, I just want to see you happy. Because I care. And I’ve used the word “happy” so much that it’s stopped making any sense to me. Happy. Happy happy happy happy happy. What a weird word.

In closing, People Who Want to See Me Happily Settled Down With a Nice Young Man So I Can Start Having Babies, thanks for your concern. Check back with me when I’m 30.

Love,
Jamelah

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