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… I thought that I would instead write about how I am resourceful and brilliant because — let’s face it — this is everyone’s favorite subject! So it goes like this:

Over the past few weeks, the weather here in Michigan has been… how do I put this? Ah, yes. Really damn hot. I realize that “really damn hot” is a relative term, and there are places in the world warmer than here. I also realize that I am in none of these places, so, to me, the temperature seems overwhelming and oppressive and, um, really damn hot. The heat, coupled with the 9000% humidity, has made living with my hair, raging communist that it is, quite a bit of fun. I could digress about this for a long time, but I’m just going to move right along.

See, yesterday, the heat broke. This is all very well and good — a welcome change, even — yet, because this is Michigan and weather can’t ever just be normal, the heat had to break so much that it is now at least 20 degrees cooler than it was during the earlier part of the week. This makes it — that’s right — really damn cold. But hey, whatever. I’m used to the cold. I live in Michigan. And anyway, it wasn’t really that bad until the sun went down and it became, oh, January.

Last night, I was in my living room reading the Aeneid (which I am reviewing for LitKicks, provided that I finish it, which I am totally going to do, I swear), and the window was open, and as I worked my way through Virgil’s infernal long-winded-ness, I noticed that something was wrong. Yes. My teeth were chattering. So I curled up under a blanket and read some more. The blanket didn’t really warm me up so much as it warded off any further freezing, just for the record, and this detail is going to be totally important to this pointlessly long story in just a moment. I read for a little while longer, until I finally decided that I couldn’t take anymore and should therefore go to bed.

Now, I’ve written about how my bedroom is Antarctica in the winter because apparently there is a very large (yet completely invisible) hole in the wall which bleeds cold air. (It also bleeds sound. I live in a house. My neighbors live in a house. We are separated by several feet of yard. I totally should not be able to hear them having really loud sex. I digress.) To keep myself from getting hypothermia while I sleep during the winter, I typically have to wear two sweatshirts and three pairs of socks to bed. I still freeze, but it’s not as bad. Since it is July, which is a summer month, and not January, which is a winter month, my room should not have been Antarctica last night. But it was. Oh yes, it was. I decided to ignore my bedroom’s Antarctica-like nature because dammit, it’s summer, and I got into bed sans auxiliary sweatshirts and socks.

After about an hour of bending myself in odd positions in order to try to warm my ice-cold toes against a part of my body that was slightly less frosty, I realized that I was going to have to do something to get warmer (for if my feet are the wrong temperature, either too hot or too cold, I do not sleep), and I thought for awhile. Did I dare brave the cold by getting out of bed and running very, very quickly to my sock drawer? Or was I too lazy for that? Furthermore, getting out of bed could be very dangerous. What if I tripped on a shoe in the dark and fell, landing on the floor and ending up so grievously injured that I’d be unable to move, forced to die slowly in the elements? (Yes, I know that problem could be solved by turning on a light, but I’d rather die a slow, painful death than turn a light on in the middle of the night.) I weighed my options. It would be best to stay in bed. Yet how would I get warm? Oh, the dilemma. I thought and thought as the minutes of what could’ve been blissful sleep ticked by, except without actually ticking, because my clock is digital. Hope of being well-rested moved further away. What to do? What to do?

And then suddenly, my resourceful brilliance kicked in. I had a blow dryer, didn’t I? My blow dryer was right next to my bed wasn’t it? I always keep it plugged in, because lord knows you should always have a hair-styling appliance at the ready, right? Exactly. So, yes. I blasted my poor, frozen feet with hot, hot air from my high-powered, professional-quality blow dryer, which has a conveninet bending-and-locking handle and two voltage settings that makes it fantastic for travel — even to Europe! I was saved! Hurrah!

You know, sometimes it’s hard, being such an overwhelming genius, but there are times when it pays off. And that, my friends, makes it all worthwhile.

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