Aug 31 2005
dear victoria’s secret, thank you for everything. love, jamelah
Despite the fact that my hair has been doing this really awesome Rita Hayworth-type thing since I got up this morning, today was not turning out well. I said to Caryn at least twice that I was either going to have to go into hiding to get all the icky people away from me or I was going to have to go on a killing spree (this is a paraphrase). But then I checked the mail, and noticed that I had the brand new Victoria’s Secret catalog, complete with my annual birthday coupon that I can never redeem because I cut up my VS credit card as soon as I received it because store credit cards are the devil.
Anyway, I love the Victoria’s Secret catalog because it is always highly entertaining, and I like to talk back to it while I flip through its pages. Without fail, I say “Yeah, right” “You must be kidding” and “That is the most horrifying thing I have ever seen” while browsing its contents. But each catalog is its own experience, too, so I thought that I would share with you some of the observations I made while perusing the Victoria’s Secret Fall Casual 2005 catalog.
1. Do you IPEX?
No. No I do not. I don’t care what anybody says, I still think it’s all ridiculous. One person once described the IPEX to me like so “It’s like sending your boobs on vacation” and that wasn’t really a selling point for me. Because if my boobs get to go on vacation, they’d better take the rest of me along with them. Bitches.
2. R U WORTH MY SECRET?
So ask the gold studs on a green t-shirt pictured on page 58. My only reply when seeing it was, “He never is, dear.”
3. UGG
Make it stop.
4. JLOTM by Jennifer Lopez
The catalog tells me that these pieces are part street, part chic, but let’s not forget that they are all trashy whore.
5. Introducing VS UpliftTM
What? “3 of your favorite fits, now with a revolutionary advancement in jean technology that does for your rear what push-up bras do for your bust: lifts, firms & shapes.” (Emphasis added.) A REVOLUTIONARY ADVANCEMENT IN JEAN TECHNOLOGY? Is it just me, or is Victoria’s Secret insane? There’s such a thing as jean technology? Do you have to go to engineering school to design jeans? Really? I don’t get it. Fortunately, they have included some bullet points on the catalog page, and I would like to discuss them with you now. Okay.
- Built-in back panel lifts from the inside, yet is completely invisible from the outside — This sounds so horrifying that words fail me.
- Carefully engineered seams contour and shape — What they forget to add is that if you are at all larger than the model in the picture, these carefully engineered seams will just give you a raging case of camel toe.
- Revolutionary knit fabric gently firms your silhouette — So Victoria’s Secret is now selling girdles masquerading as jeans. And as we all know, girdles are DEAD SEXY. I just can’t wait for the day they introduce their ultra-hot line of granny panties, and I know you can’t either.
Who feels enlightened? Me too. Me too.
[…] VS Uplift Jean I love it when I already have these things taken care of! […]
[…] 1. L.A. face with an Oakland booty Last week, during my all-important blog-perusal time, I read an item in Broadsheet about an item called the Caboost. Uh huh. Caboost. What is it? Well, it’s the revolutionary push-up panty! Obviously! Did I just write “push-up panty”? Yes. I did. I’m not sure if this is like the previously-discussed VS Uplift Jeans, or if it’s not, but either way, wha-huh? As far as I can tell from reading the not-very-informative website, this revolutionary push-up panty makes booty happen where there was no booty before. Now, push-up bras I understand, but push-up panties? Really? Since when — outside of the brilliant work of Sir Mix-A-Lot, that is — has booty been such a hot commodity that assless women have been dying to fake it? I’m honestly curious. Because not once in my entire life have I ever thought “Dammit, I wish my butt were bigger.” Nope. Not a single time. And also? Call me crazy, but why would you buy something as horrible-sounding as a push-up panty when the same results could be achieved through dedicated consumption of cheese fries? Honestly, I think cheese fries have to be much more enjoyable, and, unless you do weird things with them that I never ever want to hear about, aren’t direct agents of the dreaded camel toe. I’m just saying. […]
do the VS uplift jeans really make your butt look bigger?
I lost a lot of weight, therefore lost my butt that my guy loved, I bought the VS uplift jean and it made it flatter, in the interim of waiting for it to come in the mail I was at old navy and picked up their new sweetheart denim in the dark wash and my butt it back. I’m returning my VS Uplifts and heading back to Old Navy for another pair of sweethearts besides they are half the price!