Nov 21 2005
frequently asked questions
Because there are things about me that you, the people, ask in a frequent manner (”frequent” being a relative term), and I thought that instead of answering these things individually (since I’m not big on answering things, especially if they come in e-mail form), I would create this FAQ, so I could just refer you, the people, to it. You know, because I’m big on convenience. So, without further ado, I present to you The Jamelah FAQ:
Is your name really Jamelah?
Yes.
How do you pronounce that, anyway?
That? It rhymes with hat. I assume, however, that you are referring to my name, and it rhymes with tequila, not Pamela. Get it right.
Is your name Arabic?
No, my name is Jamelah. Jamelah is Arabic, however. It means beautiful, which is nice and all, but the real reason it’s my name is because I’m a girl and my mother wanted to name me after her brother James.
Do you have any nicknames?
Oh, do I ever. The most commonly accepted one is Jam. Next up would be Jammy, which I don’t like so much, but I’m willing to answer to it. A few people call me Jammy Jo, because apparently they enjoy watching me cringe. I even have a friend who calls me Jamboreelah, but he’s the only person in the world who can get away with that, so don’t try it. Also, if you knew me in high school and are thinking of that one nickname that starts with the letter G — I’m over that phase in my life now, so please, please don’t resurrect it.
Wait, you’re not Jamelah Asmar?
No. I’m also not British. On both counts, you have my apologies.
How are you the mayor of Kentucky?
How am I not the mayor of Kentucky? It started like this and then snowballed from there.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Too many things to go into here, really, but I think it all boils down to the squinting.
What do you do for a living?
Nothing really glamorous, unless, of course, maintaining spreadsheets and databases qualify as glamorous, that is. And if so, then I’m, like, the Paris Hilton of the nonprofit world.
You live in New York, right?
No, but I’ve been there a few times.
Then where do you live?
My house, which is located in the vast, frozen Midwestern tundra.
How do I get my novel/short story/poetry published?
I don’t know, but if I were to venture a guess, I would say that your first step would be to talk to someone who could actually help you, instead of talking to me.
Why don’t you answer my e-mail?
Because I don’t answer anyone’s e-mail. Except for sometimes, when I’m feeling saucy. Or something.
Where did you get your earrings?
I made them. Want some?
When are you getting married?
Listen, Grandma, we’ve been over this. I can’t get married anytime soon, because if I did, you and I wouldn’t have anything to talk about at Christmas.
I have an internet crush on you. What is the best way to get you to notice me?
Weird, vaguely insulting e-mail is always good. While it certainly won’t get you the results you’re looking for, it’ll give me plenty of things to forward to my friends with one-word comments such as “oy”, or “buh?” or “hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” which is really, really fun. Choosing another route is fine too, but please bear in mind that my plastic robot heart cannot love.
I think you are stupid and mean and everything on your website is dumb. What is the best way to tell you this?
Instead of telling me, you should tell your friends. Barring that, however, an e-mail will suffice.
You’re not funny.
And you obviously don’t understand interrogative sentences. Nobody’s perfect.
I am mad about something that happened on LitKicks. Is it okay to bitch at you about it?
While there are few things I love in life more than bitching as it relates to the Literary Kicks website, the short answer is no. For the record, the long answer is also no.
Hey baby, what’s your sign?
Danger High Voltage.
Are you being sarcastic?
No, I’m never sarcastic.
