Feb 16 2006
everything you were ever looking for
All day today I’ve been feeling as though my head might explode, which has nothing to do with an actual headache, but everything to do with people who are annoying and/or patronizing and need to shut up. But then I looked out of my window and noticed two cats across the street getting it on, and let me tell you, there’s nothing like witnessing some hot feline action to, uh, still make you feel like your head might explode. Take it from me.
Anyway, I decided that what I needed to do was laugh and be freaked out by my site stats, and to shake it up a little bit, I thought I would look at the search terms people typed to get here kind of like questions that need answering. Because there are people out there on the internet seeking these things and they came to me, like I am the oracle at Delphi, only not. So, here goes:
jamelah
Let me just get this out of the way right now. I know that at least 99.98% of the people who type “jamelah” into a search engine are not looking for me. No, they’re looking for the other Jamelah, whose internet presence involves way more nudity and way less reading of words with more than one syllable.
jamelah naked
Here’s further proof of what I was writing about just a moment ago. I’m pretty sure that people aren’t really looking for pictures of me naked, because, well, it’s time I came out and told you my secret. I’m never naked. It’s true. I was born fully-clothed, and in place of skin, I have functional, yet stylish separates. You may feel sorry for me, but it’s okay, really, because it makes showering and laundry a marvel of multitasking.
jewelry made from testicles
What kind of testicles? Human testicles? Sheep testicles? The testicles of that cat who was doing that other cat across the street? I think it would make a difference, because of the sizing, and the measurements of the testicles would change the jewelry designs because if they’re bigger then you can use less of them. Honestly, this is one of those times when I don’t even want to know what the person was thinking as he or she typed these words into Google, but I have this sad theory that it had something to do with a Valentine’s Day present, because really, nothing says “I love you” more than a necklace made out of balls.
cry me a river analysis and cry me a river interpretation justin
Oh snap! Got you covered!
how to look sexy in gaucho pants
Beats me. I think it’s impossible, because you know, you can’t look hot in culottes.
song at end of monster ballads commercial “take me”
I’m sad that I even know the answer to this, but it’s that Scorpions song called “Wind of Change”. You’re welcome.
things to write about in blogs
Uh, there are all kinds of things, but I suggest topics like Dr. Phil, underpants, and waxing.
direction of using tampax pearl
Well, the use of Tampax Pearl is directed toward staunching the flow, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. However, if you’re looking for directions for using Tampax Pearl, well, the nice tampon manufacturers put instructions right in the box! I think they’re illustrated and everything, but it’s been a long time since I read tampon instructions, because I pretty much had it all figured out when I was 12. Basically, all you need to know is where your vagina is, and if you don’t know that, well, I can’t help you.
VS Uplift Jean
I love it when I already have these things taken care of!
quasi relationship and quasi-relationship and quasi relationship?
This could be a post all by itself, because I’m something of an expert in the ways of the quasi-relationship, seeing as how I seem to end up in them all the damn time even though they’re always bad. You know you’re in a quasi-relationship when the answer to the question “are things just too weird?” is a resounding yes. Things aren’t weird when there’s nothing going on, and though when both people are pretty much on the same page, there may still be a form of weirdness, but it’s different than the too-weirdness that only happens when things are stuck in that awkward bad-yet-exhilirating-are-we-no-yes-I-don’t-know phase of things. If things advance beyond this phase, then it becomes an actual relationship, and if they don’t, then they remain awkward forever, which you figure out when you see each other two years later thinking that by this point you’ll be able to just be friends and then you realize in the morning that no, no you couldn’t. Potentially, things could also disintegrate into nothing, but that’s just because you mutually (or not) decided it was best not to talk to each other anymore. Hope that clears it up for you.
INTERESTING THINGS TO SAY ON YOUR VOICEMAIL
Well, there’s always “we should just stop”. Trust me. It’s a winner.
And there you go. I’m glad I could help.
I almost choked when I read “necklace made out of balls.”
You’re a never-nude! You and Tobias Fünke and that guy from Scrubs.
Also, your justification is awesome, because you have this hypenated “bad-yet-exhilirating-etc.” word and that causes the line “stuck in that” to space out excruciatingly slowly, as though we were really stuck in something.
On my screen anyway.
Ten srahpoints for you!*
*Srahpoints have no monetary value. Not valid with other offers. Srahpoints may not be redeemed for cheeseburgers or anything of any value whatsoever. Not valid in Alaska, Hawaii, Guam, Fiji or Planet Earth.
How did I not know that there was a post analyzing Justin Timberlake’s masterpiece “Cry Me A River”? Jamelah, that truly IS everything I was ever looking for. Awesome.
Heh, I thought the same thing as Srah…you’re a Never Nude! There’s a website for people like you:
http://www.never-nude.com/
you are a great fount of things that can be found. but i had to look on ebay for everything i was searching for:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5668061217&rd=1&sspagename=STRK%3AMEBI%3AIT&rd=1
hummm, ‘funky’ is my word for the day…i am feeling all funkified.
i guess everything can be found if it wants to be or sumpin’…
Wow, I’m impressed. No-one ever came to my site searching on “waterhot naked”. Not even “waterhot half-undressed” (which to my mind is the clothing equivalent of “half-full”, you know, in the old “how do you see the glass ?” question; though come to think of it, anyone who had seen me half-undressed might disagree).
Nice new banner, by the way (even if I’m still wistfully nostalgic for the one you had about a year ago). Who’s the girl with the moustache ?
srah — Yes, exactly like Tobias Fünke. Heh. Are Srahpoints valid on Mars?
Fraulein N — Well, I write about the important things that matter.
Kevin — Hahah…nice.
alicia — Sweet. Now I know that if I’m ever hard up for cash, I could sell my soul on eBay. I’ll have to keep that in mind.
SooZen — Yeah, something like that, I think.
Waterhot — I’m pretty sure that they’re not actually looking for me, rather, they’re seeking this Page 3 girl who has the same first name as I do. As for the banner, all of the girls are me at different ages doing different crazy things. The mustache is actually a balloon I stuck to my face for the purpose of looking like Yosemite Sam. Why? I don’t know. I guess it’s just proof that I’ve always been this way.
Hi Lucy! Photo I received! Thanks!