May 22 2006
ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit!
So, I was just checking the ol’ e-mail, and noticed a message with the subject line that now makes up the title of this post. My first reaction was to laugh (right out loud, no less), because I am both twisted and not a fan of cats, and then I thought of the famous urban legend about the exploding pet, and then I thought “Microwaving cats for fun AND profit?!? Where do I sign up?” So naturally, I clicked on the message to find out more about what could’ve potentially become my second job. It was then that I discovered that the e-mail was just about generic Viagra. Sigh. I have no idea what boners have to do with microwaving cats, though I tried venturing a guess and my brain told me to stop it. Seriously, don’t try thinking about it. You’ll have an aneurysm.
Now, I don’t typically read Viagra spam, because, well, really, but this one seems pretty quality. Let’s examine it, shall we? Okay, let’s!
Section 1: The Interview
1. Would you like to have an unbelievable sex during all the night?
An unbelievable sex? An unbelievable sex? What does that even mean? Does it have anything to do with Pat?
2. Wanna be the first in her list?
I guess. Well, wait. Who’s she?
3. Are you dreaming about her friends beating your time?
I honestly don’t quite know what this means. I mean, I kind of do, but I don’t want to talk about it. What I do want to talk about is the fact that it says “beating” in Viagra spam. Heee! I’m 12.
4. Wanna her making all your dreams come true in the bed?
Nevermind in the shower or on the dining room table, I suppose. But honestly? There are so many problems with this that I don’t quite know where to start. I’m overwhelmed. Wanna her making all your dreams come true (excuse me, true) in the bed? I dunno. I mean, is this the one where I’m lost in the library and there’s a unicorn who tells me I have to stop the monster from killing all the bunnies? Because that one kind of freaked me out.
5. Would you like to hear from the babes ‘he was the best man in my life’?
Personally, no. Because that would mean that the babes would be confused about the fact that I am not a guy. But if I were a guy, I’m pretty sure that I would think it was weird to have the babes refer to me in the third person while they were telling me I was the best man in their respective lives. I guess. Maybe if I were a guy, I would think that was totally hot.
Section 2: The Age-Old Debate
Keep in mind - your hypersexuality doesn’t depend n the size of your penis, it depends on ability to keep its hard-on up to several hours! And that’s the way to deliver the best orgasm to her!
Um, okay. So once again, size vs. stamina comes into play. I’m not going to reopen the debate, because it’s already been effectively argued at the other end of those links I so helpfully provided, but I am going to have to beg to differ with the spammer here, because really? An hours-long erection is the way to deliver the best orgasm to her? What? Does it work for Fed-Ex? Is she supposed to sign for it and be careful with the bubble wrap?
Section 3: Product Placement
Generic Viagra - the new generation pills! All pills are certificated and anyone can take them, nevertheless is he 18 or 80 years old!
Certificated? CERTIFICATED? Who wrote this? George W. Bush?
Part 4: Closing the Deal
We directly collaborate with the vendors and this does let us reduce the price up to 70%!
Nothing better than a cheap boner that lasts for hours, I suppose.
Attention! We deliver them worldwide, 100% anonymous delivery!
Well, that’s a relief. Not only can you get this generic Viagra delivered anywhere, even to the darkest corner of the globe, nobody has to know what you ordered! That way, your neighbors will just think you ordered another blow-up doll.
In closing, I would just like to say that I got this spam not once, but twice! That’s right. Multiples. I’d like to think it was a sign that told me I had to write about this. But then, how could I not?
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit!
I’d say you’ve surpassed yourself - but then I read those size v. stamina posts from way back when and - hey, I realised with awe (and I mean AWE) that you’ve always been this good.
Plus you were, ahem… right. Way back then, I mean.
These comments are all anonymous, right ?
Mock away, Jamelah. They are certificated! Did you not catch that part? And anyone can take them, “nevertheless is he 18 or 80 years old!” Okay, so I don’t really know what that part means, and question #4 makes me think of nothing so much as that Hall and Oates song, but still! Certificated! Clearly trustworthy!
“Nothing better than a cheap boner that lasts for hours…”
Wordwide Boners, Unlimited.
well….
Waterhot — Sure they’re anonymous. Well, except to me, but I don’t really count.
Fraulein N — Yes, certificated! Such a relief!
Caryn — Heh. The good ol’ WBU.
As for you, “it’s not funny”, okay, thanks for taking the time to point that out, because that was entirely necessary. You want me to forward you that e-mail…?
So I stumbled across your site when I “googled” the phrase “nevertheless is he”. I was curious to see if perhaps it was some archaic, yet grammatically correct, use of the English language. I looked up “certificated” and it is an actual word that is appropriate in this context. Don’t I feel dumb.
Did yours have a rather long snippet from Anna Karenina at the end?
Anyway, thank you for the lovely breakdown of this delightful spam. I was looking to compose my own analysis, but, with your permission, I think I will just refer my readers here.
Oh and mine had this as a subject: “I think I just puked on my cat.”
NinjaJen — Hi. Yes, it did have a passage from Anna Karenina at the end, which I also thought was pretty funny. I recently got it again (twice — this one seems to travel in pairs) with the subject line “Earth first, then the other planets!” so whoever it is at least can come up with attention-grabbing subject lines. Also, sure… if you want to direct readers here, I have no inclination to stop you.