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Since some dude decided it was a really great idea to stand out in the street and yell such charming and non-redundant things as “FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKING MOTHERFUCKERS! FUCK! YOU!” starting at about 6:45 a.m. Eastern Standard Time, and he happened to be right outside of my bedroom window (I’ve decided not to take it personally), I am up. I’m starting to think that getting up was the wrong idea, but it’s too late now, because here I am. Just out of curiosity, what would possess a person to run out into the street, shirtless — but wearing a hat — to yell obscenity and repeatedly kick a tree? (No, he was really kicking a tree. That’s not some kind of euphemism.) I sort of wanted to ask him what his deal was, but I doubted that we’d have been able to have a productive conversation.

Yeah. Anyway, since I’m up, and I don’t have anything better to do at this time of day, I figured I’d write something. And due to my pleasant awakening, I thought I’d write about profanity. You know, because hey, why not?

So. I know there are a lot of people in the world who are offended by so-called bad words (in fact I know several of them personally), but I am not one of them. Once I got over the idea that some words are inherently worse than other words, I came to believe that words are just words, and the people who use them are the real problem. This is not to say that I don’t try to watch my mouth around the easily-offended, because I believe that even though I can offend people, it doesn’t mean I should. Except for sometimes, of course, but in general, no. I think I’ve mentioned somewhere before that I seem to have driving-induced Tourette’s, which basically means that when I am behind the wheel of a car, everyone else is an idiot asshole, and when it comes to talking like a polite young woman, all bets are off, bitches. And it doesn’t bother me that my current favorite word in the English language is “motherfucker” (and variations thereof), which I probably say too much, but I can’t help it because it’s so very satisfying.

I do believe that people can swear too much, and then it tends to lose all meaning. I once worked with a guy who was seemingly incapable of saying anything without inserting the word “fuck” every few words. So, for example, on Monday mornings, our exchanges would go like this:

Me: Hey, how was your weekend?
Him: Fuuuuuuuuuck. I fuckin’ went to my fuckin’ brother’s house, and fuck, man, it was fuckin’ crazy, right? Because this fuckin’ dude was all fuck fuck fuckin’ fuckity fuck fuck and I looked at my girlfriend and she was all “Fuck” and I was all “Fuck” and so we said “Fuck it” and left. Yeah. Fuck that shit, you know?
Me: (with no idea what he actually said) Yeah. I’m glad we had this talk.

Exactly.

On the other hand, I think people can go too far in trying to be virtuous. A few years ago, a woman I know was on a crusade to get people to stop using the word “sucks” as in, “that sucks, dude” because she thought it was vile to say something sucks. You know what that sucking is all about, don’t you? That’s right. The oral sex. So instead of saying “that sucks” we were to use “that vacuums” instead. Before I move on with this paragraph, just take a minute to think about that. That. Vacuums. Are you done thinking about it? No? Take another minute. It’s okay, I have all day.

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Right. So, the first time I heard about this proposed linguistic shift, I believe my reaction was something along the lines of, “What? Um, what?” because seriously. Can’t we all agree that saying something sucks has nothing to do with, you know, the oral sex? I mean, really.

1: What’s the matter?
2: I have a Nickelback song stuck in my head.
1: Oh. (Pause.) That sucks, dude.

Wouldn’t you say that’s a common usage? Yes, I know. Nickelback really does suck. But let’s not get hung up on that, because where, exactly, is the oral sex happening in the above exchange? I mean, we can’t say for sure what 1 and 2 are doing, so there’s that, but otherwise, to make the claim that the word sucks = the oral sex, you’d have to argue convincingly that what Hypothetical Person 1 is saying to Hypothetical Person 2 is “Verily I say unto you that having a Nickelback song stuck in your head doth perform mightily unsatisfactory oral sex upon your senses.” (Well really, like having a Nickelback song stuck in your head would be like good oral sex? I don’t think so.)

Yeah.

I think that’s a tough case to make, anyway, because as I’m sure we can all agree, the word “sucks” has become so embedded in our lexicon (I said “embedded” heh heh) that within context, it doesn’t have any meaning other than something, well, sucks. Am I wrong? Of course not. Impossible. Anyway, I would further argue that by drawing such attention to the supposed unsavory meaning by refusing to let someone say it without reminding them that they should be using “vacuums” in its stead, the certainly unintended consequence of this woman’s crusade to de-suck the English language was that people were even more conscious of the pejorative connotation of the word.

Oh irony, sometimes I want to take you out under the bleachers and make out with you.

Anyway, in closing, I just want to say that words are not bad, but sometimes intentions are, and I’m pretty sure this whole theory has been adequately covered by George Carlin so I don’t need to go there.  But I want you to know that you can trust me when I tell you that I mean what I’m going to write next in the kindest, most loving way possible:

Have a nice day, you sleazy bitches!

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