Mar 27 2007
things i learned from this month’s cosmo
I’ve never subscribed to Cosmopolitan, but I like to buy issues once in awhile, because I always learn something. Usually it’s something I totally don’t want or need to know, but I learn something all the same. The last time I went out with Stacy, we stopped in a grocery store for some reason, and I picked up an issue of Cosmo which I read aloud while she drove. Of course I had to pick “101 Tips to Something Something Blah Blah In Bed. Rawr.” to read, because really, what else would I pick? And as I read, Stacy would yell things like, “Ew! Cosmo is such a whore!” Ah, I miss that girl. So, since I think I may be turning this into a regular feature, I’d like to dedicate the inaugural “Things I Learned from This Month’s Cosmo” to Stacy, because I’m sure this is the sort of thing that would make her proud. Wherever you are, Muffin, I want you to know that Cosmo is still such a whore.
So anyway now, without further ado, here are the things I learned from this month’s Cosmo:
Beauty:
– This is actually a really good tip. If you rub your eyes a lot, you are more likely to damage the delicate skin. The damage manifests itself as lines and dark circles. So, if you were looking for a reason to wear mascara, here it is. Because you know you’re less likely to rub your eyes if you’re wearing makeup. (Unless you’re me, in which case you just go ahead and rub your eyes and then mutter “Oh crap!”)
– Using red Jell-o powder on your lips underneath gloss is apparently a great way to get long-lasting lip color. Neat. Except I hate Jell-o.
– Not something I learned, but a question: do women really wax their arm hair?
– Making a lot of facial expressions will give you wrinkles, so I guess it’s best to be completely expressionless. You know, as practice for when you start using Botox.
Why Anyone Actually Reads Cosmo, or Love & Sex:
– Want to blow his mind? Role-playing games. Yes, break out that 12-sided die right now. That’s what they mean, right? Right?
– From 99 Sex Facts No One’s Ever Told You: “Approximately 100 to 150 calories are burned during intercourse.” I have nothing to say about that, but I thought I should mention it. Other facts from the same article:
- Orgasms can make you sleepy.
- The average speed of ejaculation is 28 mph. (Hmmm… I guess this means it could get a speeding ticket in a residential area. Oh God. Please tell my brain to just stop it.)
- Greeks and Croatians get more than other nationalities, on average
– And then there’s the article called “Explaining the Male Mind” which irritates me to no end, because I tend to get testy about essentialism. Just because I have a vagina, it doesn’t mean that I am inherently more sensitive, generous, kind, or observant. I’m not more likely to cry at movies or fawn over babies or give a shit because you’re having a bad day. A photo caption that accompanies the article says “Men have just one thing on their minds: what they’re doing at that second.” You know, they also say the same thing about dogs. Meh.
– Instead of sending over a drink, pick up a guy by sending over some French fries.
Fashion:
– “Layer a sexy bustier over a skintight tee and a breezy slip dress.” Yes, I’ll get right on that. When I’m not wearing the feathered top over the pink metallic skirt.
– Sexy hairstyles for spring: waves, bangs, buns and side-swept hair. Oh my! Other than the waves, all of these hairstyles make me look ridiculous. Especially the bangs. I look like an idiot with bangs.
Health:
– Getting the clap: what a bummer.
– Yeah that was pretty much the only thing I took away from this.
Quiz:
– Do guys think I’m difficult to date? Apparently not. I guess I am a sexy challenge. Go me.
you had me at 12-sided die …
This heartily blessed column will be much like downloading music. It’ll either eat away at Cosmo’s sales (why buy, i’ve had jam’s read),
or
force us to buy to look at the photos. 28 mph (what does that look like? and how do they know? are there credits?)
i say thanks. i don’t even know if they sell Cosmo here except in the main bookstore chain. But i’ll probably remember to look next time i hit the big city.
That 12-sided die got a LOL(r) from me … as in Laughing Out Loud (really).
I hope you DO make this a monthly thing.. I can’t believe I haven’t seen anyone do this before, with all the ridiculousness in Cosmo to learn from!
Do guys think I’m difficult to date? Apparently not. I guess I am a sexy challenge.
Yeah, but what’s your THAC0?
Once I bought cosmo in the airport when flying to see my grandma. Later I saw her reading it in the living room, but I just figured “Eh, what the hell. hope she enjoys it.”
That night she left me a new rosary and a new bible on my pillow. Do you think she was hinting that she’d like a subscription?
Have they measured the speed both for, um, solo and with a partner? Second question, how would they measure the latter? How do you get the radar gun up in there?
“Layer a sexy bustier over a skintight tee and a breezy slip dress.” Um. That’s … um, a lot of layers. Seriously, that’s a lot of shit going on for one outfit. I think I’d look like a jackass in that, personally. So the slip dress goes on first? I guess? And then comes the skintight tee, ’cause that’s ALWAYS a good look, and then a sexy bustier; I’ve got lots of those. Try not to sweat! I’m pretty sure Cosmo still doesn’t consider that sexy.
I’ve got to go find a Greek or Croatian to go role-play with my 12-sided die. It is boyfriend season, after all!
I wonder if the Greeks and Croatians can break 30 mph. You know, since they’ve got all the practice.
Perhaps with a running start?
Caryn — Heee.
Judih — Well, they don’t have photos of the 28 mph ejaculation, which I think I am glad about, but anyway yeah, Cosmo is always highly entertaining and educational!
farlane — Yay!
Anjum — Hi! I’m sure I will go ahead and do this monthly, because I am all for expanding my mind by learning the important things that Cosmo has to teach me.
Linus — “Yeah, but what’s your THAC0?” Heh. Is that like “Hey baby what’s your sign?” in g33k?
Meg — Yes. And I think you should get her one.
srah — They didn’t say. I’m sure it was all very scientific, however. It probably involved cops.
Fraulein — I think the t-shirt goes under the slipdress which goes under the bustier? I don’t know… I couldn’t quite figure out the t-shirt/slipdress layer order because of the bustier. Either way, yeah. It’s ridiculous.
tiff — That’s right! Get busy!
Lesley — OMG. You’re killing me.
Linus — Could be, could very well be.