jamelah.net

I was going to write an introduction for this month’s feature on the wonderfully educational magazine we call Cosmopolitan, but after this little IM exchange with Caryn, I realize I don’t have to. So:

Jamelah: like the only thing i really learned is how to fake an orgasm
Caryn: like you didn’t know already
Jamelah: hahahah
Jamelah: well
Jamelah: you can always use tips
Jamelah: or something
Caryn: heheheh
Caryn: that just sounds dirty in itself
Jamelah: hahahah
Jamelah: i didn’t think about it
Jamelah: but you are right

Yeah. More on that orgasm faking a little later. But first, let’s get some other very important things out of the way.

First of all… there is a typo on page 42. It’s like this:

Do women have sexy thoughts as often as men?
I doubt it, but I think their’s are more detailed. I’ve read enough of Cosmo to know that’s true.

THEIR’S!!! BOO!!! ANEURYSM!!!

Anyway…

Body, Health & Beauty:

– Pregnancy can cause saggy boobs.

– Regardless of breast size, all women have approximately the same number of nerve endings in the, uh, chestal region.

– WOMENS HAS BOOBS! Wait, no. I didn’t learn that in Cosmo.

– On average, a woman emits about one to two teaspoons of discharge a day. Yum.

– Fake baking is bad for your skin. Go figure.

– Wearing a ponytail can weaken your hair if pulled too tightly. It doesn’t say if this is a cumulative effect or a one-shot deal, but I’ll tell you this: when I was a kid, my mom would braid my hair so tight that I could hardly blink, and my hair, raging communist that it is, is strong enough to take over many parts of Eastern Europe, Asia, and Latin America. So whatever.

– Black eyeliner-induced eye boogers are apparently completely normal. Unless excessive, and then, well, not so much. I have no idea what the normal range is for this, however.

– After a bikini wax, sex can cause a rash. Use alcohol-free, aloe-based lotion. Or just fight the power. Or make him wax his pubes, too, because dammit, in the hair-removal arena, being a girl is totally unfair sometimes.

Love, Sex & Relationships:

– Apparently, the new celebrity trend is to keep relationships quiet and out of the public eye. I don’t know why when celebrities do these things, it’s so neat and revolutionary; I’ve been keeping my relationships out of the public eye for years. This is how I can have 5 relationships at once! Well, it is boyfriend season! (I think.) And I’m kidding. Totally…kidding. Because I don’t have relationships. I have these weird things that go in the following pattern: attraction, miscommunication, frustration, anger, disappointment, silence. If I ever become famous, I’m sure this will become trendy.

– 59% of guys say it’s ok to lie if it spares their girlfriends’ feelings. I guess this means that dress really does make you look fat. Hmph.

– Is she really satisfied in bed? Well, let’s find out. (Or, How to Fake an Orgasm in Four Easy Steps)

• If she’s panting, she’s NOT faking it. She’s also not faking if it she flexes her legs, curls her toes, or arches her back. Thus sayeth Cosmo: “If she’s not feelin’ it, she’ll just lie there.” They forgot to add that while she’s lying there, she’s thinking of England.
• If she’s talking nonsense, then it’s for real. But if her in-the-throes-of-ecstacy chatter is, I guess, in complete sentences or something, then she’s faking it.
• If she gets up to do stuff right after, then it wasn’t as good for her as it was for you. So, you know, if she says, “That was awesome. I am so invigorated. I’m gonna go rearrange the kitchen cupboards now.” Then you know, yeah, probably not. But remember — and this is from your crazy Aunt Jamelah and not from your Slutty Aunt Cosmo — it’s totally okay if she gets up to pee, because then she’s just being smart and taking preventive measures against a UTI. Or she hates you. One or the other.
• If afterwards, all she says is something like “Neat-o!” it’s not because you rendered her speechless. Apparently.

– Related fact: “Most women need 10 to 20 minutes to peak during intercourse. Most men need two.”

– To help soothe his fragile ego, make sure you constantly tell him what a stud you think he is. Cosmo suggests the direct approach: “I can’t wait to get you into bed.” No, really.

– But after soothing his fragile ego, make sure to shatter it into millions of tiny little shards by asking “What did people tease you about [when you were] growing up?”

– 10 Sex Cravings All Guys Have:

• He wants a girl who can turn herself on
• He wants sex to be fun (Instead of, say, like getting a root canal?)
• He wants to watch (So do it in front of a mirror)
• He wants you to drop hints
• He wants you to be naughty
• He wants a “Wow, what was that?” experience (Hamsters?)
• He wants to mix things up
• He wants nooky out of nowhere (Like when you’re driving home one night. I am not making that up.)
• He wants to take you, you saucy little minx
• He wants to do nothing sometimes

– There’s also a special section from the editors of Men’s Health called “9 Ways to Be the Perfect Girlfriend” but I am so getting tired of this now. Buy your own Cosmo.

Awesome:

– “9 Times It Pays To Be A Bitch.” Right. Like there are only nine.

Fashion:

– Lace, metallics and bold jewelry are hot right now. But whatever you do, please oh please for the love of all that’s awesome, do not start wearing formal shorts. Just. Don’t. Do. It. Otherwise you’re going to look at pictures of yourself in five years and think “God, why didn’t anybody tell me I looked like such an ass?” Save yourself the shame right now.

Okay, done! Aren’t you glad we had this time together? Me too!

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