jamelah.net

Okay. Here’s the deal. Like many people, I have more than one email address — I think I have 5 — not because I just loooooove email and am so on top of this form of communication, but because I use different addresses for different things. There’s the Hotmail account that is nothing more than a spam catcher that I use when I have to enter an email address for things, a few that I never ever check, one that I used to use daily for work-related stuff, and then my real email. One of these is a Yahoo account that I’ve had since 1997 or so. I use it pretty regularly, it mainly used to be for office stuff, since it’s easy to give to people and easy to remember, yet doesn’t alert anyone to the presence of my website, and I use it for a few other things as well, like if I order stuff from Amazon, for instance. No big deal. But it’s a weird, weird address, because I get all kinds of things there that have nothing to do with me. Like the response to the personals ad I never posted:

Can’t read that? It says:

Dear Jamelah,
How are you ? How’s work / business ? I believe you’re enjoying the best of the day out there. Anyway keep on having the best fun as you desire.

I guess you won’t be too surprised to receive my mail. This is the right person you’ve been anxiously waiting for all this while. I saw your picture, loo and behold, I saw the realities of life written all your face, babe, you’re wonderfuly made and figured.

So, let’s get to know each other, then, you will smile at the end.
I’m waiting to receive you warmly .

Don’t worry, I know all you needs and expectations, I’m full of the magic , I promised to give you that treament that will you to forget your surname, name………..

come on babe, come around, you are in for the sweet experience.

My idea of the perfect first date: my idea of a perfect date is a lovely meal out at a nice restaraunt go to the movies and then have loads of dirty sex

If this is all that you want, then count on me for the best. No disappointment.

Guess what ? Who’s in that picture ? Don’t tell me am fuuning, ok ?
Waiting to receive your mail.

The lucky Ade

And then he attached a picture of Adriana Lima. Because yeah, the Derek Zoolander of female modeling and I? We’re like twins. And that part in bold? That was apparently part of my ad. Now, I have a feeling that someone I know actually signed me up for that one, just because I know people who would do that. I’d also like to let you know that when it comes to weird email I receive, this one, while memorable, isn’t even the worst one. The worst ones? Well, those don’t get printed in public. Even so, pretty entertaining.

Anyway, a little over a year ago, I wrote about the way I discovered that I had children (that has one of my favorite comments ever, by the way), and earlier this week, I learned about another child named Andrea. So now I have three kids: Nate, Shanya and Andrea. Apparently, having children when I am unconscious is a big problem of mine, and I need to stop it. Won’t someone please stage an intervention and get me into baby-factory rehab? I am obviously a wailing, mournful cry for help.

Also, just so that you can continue knowing way more than you should about the essence of my femaleness (or whatever), my period was late this time around and due to the fact that I keep having children I don’t even know about, I had to stop and wonder if maybe I wasn’t on Baby #4 (the name for whom would of course be Jebediah), but as it turns out, I am not pregnant. Or so I think. I mean, as far as I know, I’ve never been pregnant, yet I still have three children, so there’s really no telling. Could be. Guess I’ll find out in a few years when the little ankle biter is old enough to start signing up for accounts on websites.

Anyway, other than the fact that I keep getting pregnant and giving birth without my knowledge, on top of the fact that I am apparently Adriana Lima and I want to have loads of sex (dirty sex!) with people who can’t spell, I am also a 19-year-old Filipino boy named James who keeps signing up for a Friendster account. (Seriously! I’ll get an email with my username and password, so I go in and delete the account, and then about a week later, I get another one. I JUST CAN’T STOP SIGNING UP FOR FRIENDSTER.) Also also my name is Jackie and I have a new iPod, and thank you so much, Apple, for sending me a regular newsletter telling me about all the neat things I can do with iTunes. Also also also I get a lot of email forwards in Arabic from someone in Indonesia. And… yeah, I think that’s it. Other than all the spam in Portuguese. And the fact that I’m on the R. Kelly fan club mailing list (and no, I swear, I didn’t sign up myself).

Boys and girls, my point today, if I must have one, is that I thought I was at a stage in my life where I was pretty much getting things figured out, but as it happens, no, not so much. Because, as the title of this post tells you, I don’t even know who I am anymore. Am I an Adriana Lima clone? A mother of three? A teenage Filipino Friendster fan? Jackie iPod? All of the above? (I know it seems impossible to be all of the above, but I’m not ruling anything out at this point.) Do I sign up for things and have babies and turn Filipino and buy iPods in the middle of the night when I think I’m sleeping?

I’m so confused! My world is shattering! Hold me.

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