Jul 17 2007
things i learned from this month’s cosmo
Last month, I was so overwhelmed with Arabic Camp that I forgot to learn things from Cosmo! But this month, I am not going to let a little language study (or a lot of language study, as the case may be) stand in the way of me performing my civic duty of reporting on the content of the finest magazine publication known to humankind. So I was in the store and I bought THE HOT ISSUE, despite the fact that reading the blurbs on the cover made me totally not want to buy THE HOT ISSUE. I have since read THE HOT ISSUE cover to cover, and my findings are below. Huzzah.
Feel More Pleasure Every Day
Do not let that headline fool you: this article is about the menstrual cycle, which, you know, is a thrill a minute. Unless you’re on the Pill, in which case, you have less fun because your hormones are less psychotic don’t fluctuate as much. Whee!
– Days 1 through 5: Um, so your cycle starts the day your period starts. Who knew? Ahem. Basically, your hormones are on the upswing, but you have cramps and are bloated so I’m not really sure that it matters so much that you’re not at the PMS hormonal low-point. I think these things cancel each other out. In fact, I think cramps cancel out everything other than the need to tell people “Hey, leave me the fuck alone. I have cramps. AND I WILL STAB YOU.” Um, what? No, I won’t actually stab you. Maybe. Uh, anyway, the period is the time of the month when — I suppose if you’re not feeling stabby — you feel most lovey-dovey (I have never noticed this). It’s also, and I quote, “prime time” to get! it! on! because orgasms are good for cramps. And, uh, it’s also also a good time to get a pedicure or something. So there you go.
– Days 6 through 13: Preovulation. Hormones are way up and, just like during period week, this is also the best time to get! it! on! “Hope you have a sturdy bed — and deep-sleeping neighbors — because [the sex] could be earth-shattering.” And that’s all I have to say about that.
– Days 14 through 17: Ovulation. Your body is all “Hey, let’s get knocked up!” so all you want to do is — I’ll give you three seconds to guess — get! it! on! Problematically, the aforementioned getting on of it is most likely to actually get you knocked up during those days, which is bad news, unless you’re into that sort of thing.
– Days 18 through 23: Pre-PMS. You’re either sluggish or peaceful, depending, I guess, on whether or not you’re lucky.
– Days 24 through 28: PMS. Moody, overemotional and eating entire pints of Ben & Jerry’s while watching film adaptations of Jane Austen novels. Or maybe that’s just me. Some people go crazier than others during PMS, and I seem to go craziest of all, I think. Last time, I cried because my dog was cute. And then I ate a Klondike bar. Then I cried because I broke a pencil lead. Then I ate some Girl Scout cookies. Then I was really bitchy for awhile (shut up, I said awhile). Then my period started and it was over. The end!
Make Sex More Erotic
“…there’s a way to resuscitate that bedroom rush, and it comes down to just three little words: shaky-bridge sex.” Cosmo does not suggest having sex on an actual shaky bridge, which I find a little bit disappointing, but whatever. Apparently true erotic intimacy comes from a mixture of emotional closeness and danger. But then their tips aren’t really dangerous, more like every other sex tip I’ve ever read in Cosmo. Like, they say to switch locations (and be dangerous!) by having sex… (cue scary music) in the shower. So I say nevermind them, listen to me. Go ahead, have sex on a real shaky bridge! In public! In the daytime! Or hey, have sex while getting mugged! Live it up!
I should be getting paid for this.
How to Be Truly Unforgettable in Bed
Cosmo “polled more than 1,000 red-blooded guys,” which is a relief because I hate when they poll guys whose blood is a different color. What are the six skills of a sex goddess? Read on. Read on.
1. “She knows how to build anticipation.”
Note from Cosmo: Men dig it when women tease them.
Note from Jamelah: So there you go. Be a tease.
2. “She makes sex fun.”
Note from Cosmo: “Sack sessions can be soulful, intense, and deep. But c’mon, not every moment has to be the sexual equivalent of a John Mayer song.”
Note from Jamelah: Shawoo. I really hate John Mayer songs.
3. “She’s really, really enthusiastic.”
Note from Cosmo: Jump his bones!
Note from Jamelah: Whee!
4. “She’s not body shy.”
Note from Cosmo: “It’s all about your mind-set, not your measurements.” Also they quote someone who wrote a book called Sex on the Brain.
Note from Jamelah: I wonder if sex on the brain is more or less dangerous than shaky-bridge sex.
5. “She tells me exactly what she wants.”
Note from Cosmo: Don’t point out flaws or you’ll make him feel insecure, but also remember that guys are dumb so you have to be clear and direct. In fact, be like a coach! Guys love sports!
Note from Jamelah: That’s so hot. Way to go, slugger!
6. “She has a signature move.”
Note from Cosmo: “Just as a signature fashion style will make you stand out in a crowd, a signature sex move will propel you to the forefront of a man’s booty memory bank.”
Note from Jamelah: Booty. Memory. Bank. Don’t take this the wrong way, Cosmo, but I totally want to bitchslap you right now.
Wild Sex Questions
This month’s issue features a series of questions that Cosmo received from readers. It doesn’t answer these questions, it just prints them out, presumably so we can laugh at the people who asked them. Whee! My favorite? “When you want to spice things up and have little toys to play with, what should you do if you accidentally break the toy while it’s inside of you? For example, a carrot…”
Random Extras
– I totally hate Dane Cook. He’s not funny. Why is he in movies now? Why is he in Cosmo? Meh. Hold me.
– Um, yeah. To make antiperspirant more powerful, follow these four steps:
1. Put it on at night. “It’s absorbed better in the p.m. First blast the area (whether underarms or feet Jamelah note: feet?!?) with a hair dryer on cool to zap excess moisture.”
2. COVER YOUR SKIN WITH PLASTIC WRAP. “This locks the antiperspirant into sweat ducts so it’ll work better the next day.” Jamelah note: Seriously? “Sorry, can’t go out. My pits are wrapped up in Glad Cling Wrap.”
3. Put on more in the morning.
4. Repeat for one week and you’ll be less sweaty.
– In an article with 50 ways to have a closer relationship or something, #38 was to get up early and go somewhere to watch the sunrise. I can guarantee this is never happening.
– The Cosmo List this month provides 13 tips for maximizing sex appeal. One of them is to rock big hair, Brigitte Bardot style, which for me is no problem because seriously, have you even seen my hair? Rocking small hair, on the other hand, is pretty damn impossible. Another one of the tips? “If you’re ever in doubt, ask yourself WWAJD?” (That’s “What Would Angelina Jolie Do?” And the answer of course is to add another one to the menagerie of babies. So I’m not really sure how that’s such a good idea.)
– You know what’s sexy? Hair that looks like it’s been washed. As opposed to having a horrifyingly greasy mess sprouting from your scalp, I suppose.
Cosmo, I am done with you.
The only way Cosmo could redeem itself is if in the next issue, there was an article about actual shaky-bridge sex.
But um, you actually can use deodorant on places other than your armpits. I mean, some people can. I’m just sayin’, is all.
You’re right, you SHOULD be getting paid for this.
hahahahahaha.
that just made my life, because i do read cosmo, and when i saw ‘redblooded’… WTF?
this is fantastic, and i would gladly pay you for this.
you should teach a college course, and cosmo should be your text book. all those little ladies (and maybe one or two guys) at albion (bc of course you will teach this class at albion) would LOVE professor jamelah.
because it totally increases intimacy when you wake up early and then fight about how fucking early you woke up to go watch the sunrise. sunrise! that’s retarded.
i’m really glad you do this dirty work for us, so i don’t ever have to pick up a cosmo.
thank yoooooooooou!
regarding #4: most men HATE fat chicks, they don’t care if you’re confident or not. of course, cosmo….oh fuck it.
I hate Dane Cook too, except in this:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ykzqFz_nHZE
That is the only thing he’s ever done that made me laugh, and he wasn’t the one who made me laugh.
PMS is funny. Sometimes I will be going out of my mind and crying about things like dogs being cute, but once I realize that I have PMS to blame it on, it is such a relief. I am going to blame all of my insane irrational behavior on PMS, no matter what time of the month it is.
Hormones. There’s a conversation from the show Coupling (used to be on BBC) in which Steve says that hormones are a woman’s excuse for everything (sorry I slapped you across the face, dear. Hormones!) and that men should just start using the excuse as well (sorry I gave that other woman my number, dear. Testicles!).
Do you know how many times I have read this post? I love it because: 1) I think Cosmo is Satan’s way of making people dumb 2) I will still pick up Cosmo when in a doctor’s office and look through to see how I can become even MORE sexy than I already am 3) Because I picked up the exact same copy from the empty seat next to me on a business trip and was wondering about many of the same things you mentioned–only not as witty as you.
[…] – If you want to have sex in public but you don’t want to be too public, have sex in your car. I’m sure they neglected to mention that the car should be parked on the street and the radio should be really really loud. Right? (Think of it as shaky bridge sex.) […]