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In case you ever wondered, and I am certain that you have at one time or another, this is what it looks like here at Jamelah World Headquarters while I am doing my research for this feature:

Classy.

Anyway, before I commence with the festivities, I want to say that I have had such a Monday. I had to work (boo!) and I went to get lunch, and I was wearing these shoes, see. And apparently, my feet have gotten about a half a size smaller since I bought them, because as I was walking to the restaurant from my car, they kept falling off my feet. Which is fun in 3+ inch heels. And so I had to walk very carefully. And people kept walking past me. And I couldn’t decide if I was like a little girl playing dress-up in her mom’s shoes or if I looked like a drunk person who was trying very, very hard not to look drunk. Because I was taking very tiny steps, but the shoes kept sliding off, and I was tottering a little. At noon. It was awesome. Other than that, I, uh, did some work. Also, I think I forgot to brush my hair today. Swell.

All is better now because I’m having some wine. And nothing goes with writing about Cosmo better than alcohol. Whee!

Right. And now… it’s business time!

To be good online-date bait

(Date bait. Seriously.)

– Excessive emoticons and exclamation points are annoying. Call me crazy, but I think this extends outside the world of online dating.

–”Men love girls who like boy food.” So talk about how much you like steak. Because red meat is a boy food, obviously, and women only eat chicken, unless they’re trying to catch a man! Right? Right.

Yeah:

– Results of a recent study suggest that women who like certain types of ice cream are more likely to fall for men who like certain types of ice cream. (Example — Her: vanilla, Him: rocky road.) I like superman ice cream, and it doesn’t tell me what kind of man I am likely to fall for, and now I will never know. Sigh.

– Curve-hugging corset dresses: hot. If you are a celebrity.

– Cosmo, you call America’s Next Top Model skanky like that’s a bad thing. Please. Tyra Banks, her massive ego, and crying and yelling and catfighting model wannabes? Damn fine television. I can watch those ANTM marathons for HOURS. My god, they are so great.

– “If he weren’t famous, would you date him?” A survey of 100 women reveals that only 5 would date Will Ferrell if he weren’t famous, 10 would date Jack Black, 25 would date Adam Sandler, but a whopping 70 would date John Krasinski, who is also known as Jamelah’s TV Boyfriend. So, step off, bitches.

– Lip products! Oh my goodness gracious, I do agree that Bigelow Mentha Lip Shine is awesome. Being the total lip gloss junkie that I am, I have three tubes of this stuff (one is plain gloss, one is black cherry soda-flavored, and one has a slight red tint), and it is so great, because not only does it shine, it tastes good. And it freshens breath. Perfect for when you know you’re going to kiss someone, because other than that whole breath-freshening thing (very important!) it also isn’t at all sticky. Sticky lip gloss is the worst.

The Part You’re Actually Interested In: Love & Sex

– See his side during a fight. Thus sayeth Cosmo: “Believe it or not, he may have a point.” No kidding.

– What Not To Do In Bed: There’s this article, see. In it, guys tell their bad sex horror stories. It’s mildly entertaining. Note: don’t hit a guy in the face with your pubic bone. Apparently that’s a turnoff. So how can you tell if you’re really the naughty, naughty little minx you think you are? Well, there are four signs that you are making him CRAZY. They are as follows: 1) his breathing changes, 2) his face is flushed, 3) he gets freaky (like by pulling your hair, or something), and 4) his toes curl. This is just a guess, but I think pausing to ask, “Are your toes curling? Are they? Am I blowing your mind? Shut up, I said your mind,” probably defeats the purpose.

– Being a jealous bitch is okay sometimes.

– Sync Up Your Sex Styles: Apparently there are four different sex styles.

• ” Sensualists use sex to express their love. These hopeless romantics crave lots of eye contact, deep kissing, foreplay, and postcoital cuddling.”
• “Adventurers believe that if the sex isn’t on point, neither is the relationship. They measure their pleasure by sexual enthusiasm and variety (in positions and changes of scenery).”
• “Pleasers get off most by controlling the action and gratifying their partners, even if it means putting their own needs on the back burner.”
• “Thinkers love to fantasize, but stress (either about their performance or their bodies) sometimes torpedoes their libodis, so they need reassurance.”

And then it breaks down the 16 different combinations for you so you’ll know what the sex will be like, which is really sweet of Cosmo, isn’t it?

– Hands-On Sex Tricks He’ll Love: Seriously, you’re expecting me to write this out for you?

– How Our Friendship Turned to Love: Falling for your friends — really common. I’m shocked. I fall for my friends all the time (it’s kind of a bad habit) but I thought I was being totally original about it.

Miscellaneous:

– This isn’t an article, but there is a four-page advertising spread for the new Paris Hilton fragrance (surprisingly, it is not called Eau de Valtrex), called Can Can. It is “Inspired by the wild, wonderful world of Moulin Rouge.” Whatever. I don’t really care about Paris Hilton or her fragrance, but after looking at the photos in this ad, I just want to say that Paris doesn’t even look like a human being. She looks like she is made of plastic. Fishnet-tights-wearing plastic. It’s kind of unsettling, actually.

– There’s a fashion spread here but I couldn’t pay attention to the clothes because it was shot in Venice and so I was more interested in where the photographs were taken than what the models were wearing. I miss Italy. Sigh.

– There’s another fashion spread about coats, and there’s this olive green leather Burberry trench that I am coveting now.

– Yogurt as a way to cure yeast infections (and help prevent new ones)? I guess so. Cosmo suggests coating a tampon with plain, unflavored yogurt (must be made with active cultures!), inserting it, then immediately removing it. If done twice daily for four or five days, everything should be ship-shape. This totally disturbs me.

– I took the Cosmo quiz, and it tells me that I am sexy in spades. Go me!

The end.

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