Jul 21 2008
the five freebies
Alright. You know how when you’re in a relationship with someone, the conversation will eventually turn to which famous people both you and your fellow relationship-person are allowed to hook up with and you can’t get mad at each other for it because seriously, like you could turn that opportunity down? And also, seriously part 2, it’s not like it’s ever going to happen?
Yeah. Like that.
Earlier today I was replying to this comment, which had something to do with Maggie Gyllenhaal (look at how good I am at spelling! I didn’t even look that up!), and then I somehow wandered back over to Christian Bale and my list of five freebies. Because I am talented. (And also, doesn’t that comment immediately make you think “celebrities I’d like to bang”? Or is there just something very, very wrong with me?)
Anyway, here is my list. It will change in the future, as it has changed from past incarnations, but since nobody’s asking, I’m just going to tell you, though not in any particular order.
1. Christian Bale
As previously mentioned, I would watch him reading the phone book. My thing for Christian Bale has been going on for years and years and years, and it just keeps on going. Aside from the whole ridiculously hot thing, which, granted, works in his favor when it comes to this list (because, um, ahem), he is an insanely good actor, and always has been. (Remember Empire of the Sun?) He even made me appreciate American Psycho, which is something Bret Easton Ellis wasn’t able to do. And yeah, I will go see Terminator 4 (Salvation?) when it comes out. Next year. Sigh.
2. Paul Rudd
Another long-standing celebrity crush, I first discovered him when I was a teenager and I saw Clueless (which may in fact be my favorite film adaptation of Jane Austen’s Emma — shut up, it’s really clever), and what can I say? He is still just so adorable. And funny. And once when I was in a play, there was a page at the front of the script listing the original Broadway cast, and he played the character that the character I was playing was supposed to fall in love with. And while the guy who played that character in the production I was in wasn’t bad either, maybe, just maybe, I closed my eyes and imagined that he was Paul Rudd that night we had to rehearse that kissing scene over and over and over.
3. Ryan Adams
If you ever pay attention to that last.fm list of recently played songs in the sidebar, you might notice that I listen to Ryan Adams a lot. I’m listening to Ryan Adams right now! I often listen to his songs and think about moments in my life and wish that’s what I could’ve said. Caryn and I have this thing about me getting knocked up by Ryan Adams and then living in a trailer in South Dakota, which is probably only funny to us, as the best jokes among friends are, but then I remembered the genesis of it, and it’s right here on my blog! (I think I’m just going to keep linking to things because I’m so happy to have my blog back.) Anyway, it’s not that I actually want to get knocked by Ryan Adams and then end up living in a trailer in South Dakota, because, you know, why not Nebraska? Also, I think that story might involve kidnapping. Why am I writing about this? I don’t know. The point is that my love for him is real. (Ha! Ryan Adams reference! /dork!!)
4. Thom Yorke
I think there are two kinds of people in the world: people who think Thom Yorke is sexy and people who read this sentence and think “WTF?” But I am firmly in the first camp, because, well, I am. I’m not entirely sure how to explain it, but I guess it’s like this. I liked Radiohead before this, but ok, I spent a large chunk of my 22nd birthday in a heap on the floor, weeping (it was a rough day) and the only thing that could turn the full-on body-wrenching sobs into quiet, occasionally hiccupy tears that eventually turned into cried-out calm was pausing to listen to the CD that was playing, and that CD was Amnesiac, which I’d received as a gift the day before from my friend Wes. I probably listened to “Pyramid Song” a hundred times today. Shatteringly beautiful, that song, but it put me back together again in a moment when I was crushed. Also, listening to Thom Yorke sing makes me, to slightly misquote Emily Dickinson, feel as if the top of my head were taken off. I would totally do him.
5. Jon Stewart
Outside of being smart and not being a serial killer, being funny is probably the most attractive thing I can think of. By these standards, Jon Stewart is so hot. (I mean, I haven’t heard anything about him being a serial killer, which is good, because if he was, that would definitely lower him a notch or two.) I still read and watch the news (though whenever I’m clicking through all those cable news stations and I see Nancy Grace, I flee as fast as my remote-trigger-finger will let me, which, by the way, is really fast) but it is The Daily Show’s constant send-ups of the ridiculousness of the news that consistently makes my day. And oh, Jon Stewart makes me laugh. Sometimes even like Muttley.
So, who would be on your list of five?
you know, i don’t think i could make this list because as far as i can think of, there are zero celebrities i’d like to bang.
i think this may have something to do with the number of hot celebrity douchebags i’ve met in my various lines of work which has convinced me that, hot or not, celebrities as a group are just not worth the time of day it takes to interact with them.
Wow, DITTO on Jon Stewart. Something about the “I’m too well-informed to take you seriously” schtick. Don’t know why, but that’s a turn-on.
As for the other four (these are not in any particular order, and some may be slightly embarrassing):
Matt Damon–he had me at Good Will Tortured-Genius-From-the-Wrong-Side-of-the-Tracks. And then the whole Bourne Sexy-Amnesiac-Assassin came along, and, well.
Anderson Cooper–don’t tell me you think he might be gay; I will not believe you. I plan to bear his articulate, silver-haired children.
Edward Norton–although he’s definitely on probation for taking a role in the Hulk movie. Why, Ed? WHY?
and, um, OK, so don’t judge, but: Kenneth Branagh. Speak Shakespeare to me, Kenny!
what kelsi said, except because i’ll never meet them, i don’t have to worry about them being assholes. in any case i only have three:
Daniel Sunjata: i mentioned him to a male friend who then googled him and IMed me back with “i just spontaneously orgasmed.”
Al Pacino: but only of the Scarface/Godfather times. because violence is sexy?
Gul Kirat Panag: quite possibly the most beautiful woman alive.
Christian Bale, actor
Miguel Cabrera, baseball player
James Franco, actor
Neil Patrick Harris (!) gayness notwithstanding
Matthew Fox
Richard Ayoade
Ryan Reynolds
Paul Rudd
Gilbert Blythe (what’s that? No, you’re fictional. Shut up!)
Um… Helen Mirren?
You know, it’s funny you started this off with Maggie Gyllenhaal, because when I was watching The Dark Knight last night (with my head at a 90-degree angle to my neck), I was thinking she would be on my (otherwise nonexistent) list.
Curtis Granderson (athlete-MLB)
Rafael Nadal (athlete-tennis)
Hugh Laurie
Sarah Chalke (that’s how much I love her)
Christian Bale (yes, he’s fifth)
I hate to break up the hen party in your comment section, but…
Maggie Gyllenhaal: The movie was ‘Secretary’. She has a look about her. Can’t explain it, but it’s a good look.
Jennifer Aniston: She was terminally hot throughout Friends and even when wearing flair in Office Space. She has this girl-next-door thing going on and the fact that she’s been crushed by men/douchebags probably means that she’d be appreciative of someone not jerking her around for a change.
Bjork: I have no idea why. Icelandic women are hot and mysterious and Bjork nicely adds batshit-insane to the mix, but there’s still something about her look and her eyes and stuff. Also, if you’re judging me, allow me to simply remind you: Thom Yorke. I love Radiohead (Kid A=Best; How To Disappear Completely=Awesome), but, come on.
Charlize Theron: Because. Seriously. Have you seen Charlize Theron?
Anna Kournikova:Athletic women win. Sort of always. As a matter of fact, show me just about any gymnast over the age of 18 and I’ll be like, ‘Okey dokey!’
Christian Bale (always, forever, and even longer)
Luke Wilson (so goofily endearing)
Rocco DiSpirito (celebrity chef)
Ron Livingston (although he always plays the funny guy, he. is. sexy.)
Jason Bateman (who can resist that special brand of charm? Clearly, not me)
This is so entertaining. Thanks for indulging my curiosity and also giving me ideas. You are swell.
kelsi — Fair enough. In my fantasy universe, all of the people on my list are totally nice and awesome all the time. Yeah.
lesley — Oh yes, Matt Damon. He was a runner-up on my list.
fathima — So, to clarify, do you mean Scarface/Godfather-era Al Pacino or present-day Al Pacino because of Scarface/Godfather?
all the wine — Good list.
srah — Gilbert Blythe is one of the hottest fictional characters ever, so his presence on your list is totally understandable. Wait. I mean, he’s not fictional at all. Also I hope I am as hot as Helen Mirren when I am her age.
Meera — I don’t know if I would switch teams for Maggie Gyllenhaal (though that might be another interesting list), but she is very lovely. So I might. I am of course thinking about it now.
SA — Ah, Rafael Nadal.
Sir — Also, Björk has an umlaut in her name, which is inherently awesome. In re: Thom Yorke — shut up.
elise — Luke Wilson! Adorable. Have you seen Bottle Rocket? Because he is so cute in that movie.
Also, I am so proud of everyone for not putting Scarlett Johansson on their respective lists.
CURSE YOU, SCARJO! (I call her ScarJo because I can never remember how to spell her last name). She stole Ryan Reynolds from… um, me?
so, i’m wondering: does getting arrested for assaulting family members change cb’s place on anyone’s list? i’m sure it elevated him on some…
just curious.
and jamelah, good job on this, because your post was the first thing i thought about when i saw those headlines.
It did make me pause and sort of laugh at myself. Such timing, after all that gushing.
omg christian bale..sooo trueeeee..:P
Can I list Paul Rudd five times?