Aug 06 2008
it’s okay to be jealous
Last night, I took my dog for a walk to my grandma’s house so I could water her flowers. Um. I didn’t need the dog with me for that, no, but I needed to walk the dog and I also needed to water the flowers and… multitasking! Brilliant! Usually when I walk the dog to my grandma’s house I take an unnecessarily long route but I figured this time I’d take a shorter route there and take the long way back. I got about three houses away from my destination when I heard, “Hey!” I looked over my shoulder at three men sitting on lawn chairs in a garage, drinking beer. Obviously, I thought “Awesome!” One of the men said, “Come here.” Instead of doing that, though, I decided I’d just keep walking. I mean, I love partying with ultra-classy dudes sitting in garages drinking beer as much as the next girl, but I had somewhere to go, see. But that was not the end of it. Of course.
Dude: Hey! Come here!
Me: Uh, no. I’m going somewhere.
Dude: Girl, come here.
Me: (A little pissed at this point, actually. I planted my feet and raised an eyebrow.) What?
Dude: What kind of dog is that?
Me: A border collie.
Dude: Bring it here.
Me: No.
Dude: Girl, come on.
Me: No. (I don’t respond well to bossiness.)
Dude: (Getting up and walking toward me.) What kind of dog did you say it was?
Me: A border collie.
Dude: A porter collar?
Me: B O R D E R C O L L I E.
Dude: A bored caller?
Me: (Thinking something along the lines of “Oh, for fuck’s sake.”) Booooorrrrrrrrderrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr cooooooollllllllllllllllllllllllliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee.
Dude: A port collier?
Me: Yes. A port collier.
Dude: Is that your dog or your boyfriend’s dog?
Me: It’s my dog. (Thinking: D’oh!)
Dude: But your boyfriend helps you take care of it?
Me: Uh.
Dude: You got a boyfriend, right?
Me: Oh yes*.
Dude: I know you do. I didn’t care about the dog. I just wanted to see how pretty you was.
Me: Ah.
Dude: (To his friends) It’s a port collier!
Me: I’m gonna go now.
*Well seriously, what was I supposed to say? (Maybe, “No, because I’ve been saving myself for you, Unattractive Drunken Man.”)
Besides, he had me all figured out. Though he never did say how pretty I were. Sigh.
This is the single most hilarious thing I’ve ever read!!
The garage grammar and usage is PRICELESS: “I just wanted to see how pretty you was”. Seriously great.
Why is it always the local barf-bag that wants to hit on girls? It couldn’t be like a hot guy or anything, right. Nooo…That would be too easy.
Best pickup line ever: “I marry you, girl. I take you to my country. You live like Queen.”
Wow. Having grown up in Ohio and, therefore, brought up to loathe Michigan without rhyme or reason, these guys almost justify my unjustifiable hatred for the state. Good thing I don’t stereotype!
Did you tell grandma that you met some nice boys on your walk that said you were pretty?
mema — It always has to be someone gross so that it can boost your self confidence. Ahem. Also, I’m pretty sure that the best pickup line ever (and by “best” I mean “I want to kill myself”) is “When I get this drunk, I really like to fuck.”
Sir — Oy. Don’t start on that Michigan thing. Do you want to fight? Because we can, and then I will not let you borrow my bedazzler. So there. In fact, I challenge you to give me 10 reasons why Ohio is better than Michigan, and then I will totally win. Okay, go.
why is everyone so much more civil than i am in these kinds of situations.
probably because not everyone is as fond of four-letter words as i am.
oh well, what an ass.
That’s so weird. Things like that never happen in ksa, but then again here they just throw numbers at girls. But you’re brave for not running the other mile, if some drunk guy came my way–which here is next to impossible, I’d be running the other way.
1. Detroit.
2. Michigan sends its elderly to the cold, harsh U.P.
3. Maize and blue? The color of corn … and then blue? Really?
4. Economically speaking, all houses in Michigan, regardless of size or the amount of crown molding, appear to currently be worth ~$127.85.
5. On exiting my car in the capital city of Lansing, an old lady in a rocking chair pointed a shotgun at me and said, “Just keep on drivin’, stranger.”
6. The state’s basically surrounded by water and Canada. Cowards.
7. Toledo has become Toledo because of hordes of Michiganders crossing the border and starting brothels and crack houses. It’s true. I read it on a sports website run by an OSU fan. They don’t lie.
8. It’s apparently not pot-head friendly.
9. The flag has an elk and a moose yelling at each other over a shield that shows some crackpot waving a gun.
10. Because.
I can’t help but wondering if that kind of slack-jawed, half-assed excuse for courtship ever works. Because it must, if they keep doing it, don’t you think? Usually, no matter how polite I try to be, the conversations I have like that end up with the guy muttering, “Well, fuck you den.”
fathima — While I adore 4-letter words (and I do, I most certainly do), I have this problem with ingrained politeness. I didn’t even use the phrase “shut up” until I was about 10, and I was only induced to do so because I was shaking with rage and then the words came out of my mouth and I was shocked at myself. Shocked!
hebah — Unfortunately around here, drunk losers are all too common.
Sir — I’ll be back.
Fraulein N — Maybe it’s like telemarketers. You know, I’ve never bought anything from a telemarketer, and I don’t know anyone who has, either (unless people I know are lying about it), but someone out there must be, right? Guys like this are the telemarketers of the dating world.
Okay, Sir. It’s on. First of all, I don’t really think that’s a list of reasons why Ohio is superior to Michigan so much as it’s a list of reasons why Michigan sucks, and, like, come on, Cheater McGee. But in any case, let me rebut the items on your list. Because I wanted to use the word “rebut.” Here goes:
1. And? Detroit is the land of cars and The White Stripes and Eminem and mumblekidrockmumble. And also Dearborn, which is where many of my relatives live so it’s automatically awesome by default. And of course, Motown. Motown gave us Stevie Wonder and Marvin Gaye. And what has Ohio given us? Marilyn Manson? Gosh, thanks.
2. That is categorically untrue. Canadians go to the U.P. for the warm, balmy winter weather. Our elderly, on the other hand, go to Florida where it’s perfectly acceptable for them to drive really slowly because they can’t see over their steering wheels. This frees up the road for the everyone else to really fast.
3. Yes, yes. Sigh. And then there’s Ohio State. Or, excuse me, The Ohio State University. It’s like that douchebag at parties for whom referring to himself in the third person isn’t enough, he has to refer to himself in the third person and put “the” in front of his name. Also, Buckeyes are things that fall out of trees. Not intimidating.
4. I never really did understand what makes crown molding so great anyway. Be that as it may, let me be 100% serious and boring for a moment and tell you that (for the next couple of weeks, at least) I work with property. And I know how much properties sell for. And despite the mortgage issues and the foreclosures coming in right and left, I’m in one of the more economically-depressed areas of the state and property values are on the rise. Foreclosures go for lower amounts because banks just want to unload them, but normal sales are still happening and they’re happening for good money.
5. Okay, I’m sure that totally happened.
6. But the Great Lakes are pretty. And my dog loves them. And there are big sand dunes which are really hard to climb, by the way, but also fun, if you’re into doing things that are difficult for no apparent reason other than to say you did them, and if you’re not then, dude, what do you even do for fun? Do you even know what fun is? And that is why the Great Lakes are awesome. As for Canada, um… Tim Hortons?
7. Toledo has become Toledo because it’s in Ohio.
8. Maybe not, but it is tongue-forking friendly.
9. Oh yeah? Well, the state beverage of Ohio is TOMATO JUICE. Fail.
10. Nuh uh.
Jamelah, you rock. Never has the honor of my beloved home state been defended so well. Number 3 had me on the floor.