About the Author
It’s okay, I always want to know what bloggers look like, too. I’m mostly like this, really:
But I clean up pretty nice, too:
Exactly. I am a bastion of rock.
Here are 10 really important things about me (as determined by Caryn and as expounded upon by me):
1. I have a tortured relationship with my hair.
Well, if you had raging communism sprouting from your scalp, you’d have a tortured relationship with your hair, too.
2. I often have to do quick fixes on wardrobe mishaps.
How many times have I stapled my shirts closed? I have certainly lost count.
3. I find myself in awkwardly impossible situations on a regular basis.
In this regard, I’m sort of like my own sitcom, except no matter how much they should, these awkwardly impossible situations do not include a laugh track. From my ability to fall down and trip over my own feet, to my talent for always saying the wrong thing, to my skill at getting into weirdly hopeless relationships, I’m always up to something. And usually it’s something dumb.
4. I make great fudge.
My aunt makes great fudge and a few years ago she gave me her recipe, so now I too make great fudge.
5. I am completely satisfied by Snickers.
I really cannot think of anything in this world more satisfactory than nougat, caramel and peanuts coated in chocolate. Can you? If you can, then obviously you haven’t even had a Snickers.
6. While I have a special affinity for Justin Timberlake, I am not, in fact, interested in bringing sexy back. I am, however, working feverishly on bringing The Hustle back.
Yeah, Timberlake can handle the sexy, but when I think about myself, I realize that I am called to a higher purpose. I am called to handle the line dancing.
7. I have a special place in my heart for the semicolon, Mr. Darcy and bitchin’ Camaros.
What more is there to say? I have defended the use of semicolons in more than one conversation, because I am a fan of pretentious punctuation. I love Mr. Darcy, be he portrayed in BBC film versions involving Colin Firth + lake, or in Jane Austen’s razor-sharp prose (I am a hardcore Jane Austen geek). And really, show me a person who doesn’t love bitchin’ Camaros, and I will show you a person who has forgotten what it means to live.
8. I am well trained in the art of mullet-identification.
You may think it’s a simple matter of “business in the front, party in the back” but the truth is that it’s a bit more complex than this and often incorporates mathematical analysis of the degrees of layering in a particular hairstyle. My mother and I recently had a debate about the mullet of a young lady we both know — I said “And then she showed up with a mullet” and she said “I thought it was a cute haircut” and I said “No, no, it’s a mullet” — but it’s best not to argue with me about such things because I’m a bit of an expert. A mulletologist, if you will.
9. I am an advocate of sleeping late.
I am an advocate of most forms of lateness (other than late periods — ha!). I haven’t been on time to work for months now, though of course I’m never more than seven minutes late, and really does that even count as lateness? I don’t think so.
10. I know how to break into my own house, so it shouldn’t be too hard for me to break into yours!
I probably wouldn’t break into your house, though. I mean, why would I? It’s not like I’d steal anything, because I’ve found that valuable things are kind of heavy. And I don’t really like carrying heavy things. And then once I carried them, what would I do with them? I don’t want your computer. I hate listing things on eBay, so that would be right out. And then basically I’d be stuck with a bunch of your crap in my house and I don’t really need it because I have enough crap of my own and I’d never be able to invite you over because you’d be thinking stuff like “Hey, isn’t that my Nordic Track?” and I just don’t really need to deal with it. You understand. But, you know, if you ever lock yourself out of your house, I can probably help you. I am skilled at climbing through windows, and I’ve even picked a lock or two in my day.
