Here are my thoughts on this delightful commercial, provided here with notes on which moment in the commercial I thought them:
0:01 — Hi, Vince.
0:05 — I’m gonna be in a great mood all day because I’m gonna be slapping my troubles away. With the Slap Chop. Aside from the obvious inference that slapping things is a mood elevator (and I think we can go ahead and perceive that euphemistically if we’d like), I’m not sure I can say that I’ve ever thought of un-chopped vegetables as things that are ruining my life.
0:08 — If I slap a potato once, I’ll have big chunks for stew. But if I slap it twice, I can have home fries! You know, call me crazy, but this looks more inconvenient than just using a knife.
0:12 — I will never add a mushroom.
0:13 — The more you do it, the finer it gets. That’s really true about so many things, isn’t it?
0:17 — Granted, cutting up a lot of vegetables to make a salad can be time-consuming.
0:19 — Hello pizza? With a baby carrot, a chunk of celery and a radish? CARROTS DON’T GO ON PIZZA.
0:25 — Boring tuna = boring life. Got it.
0:26 — And now we’re delving into the exciting world of the split-screen. Fancy!
0:30 — For people who eat egg salad (I do not ever, because, um, no) I suppose slapping a mini gherkin would be much easier than using a spoonful of relish.
0:33 — I can add the ham.
0:34 — Actually I do have time to make breakfast, because I’ve never been particularly challenged by pouring cereal into a bowl or opening a container of yogurt. Be that as it may, explain to me how a chopped hard-boiled egg, pickle and green onion, combined with what appears to be less than a third of a piece of paper-thin-sliced ham constitutes breakfast. I understand that people eat all kinds of things for the most important meal of the day, but really? Do you then put that chopped up amalgamation of awfulness on a plate with some toast? Or do you also add the toast and slap that together with the egg/pickle/onion/ham combination to blend everything together into an unrecognizable pulp? And why do I have the song “Smack My Bitch Up” stuck in my head right now? Dammit.
0:36 — I can have an exciting life now.
0:38 –”You’re gonna love my nuts.” Whether that’s euphemistic or literal, he is so wrong.
0:41 — A one-finger application to the nuts, eh?
0:43 — They’re gonna charge a dollar for toppings at the ice cream stores, because ice cream stores are brazen that way. But with this amazing product, you can get your fingered nuts for free.
0:44 — What about fruit?
0:45 — “Put a mango.” That’s not even a complete sentence. And he’s blatantly disregarding the strawberry.
0:49 — “Isn’t that beautiful on your ice cream?” I don’t know but it’s absolutely breathtaking on the countertop there, Vince. I especially appreciate how the strawberry sparkles.
0:53 — It pops open in three easy steps. And then you can clean the hell out of it.
0:57 — You can’t pop open other choppers. He looks angry about this.
0:58 — Over the shoulder and into the sink. I’m impressed.
1:02 — He left the skin on that garlic? What a rebel.
1:06 — Okay. The onion with the skin. It’s already chopped in half, of course, because there’s no way anyone would ever fit a whole onion into that thing. This means two things: one, you already have to use a knife so why bother getting something else dirty, and two, if the onion is chopped in half you can just pull the skin right off of it.
1:10 — Wait, the Slap Chop can guarantee that I won’t cry anymore?
1:14 — Do people really use food processors just to chop onions? Honest question.
1:17 — We’re gonna make America skinny again. Right. Let’s review the food dear Vince has Slap Chopped so far: a potato to make home fries, a carrot and a piece of celery and a radish for salad or pizza (mmhmm), a chunk of tuna mixed with aforementioned carrot/celery/radish mixture to make tuna salad which is something people typically mix with mayonnaise, a hard-boiled egg and a pickle and a piece of green onion to make egg salad which is again something people typically mix with mayonnaise, all that egg salad stuff mixed with ham for the worst breakfast ever, nuts and fruit to go on ice cream, garlic and onions. While none of these things are inherently unhealthy, the suggestions for use aren’t exactly directed toward the wisest choices possible either.
1:21 — And then after that whole bit about making America skinny again, here comes the special offer for the cheese grater. It’s called the Graty.
1:25 — Watch this! It’s cheese! Grated cheese! It’s a miracle!
1:26-1:29 — “Tacos, fettuccine, linguine, martini, bikini.” Oh Vince, you poet. Grated cheese for tacos, sure. Fettuccine and linguine, okay. Martini? Dear lord no. And as for that bikini thing, no matter how I imagine it — a bikini made of cheese, or a bikini full of cheese — it’s just wrong.
1:40 — I feel a special offer coming on.
1:42 — Oh, we’re so close to the special offer! I can only get it within the next 20 minutes (I know, you can’t do this all day). I’m so excited!
1:44 — I CAN GET THE GRATY ABSOLUTELY FREE! Cheese bikinis, here I come! But wait, didn’t you just special offer me the Graty back at 1:21? Allow me to rewind and check. Yes, you said “If you buy the Slap Chop, we’re gonna give you the Graty for cheese.” If you say you’re gonna give it to me, that means it’s a gift. So we’re not really covering any new ground, are we? No.
1:45 — Just pay for processing! What kind of cheapskate are you? Giving me a present and then making me pay for processing. The nerve.
1:46 — Here’s how to order. Punk.
1:54 — A foldable cutting board? Do wonders never cease?
So I went to the Slap Chop website, and aside from the fact that it forced me to do this:
I noticed two things. First, I noticed that if I ordered through the website, I could get two Slap Chops and two Gratys for the price of one! You know, in case I want to do it two-handed. Second, shipping and handling is $7.95, which I’d have to pay twice, you know, because god forbid they put both Slap Chops in one box, so really, instead of paying $19.95, I actually would have to pay something like $35.85, probably plus tax.
Oh. One more thing. The fine print:
The Slap Chop is a manual chopper machine that works when you slap the plunger part. Every slap triggers the 3 blades below to chop and cut the food. [Chop AND cut. Not just chopping, not just cutting.] The more you slap the Slap Chop, the finer the food gets. Today you can get the Slap Chop and Graty for just $19.95 plus $7.95 shipping and handling. [Hallelujah!] But that’s not all! You’ll also get a 2nd Slap Chop and Graty set for FREE, just pay $7.95 to cover the shipping and handling fee! [You're so generous!] The Graty for cheese comes with 2 blades, fine and coarse. Place any kind of cheese in the container, turn and press the black top twister and the cheese comes right out for omelets, salads and pasta. [Don't forget the martinis and the bikinis.] The Slap Chop and the Graty for cheese both come with a 3 year warranty and are both dish washer safe. [That's a relief.]
So, yeah. I’m so glad we did this.