things i learned from this month’s cosmo

Today, this first day of autumn, it seems appropriate to take a few moments and learn some stuff, wouldn’t you say? It’s always good to begin a new season armed with knowledge. And so, without further ado, here are some things you should know, to get your fall started right.

— What’s sexy now? Hot pants. No, really. Sure, it may be too cold to wear hot pants, and I think there’s some joke in that clause that I’m not making, but the point is that even if it is too cold for hot pants, you can just put on some tights.

— “, a new website, uses a saliva sample to hook you up with potential mates based on your histocompatibility complex, genes that play a role in chemical attraction.” In other words, like the t-shirt says (though you have to scroll down a bit to see it), stand back! I’m going to try science!

The Man Report

— Say you just met a guy. Did you know that the way he carries money can tell you a lot about him, in a vague, useless way? It’s true. Read on:

1. Wadded-up bills means that “maybe he’s a creative type or maybe he has an uinability to conform to even basic norms.”
2. A messy wallet means that “he could be supportive…but also thrive on chaos.”
3. A money clip: “He has his life in order, but if he flashes wads of cash, he may need a lot of attention.”

— Did you also know that the way a man cries reveals everything about him, from his relationship style to what he’s going to be like in bed? Also totally true. And did you also know that for the sake of handiness and lists, there are only four different types of men? Also also totally true. So, here we go. If:

1. He cries, but not in front of you… he suppresses his emotions. It will be up to you to unlock those emotions, through trust. And pestering.

2. He’s always stoic… “This may come as a surprise, but a man who’s not in touch with his feelings will always put yours first. ‘Because he wants to come off as tough and manly, his primary concern will be protecting you and making sure you’re secure,’ says Scott Kudia, PhD, author of If This is Love, Why Am I Unhappy?” There’s more, but I have to take a moment to tell you that the model they chose to represent the stoic man has clearly-visible chest stubble. Is Cosmo saying that stoic men shave their chests but then let it grow back a little bit? Or is it just that their Photoshop budget was a little low this month?

3. He bawls out of frustration… This fellow freaks out when he doesn’t get his way. Do not be fooled: it’s not because he’s sensitive, it’s because he doesn’t know any other way to express himself. “The best way to handle him: ignore his freak-outs, but acknowledge his feelings, and couch your sexual desires as compliments. Lastly, you may suggest he see a couselor for new, healthier ways to cope with frustration.” Because nothing says I love you more than “Honey, you need therapy.”

4. He’s not shy about shedding tears… “If your guy is the type to get watery-eyed during very emotional situations — or even during the occasional sappy moment (read: while watching a sad movie) — you have a keeper.” Win!

Style Q&A

Q: How can I prevent showing my butt crack when I sit down?
A: Wear a long cami under cropped tops. Or try JAKs from Miss Oops. You hike them up over your pants until they sit on your lower back, covering your crack. Then pull your shirt down so the JAKs look like a tank peeking out.

What does that mean? I took a picture for you:

Yes. There you go. It’s like a dickie for your butt. Please don’t take that out of context.

Q: How can I get Cosmo cleavage?
A: Our cover girls often use chicken cutlets in their bras — they give amazing lift! Styles that have a clasp between the breasts and upper-cup adhesive work best.

You’re welcome.

Nice Guys Talk Dirty

I don’t know. Maybe I’ve been reading Cosmo too long and I’m jaded, but I’m pretty sure I’ve read every single of one these quotations before. Maybe not these exact quotations, but each of these are similar to ones I’ve read at sometime in the past. So, thinking about this logically, before deleting my old blog, I think I’d written about Cosmo 9 times. This is the 10th. I didn’t do this consistently, so that means I skipped several months. The original post, I remember, was written in March 2007, and it is now September 2008. So the answer is that it takes 18 months to read every possible sex tip Cosmo can give you. Does that mean I can finally stop writing about this magazine? Perhaps, perhaps. But in the meantime, let me sum up every single sex tip from Cosmo into five rules:

1. Men like sex.
2. Men like it when women like sex.
3. When you have sex, enjoy yourself. Enjoy him. Be in the moment.
4. Don’t be afraid to try something new or to say what does or doesn’t work for you. Take some responsibility for your own enjoyment.
5. Have a sense of humor. Relax. Have fun.

There. Now you know.

Oh wait, here’s another one:

6. Guys like blowjobs. A lot. Do that.

There it is!

I feel like I’ve graduated from Cosmo school.

12 thoughts on “things i learned from this month’s cosmo

  1. It turns out that “chicken cutlets” is what the kids call these silicon breast-enhancers that women stuff in their bras. They are called this because apparently they look just like… chicken cutlets!



  2. I, too, was imagining raw chicken meat being used as a boob-enhancement device.

    As for the histocompatibility thing, histocompatibility refers to antigen recognition in the immune response process, so when you start talking about spit analysis what you’re going to get from someone who’s ‘histocompatible’ to you is a person that would be an excellent candidate as a skin graft donor for you. Which is, admittedly, handy in a partner, but not generally something on which one builds a meaningful and loving relationship. Actually, I’m more impressed that they spelled ‘histocompatibility’ correct.

    Also, yes. Yay for blowjobs.


  3. I don’t know what you’re talking about, Sir. I don’t think it’s possible to have a meaningful and loving relationship with someone who wouldn’t be an excellent skin graft donor. It’s really high up on my list. Right up there with “sense of humor” and “doesn’t smell bad.”

    Admit it, you just wanted to talk sciencey.


  4. I’m glad you clarified about the chicken cutlet thing. I thought it was those silicon thingies, but wasn’t sure. But I wouldn’t put it past Cosmo to suggest stuffing actual chicken cutlets in your bras–to hell with the bacteria and odor filled consequences.


  5. I’m a little embarrassed that I too envisioned actual raw chicken being implemented as a bra-stuffer. I am, after all, a girl and should know about these things already.

    I’m sure the cosmofficials will be arriving any minute to revoke my mascara privileges.


  6. GWCH — Well, when I first read it, I thought, “CHICKEN CUTLETS? WHAT?!?!?” So then I did some research and discovered that it’s code for silicon bra-stuffers. Apparently Janice Dickinson is a fan. Who would’ve guessed?

    Fraulein N — Yes, the cartoon is unhelpful because it shows the girl in the act of putting this thing on and does not provide a visual for when it’s in place. From what I gather, this thing is a fake shirttail. So you pull it up over your pants (though I’m not sure you have to be wearing pants… why it couldn’t be part of getting dressed is beyond me, and wouldn’t it be easier to pull it into place while pantsless?) and anyway, you pull it up so that the bottom part hangs out of your shirttail and the top sits at your waist. So the top half of your outfit would consist of your shirt and the fake shirttail that hangs out of the bottom of your shirt, preventing you from flashing plumber-butt to the world when you sit. Why you couldn’t just wear a longer shirt, I don’t know, but there it is.

    lesley — Never surrender!


  7. So I’m left trying to decide which is sexier: chicken or silicon.

    I feel like I’m in a Laurie Anderson song: “que es mas macho, lightbulb o schoolbus?” (from Smoke Rings)


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