things i learned from this month’s cosmo

Can you believe it’s time to learn things from Cosmo again? Me neither. But alas, kittens, it is. It is. Learning things from Cosmo: the only educational plan in the world guaranteed to make you dumber. Alrighty then. This month I am going to make a list of educational items to shrink your brain cells. As Tone Loc was known to say, let’s do it.

1. And I quote: “‘Modern female dating anxiety’ is the obsessive worry over whether you’re ever going to meet The One and confusion about if you’re officially going out with a guy, according to the new book Stop Wondering if You’ll Ever Meet Him, by Ryan Browning Cassaday and Jessica Cassaday, PhD.” Huh. How long do you think it’ll be before we can see pharmaceutical commercials for MFDA, with pills called something like Datealon that you should discuss with your doctor, though they cause side effects such as unwanted facial hair, acne, mood swings, and dying fat and alone only to be found three weeks later half-eaten by wild dogs?

2. Did you know that there are five times when you shouldn’t text a guy? Well there are. Because Cosmo says so. They are as follows:

  • After your first few dates — because that ruins the thrill of the chase for him.
  • When you’re drunk — okay, I completely agree with this one. Though I would extend that to not texting anyone, not just guys. Though isn’t that always the way of being drunk and having a phone?
  • When you’re angry — so don’t send messages that say “I M >:| @ U!!!!” Actually, you should never send messages that say anything like that, ever. Ever. Please use real words. Please. I beseech you.
  • When you’re trying to be funny — because he won’t get your jokes, I guess. You know, since guys are dumb.
  • When you’ve already texted him that day — he only wants to hear from you once. Or, they say, this makes it so that you never really communicate. Or something.

3. When you’re talking to a guy and he steeples his fingers — think Mr. Burns — that means he’s thinking “This is almost too easy; I’m so getting lucky tonight.”

4. “Having sex can soften skin! ‘It releases hydrating oils, which give dry skin an extra glisten in winter,’ explains NYC derm Amy Wechsler.” Save money on moisturizer by banging! Brilliant!

5. This just in: guys still really like blowjobs.

6. This time their 75 Sex Tricks So Hot He’s Guaranteed To Call You His Little Chili Pepper (or whatever the article was actually called) wasn’t really worth noting but there was a sidebar: Naughty Moves That Scare Him. I think it was meant to be funny but Cosmo really ought to stick to the unintentional humor, because… well, take this bullet point for example: “Initiate sex against a wall. Then, just as you’re about to climax, burst through it like you’re the Kool-Aid Man.” Sadly, I must tell you that I have spent a lot of time thinking about this. I know it’s a joke and yet I will admit that in my mind, this has turned into an unsettling mash-up of, um, impure thoughts, Rock-a-dile Red, rubble, Can you IMAGINE? Drinking YOURSELF?!?, and OH YEAH! And yes, my mind is an entertaining place.

7. There’s an article on how to rock a first date, including a list of food not to order, such as spaghetti. I didn’t really read the article (sue me) but there was a tip at the bottom: a guy is 90% more likely to ask a girl out for a second date if she kisses him after the first one. Let me add to this with some advice from my own experience: let him kiss you while you’re at dinner, because if he’s any good at it, your head will get all swimmy and you’ll accidentally put your hand — full-on, palm-open — into some sour cream. And that, my friends, is CHARMING.

8. This is the MANHUNT issue, which means that Cosmo has found a hot bachelor from each of the fifty nifty United States. Many of them are shirtless. I noticed, while perusing this section, that I am too old for a great many of them. Neat. I also noticed that the dude from South Carolina is named Tribble. For real. TRIBBLE! As in, The Trouble with Tribbles. As in, wow, his parents must have really liked Star Trek. Tribble is 23 and can’t live without Facebook. Just so you know. Anyway, some statistics about these dudes:

  • 82% believe a hookup can turn into a real relationship.
  • 59% think it’s sexy when a girl goes commando.
  • 86% say sex on a first date is skanky.
  • 67% say they want a woman to play hard to get.
  • 80% prefer the natural look.
  • 88% call a girl to ask her out instead of texting.

9. Make a Guy Friend See You As a Possible Girlfriend “Take him out for a spicy dinner, like Mexican or Thai. The hot sensation triggers an unconscious personality association, so he’ll see you as a fiery chick. Follow it up with ice cream — lickable comfort food, especially when on a cone, sets up a seriously sexual subtext.”

10. And finally, to close out the Cosmo 10 for this month — foods that can seduce. They include recipes from Katie Lee Joel, for all of life’s situations. Or not all of life’s situations, but these particular situations: to wow friends, to make up with your boyfriend, to win over a guy’s parents, and to encourage a man to pop the question. Did you know that you can get a guy to propose by making oven-roasted chicken and serving it with mashed potatoes? I didn’t either, but hey, I guess it’s true. I don’t know what you’d do if the guy you want to propose to you is a vegetarian; I suppose just make extra mashed potatoes?

13 thoughts on “things i learned from this month’s cosmo

  1. First of all, I’m really bummed that our steeple secret is out. CURSE YOU, COSMO!!!!

    Second, it seems that 67% of young-ish males are certifiable morons and that ~12% are certifiable douchebags. Also, 80% really need to qualify what the ‘natural look’ consists of (preposition!).

    The sex-against-the-wall thing is amazing. No editor or publisher anywhere can top that little tidbit of hyperbolic genius.


  2. Having sex can soften skin! ‘It releases hydrating oils, which give dry skin an extra glisten in winter

    So basically sweating hydrates the skin? Didn’t everyone learn this in, like, third grade?


  3. Mindy and A Lover & A Fighter and I were reading Cosmo one month, and it said to watch out for finger steepling as this was a sign of a potential date rapist. The writers don’t sound nearly as alarmed about this gesture in this issue, which is somewhat worrying.


  4. I just left a comment on Kelsi’s blog that I’m aiming to whole heartedly blogstalk you today. You are everywhere I go lately!

    I absolutely love the blog. And I’ve heard of that engagement chicken, but I think I landed my husband with blowjobs. The rest of the article- well, the rest of the magazine actually- is just fluff.


  5. Sir — Well, I feel that I have an unfair advantage when it comes to understanding the natural look comment, in that there was an article a few pages later that described the difference between “Guy Hot” and “Girl Hot” and overwhelmingly, it seems that to appear hot in the eyes of men, a woman must not appear as though she is trying too hard, and it contains the quotation, “Men don’t like anything that looks fake.” This was in the context of eyelashes. No word on whether or not this applies to boobs.

    Fraulein N — Hah I know, right?

    SA — Yep, pretty much. One thing I have definitely learned from Cosmo is that it counts on its readers having very bad memories, which I know from the fact that it repeats stuff. A lot. So whoever wrote that bit is probably just hoping that we’ve all forgotten third grade.

    lengli — Hmmm… yeah they didn’t say anything about date rape this time around. (They also gave clues to two more hand gestures but they were not nearly as entertaining.) Maybe this means “I am so getting lucky tonight… BECAUSE I JUST PUT A ROOFIE IN YOUR DRINK.” And they forgot to mention it?

    lora — Hi. Welcome. And you raise an interesting point… does this mean that men like blowjobs better than chicken?


  6. Maybe I should start reading Cosmo? The world is just not really entertaining lately. Uhm, oh, apart from the old lady painting black the boobs on disco ads on the bus stop and pretending to read timetable when someone looked at her. Not that there was that much boobs. But it was just short-term fun. Uhm, yeah.


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