things i learned from this month’s cosmo

Writing about Cosmo in list form seemed to work really well (for me at least), so I’m going to do it that way again! Woot!

1. I thought by now I’d gotten to a point where nothing I read in this magazine could surprise me anymore and then I read “Create Cleavage: Smudge dark eye shadow in between your breasts. Use a light shadow across the tops, then blend,” and I said “Oh my God” right out loud. So it just goes to show you that I am not jaded after all, because… eyeshadow on the boobs. Wow. I mean, I understand that people do contouring body makeup and all, like remember the time when Mariah Carey showed up in public with drawn-on abs? But while I understand the principles of contouring makeup, which I learned by doing all that theater though I am sad to report that I never once did boob makeup, I think it’s something that perhaps requires just a little bit more skill than this one-line instruction might suggest and call me old-fashioned but I think perhaps DIY cleavage-drawing is one of those things to think about and then never ever do.

2. My horoscope says “Rub your dry feet with a rich lotion before bed, and then put on socks to wake up to softer soles.” GOSH, THANKS. YOU ARE THE WORST ASTROLOGER EVER.

3. Total-Body Sex. This article involves labeled photographs of a dude in bed (with his package covered up because what do you think Cosmo is, porn?) and it explains what happens to these different labeled bits when a guy is aroused. So, for one thing, his heart beats faster. Also, apparently the penis is an erogenous zone — did you know? — and this may come as a total shock, but guys like blowjobs.

4. Attract Hot Guys Like Crazy. There are a few suggestions — five, to be exact — of things to do in order to get guys to talk to you when you’re out at night. It contains helpful tips like you should smile. My favorite, though? “‘When you’re seated on a banquette or bar stool, try crossing and uncrossing your legs every minute or two,’ says body-language expert Janine Driver. ‘It’s a flirtatious action that draws attention to a body part that men crave touching.'” Mmmhmm.

5. What He Thinks of Your Orgasm Face. Now, due to the title of this article (and also the headline on the magazine cover that says, and I quote: YOUR ORGASM FACE :-O What He’s Thinking When He Sees It) I was led to believe that this article would be about, say, what guys think when they see girls’ O faces. This is somewhat misleading, however, because the article states, “According to a recent study, when men viewed women having sex, they looked at their faces first and lingered there longer than on any other area of their anatomies.” It continues by saying that the researchers who conducted the study believe that men focus on women’s faces during sex because they’re gauging how well they’re doing based on women’s facial expressions. Fair enough. We’re on the right track, headline-wise, so far. However, moving on, the article says “Now that you know how truly psyched your man is to witness you reveling in pleasure, the challenge is learning to let feelings of sexual bliss wash over you without becoming self-conscious. … Follow these tips on how to let go in that glorious moment.” So… yeah. What is a guy thinking when he sees your O face? Apparently he’s thinking “Wow, I am truly psyched.” Probably in those exact words. I’m left to speculate, however, since the article doesn’t really address it. Apparently it’s more important to give an O face tutorial! All very well and good, but then shouldn’t the article be called “HOW TO MAKE AN O FACE”?????? I could write my own tutorial, by the way. It would go like this:

Step One: Have an orgasm.
Step Two: Yeah, that’s pretty much it.


Also, the dude in the photograph that accompanies the article looks slightly terrified, which seems to run counter to the whole “Let go and enjoy the sex, because he thinks you’re awesome” theme of the article. Oh, Cosmo, you luscious bitch.

6. Don’t know how to socialize with your friends? Start a group blog! Then you’ll have a reason to talk to each other.

7. 45 Cosmo Girl Crises — Solved Instantly! This article (or list of tips, rather) is for those of us who are, you know, disaster prone. I’ve had to deal with several of these things because, well, I’m me. But I think whoever wrote this article is full of crap when it comes to item 22: “Cover up when a button pops off your blouse. If you can’t pin it, pop some gum in your mouth and chew. Then place it underneath the hole where the button fell off, and press together. Reattach the button on top with a small portion of the gum.” THIS IS A TERRIBLE SUGGESTION. I can think of a thousand reasons why, not least of which is that if you do manage to get the gum stuck to your shirt, what happens if you move and it comes loose and you have noticeable gum-strings? Or you lean over and it comes unstuck and a piece of chewed gum falls out of your shirt? And if you somehow forget that you’re holding your shirt together with gum and you wash it — disaster. Listen to me. Buttons fall off of shirts all the time. It is a fact of life. If this happens to you, store the button someplace where you won’t lose it — usually your purse will have a zipper pocket somewhere inside. Put the button in there and remember to zip the pocket so the button won’t fall out. Then use a stapler to staple the shirt closed. If you do it right, the staple will be invisible and nobody will be able to tell. If you’re at work, you probably have a stapler on your desk. If you’re not at work, then you can get into the habit of carrying a mini stapler with you (staplers are always handy) and if you are like me and only think about carrying a mini stapler with you most of the time, then other non-sticky things that work: safety pins, hairpins, barrettes, paper clips. Don’t put gum on your clothes. That’s a terrible idea.

8. There’s a quiz about how you feel about yourself when you’re naked, the point being that you’re supposed to feel okay about yourself when you’re not wearing any clothes. And of course there’s one of those sidebars that contains Cosmo‘s jokes. This sidebar is full of funny tips on what not to do when you want to feel better about yourself, such as: “When you want to look sexy, wear a floor-length dress with a picture of Scarlett Johansson wearing a floor-length dress airbrushed onto it.” (Yeah. Knee slapper!) Or, “Force yourself to run faster at the gym by imagining that a gigantic pint of murderous ice cream is chasing you with a knife.” That sounds like a dream I had once, actually.

9. Good one: “Use a cotton swab with a tiny dab of moisturizer on it to help clean up stray specks of eye shadow after application.”

10. A Cosmo web poll reveals: “69% of guys admit to having peeked at a girl’s text messages.” If a guy were to read my text messages he would find gems like “I’m getting on The Penetrator right now.” (By the way, The Penetrator is a road in Battle Creek.) Lucky him!

Okay, there’s the list of 10 for this month. I feel dumber now. Awesome.

13 thoughts on “things i learned from this month’s cosmo

  1. Blow jobs. Right. Wow. *makes note*

    Also, if you have the presence of mind to think about the face you’re making while you’re having an orgasm, it’s not really good enough, is it?


  2. I went on a day trip on Saturday, and was half-tempted to pick up a Cosmo to read on the train so I could fulfill this month’s trash magazine quota. Then I thought, “Why bother? It’s going to be so much more fun to read Jamelah’s recap than it will be to actually read Cosmo.” And even though I didn’t read the magazine, I have absolutely no doubt that I was 100% correct.

    Bless your heart (from one Southern grandmother to another) for having to sift through all this–we love you for it!


  3. *praise and applause, sugar coating and brown-nosing, oh guau!*

    now that that’s over, I have always noticed that cosmo just seems to play off on the idea that their readers don’t actually care about what the column actually has to offer, as long as it’s filled with “how to’s” and sex techniques, they figure that people will bother to read them.

    p.s. i also look forward to these monthly forays into the “abyss” albeit a rather lightich red one…


  4. *praise and applause, sugar coating and brown-nosing, oh guau!*

    now that that’s over, I have always noticed that Cosmo just seems to play off on the idea that their readers don’t actually care about what the column actually has to offer, as long as it’s filled with “how to’s” and sex techniques, they figure that people will bother to read them.

    p.s. i also look forward to these monthly forays into the “abyss” albeit a rather lightish red one…


  5. Crossing and uncrossing your legs every one or two minutes? I’m not sure how it’s supposed to be attractive (desperate, maybe), but it has to be good exercise. Half an hour, three series 10 repetitions each…


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