Hey guys. I know it’s a little early but I can’t keep the secret any longer. I got you the gift of learning for Christmas! How exciting!
Well, wait a second. Before I get started on the learning stuff I have to mention an advertisement for Lancome mascara because this ad stopped me in my tracks. Or my page-turning. Whatever. It says at the top of the ad, and I quote, “Revolution: Lancome’s first vibrating powermascara. Extends. Separates. Visibly multiplies.” Yeah. Vibrating powermascara? Wha-huh? Yes. Vibrating powermascara. The ad explains: “With 7000 oscillations per minute, recreate the application technique of a makeup artist with the simple push of a button. Let the vibrating brush zigzag for you, wrapping the exquisitely smooth formula around every lash up to 360 degrees. Instantly, see an eye-opening gaze: lashes appear infinitely extended, remarkably separated, and visibly multiplied in number.” Um. Let me try to wrap my brain around this. I know that when I apply mascara, I move the brush back and forth as I sweep upwards so that I get mascara more evenly on my lashes and am less likely to get clumps. It’s not difficult at all. What Lancome seems to have done is create a brush that does this work for me. How thoughtful. The problem is that I keep getting hung up on one tiny detail: do I really want to use a vibrating mascara wand? No. Do I think I would accidentally stab out my eyes with such a device? Yes. Furthermore, is it really that difficult to put on mascara with a plain old non-vibrating mascara wand? Sure isn’t. Okay then, problem solved.
Now it’s time for the learning present! So exciting!
1. “Many 30somethings are bestowing their bridal-party members with prewedding Botox injections instead of traditional gifts like earrings. These ‘thank yous’ are also sometimes given in the form of teeth-whitening sessions or airbrush tanning.” Really? I wonder what that card says. “Dear Bridesmaid, I would prefer it if your face appeared without wrinkles and was also oddly immobile at my wedding. Love, The Bride.”
2. Did you know that you can learn a lot about a guy based on his showering habits? Apparently you can! See, if he’s a wash-and-go kind of guy, then he’s practical and reliable but not very inventive. If he soaps up only a few times a week, he’s probably immature. If he takes really long showers then he’s vain, and if he showers more than once a day? Neurotic.
3. Also! Did you know that you can learn a lot about a guy based on his hair? Apparently you can! For example, if it’s short and neat then he’s fussy… or punk rock. Yeah. Fussy Punk. That’s the name of my new band. If it’s long and well-maintained, then he thinks he’s prettier than you are, and if it’s textured and messy then that means he wants to look good but he’s also a relaxed sort of guy. Gosh! Such insight!
4. Also also! Did you know that guys can’t process body language and words at the same time so it’s better to have important discussions when he’s not looking directly at you. Answer? BLINDFOLD! (Okay maybe — maybe — I’m making that last bit up.)
5. So you’re supposed to dare to wear a trench coat as a dress. Over sequined leggings. Hot.
6. I’m having a hard time finding things to learn. Does this make me a Cosmo know-it-all?
7. They have a special section in this issue of horoscopes for 2009. Mine says that (I guess at some point during the year) I will enjoy a mind-blowing sexual experience, which I have to say is better than the time my horoscope said I should put lotion on my feet and wear socks to bed.
8. There’s an article about how to keep your body baby-ready, because even though you don’t want to have babies now, you want to have them someday, you totally, totally do. It mainly says to stay healthy, but here’s an interesting fact: some foods are associated with improved fertility, such as one or two servings a day of full-fat dairy, like ice cream. Is it good or bad news that ice cream can make you more fertile? Discuss.
9. Fun, Fearless Way to Meet a Guy: “When you see a cute guy, slip one of your earrings into your bag, go stand near him, and after a moment, grab your ear and look down at the ground. Exclaim that you lost an earring, and ask him to help search for it. There’s no quicker way to bring a guy to his knees.” After that what are you supposed to do? Get it out of your bag when he’s not looking and toss it on the ground next to him so that he can find it and you can tell him he’s your hero? Or just say “Oh
darn drat, I guess it’s gone forever, but we should date” and then never wear those earrings again? And what happens if you see a cute guy at some time when you’re not wearing earrings? WHAT THEN?
10. “When you’re ovulating, men pay 30% more attention to you.” So I guess that means it’s 30% more dangerous to eat ice cream.
7 thoughts on “things i learned from this month’s cosmo”
First, I hope that ice cream does not improve the verility of males as well. Otherwise, I could give Warren Jeffs a run for his money…that is assuming I was getting any action at all. But that’s an entirely different blog post.
Also, trenchcoats: no. Sequined leggings: HELL no. A trench coat dress over sequined leggings: you’re a flasher/whore who got lost on the way to a Madonna concert circa 1985. Or, to quote my father, “Not only no, but Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhell NO!”
That is all.
I think I’ll go ahead and wear only one earring/eat full fat dairy 24/7 from now on, just to be on the safe side.
So… do guys still like blowjobs?
Matt — That quote from your dad: words to live by.
meg — I think that’s wise. You can never be too prepared.
Brittney — Yes. Speaking of blowing, Cosmo does warn never to try the “Can You Tell I Had Onions Tonight” earlobe blow, though.
Also, I actually had a saleslady in Sephora show me the vibrating mascara once, because I was simultaneously terrified and fascinated. I could barely tell the thing was moving. In fact, it’s entirely possible that it’s all a scam….
I’m still stuck on the vibrating mascara. That’s a really weird way to put your damn eye out. I mean, can you imagine showing up at the ER with THAT backstory?
“Fussy Punk. That’s the name of my new band.”
Better than ‘Pussy Funk’. And I mean that in every way possible.