things i learned from this month’s cosmo

It’s been awhile since my last foray into Cosmo-learning, but here I am, educated by a magazine, and ready to share my findings. Without further introductory blabbity blah, here we go:

1. The first thing I noticed in this issue was the cover headline, “AN ORGASM ALMOST KILLED HER” with the subhead, “WE ARE NOT KIDDING,” and I thought, “Orgasm-induced near-death experience? I should read that.” So I did, and learned that Cosmo really wasn’t kidding, and due to my snarky relationship with this magazine, I will admit that I was somewhat disappointed. And in case you’re wondering how an orgasm can potentially kill, I’ll tell you: see, this lady was on The Pill, and it apparently caused a blood clot in her leg, which, if you’ve ever sat through a Pill commercial on TV, you know is a potential side-effect. Anyway, apparently, the physical response of the orgasm — increased blood pressure, heart rate, etc. — somehow dislodged the clot from her leg and it traveled to her heart. And because she had another previously-undiagnosed condition called a patent foramen ovale (PFO) which, for us non-doctor types, is a small hole in the heart, the clot traveled to her brain where it caused a stroke. Now that’s one hell of an orgasm. So anyway, the lady is fine now, and the article points out that orgasm-induced stroke is not a common problem, as the PFO condition seems to be a prerequisite, but I read this particular paragraph: “In 2006, he treated a 30-year-old woman with a PFO who was on the Pill and had a stroke during orgasm. ‘She experienced the stroke as she climaxed. We believe the groan she released, in combination with the increase in heart rate and blood flow associated with orgasm, is what caused her stroke.” So I have some advice for you: if you have this condition and you’re on the Pill, make sure to have really quiet sex. Okay then, let’s move on.

2. “Whether you’re aiming for a baby or trying hard not to have one, you can now get text messages from such sites as to notify you when you’re likely to be most fertile. A typical update: ‘Your fertile window opens today and lasts five more days.'” Do you really need a text message for that?

3. The article “The New Attitude That Drives Men Wild” uses A-Rod and Madonna to illustrate, because you know, it’s been proven time and again over the last (give or take) 100 years that nobody’s sexier than Madonna. Mmmhmm. Anyway, the article says that you have to be kind of a bitch, but not in a bad way, in a good way, in a way that shows the world that you have balls, though not literally, of course. Just be… confident! Because nothing’s bitchier than a woman with confidence! We all know that! Also, in order to drive men wild, you have to be independent. They don’t want no clingy bitches. The article also says that men want to hunt you if you make yourself a prize worth seeking. Because men are natural hunters and women are natural prey. But not like scared little rabbits, no, because remember, no man is going to try to hunt you if you’re not a confident, independent bitch! Also, make sure that the hunting is not too difficult for him by not being aloof and being available. As the article says, “Finally, be aware that while guys like a chase, they ultimately want a reward. By maintaining a you-can’t-touch-this vibe for even a bit too long, you just might drive him away.” Remember though that the aforementioned “you-can’t-touch-this vibe” is not aloofness, because the article also says that aloofness is so old school. Totally. So to sum up, the article says that in order to drive men wild, a woman should be confident and independent, ballsy — bitchy! — and appear as a prize worth seeking, it doesn’t say anything about women doing any seeking themselves, because, you know, come on, there are limits to that confidence thing, but anyway, make him come after you, but don’t make him work too hard because then he’ll give up and we can’t have that. And if all else fails, wear leotards and have scary biceps like Madonna. (Maybe I just made up that last bit.)

4. When a guy says, “We can still be friends,” he means “We can still sleep together, but I’m not buying you dinner.”

5. 59% of men don’t want to know how many other men you’ve slept with.

6. Fun Fearless Fashion — How to “Stretch” Your Clothes: “Your checking account may have taken a hit, but that doesn’t mean your wardrobe has to suffer. These insider tips will maximize what’s already in your closet.” Oooh! But then suggestion #1 is this: “Incorporate workout wear. Bike shorts are in this season (we’re serious). Pair your gym staples with heels and a tailored jacket or cardigan.” Yes. My workout clothes. I totally see myself dressing them up with heels and a tailored jacket! Of course! But seriously, is that a trend? Who is trying to make that into a trend? Because I promise you that if I ever saw someone walking around in a pair of bike shorts and stilettos, there would be no end to my mockery. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Ahem.

7. Speaking of bad fashion advice, Cosmo suggests a printed romper. You know, like a jumpsuit, but with shorts instead of pants. (Note: they also suggest a jumpsuit.) In other news, I hate Cosmo.

8. “We came across fascinating news: Researchers have discovered that the smell of cucumber — that’s right, cucumber — makes women aroused.” If I had old archives handy (I have them but I can’t figure out how to read them, and trying has been a headache-inducing comedy of errors that I’d rather not talk about) I would show you that they reported on this sometime in the past, because I distinctly remember writing about it, and having a debate with myself about whether or not I should make a joke about being turned on by salad. But I don’t have old archives handy, so you’re just going to have to take my word for it: THEY CAME ACROSS THIS FASCINATING NEWS A REALLY LONG TIME AGO. Searches on the Cosmo website prove that they don’t want people to find things in old issues and prove how much they repeat themselves. Bastards.

9. Fun Fearless Way to Meet a Guy: “Approach a cutie while shopping. Tell him you are going to a party and want a guy’s opinion on a new outfit. Then show him two options, and make it at least seem like you’ll take his advice. Of course tell him where the bash is and suggest he stop by.” What they don’t mention: calling all your friends two minutes later and saying “So hey, I’m throwing a spur-of-the-moment party because I saw this guy in the mall and told him a lame-ass lie about how I was picking out an outfit to wear to a party and needed his help, so now I have to have a party! Please come over. And bring guacamole.”

10. Because I am so mature, I have to point out a line from my horoscope: “Attached? Have a talk when uptight Uranus creates tension around the 22nd.” Go on, read it out loud.

14 thoughts on “things i learned from this month’s cosmo

  1. 1. Seems like House MD case 😉
    4. When a guy says “We can still be friends”, he’s trying to make himself feel and look better – it seems to be a generous offer, he’s so honest, right? Works much the same with girl dumping guy, but let Cosmo journalists live in their own world.
    8. I’ve read about it couple of times already and not in Cosmo, it’s a universal news or sth…
    9. Yeah, which stranger would not like to be chsed around by a girl with two outfit options? Probably his girlfriend at home has always the same problem, so he would run away screaming 😉


  2. 6. I have seen this. It was horrible.
    7. They ran an article in our local paper about adult “onesies” (and not wrestling gear) the other day. I questioned it then, I question it now.
    8. I thought cucumber was supposed to be relaxing? Isn’t that the opposite of arousal? Am I just wrong? How DO you solve a problem like Maria???


  3. I blame the coffee for the list:

    1. My new pick-up line is, ‘I’m gonna sex you so hard that the blood clot in your leg will travel to your heart, potentially leading to cardiac arrest and/or stroke.’

    3. Independent: Good. Bitch? Why do women’s magazines think that being a bitch is ever a wise choice where man-wrangling is concerned? Do women really want the kind of emotional train wreck that enjoys being overwhelmed by the bitchiness?

    4. Not always. Unless you’re a bitch.

    5. 100% of me doesn’t want to know your historical ‘Bang’ statistics.

    9. ‘Yeah, that one makes your butt look big and the other would be fine IF YOU’RE A WHORE.’

    See what coffee does to me? It makes me surly.


  4. “59% of men don’t want to know how many other men you’ve slept with.”

    The other 41% are okay with it because their girlfriends have had fewer partners than they have.


  5. “59% of men don’t want to know how many other men you’ve slept with.”

    The other 41% have girlfriends who have had fewer partners than they have.


  6. Romper. WTF.

    Also, I think the word “cutie” is acceptable to say out loud, like, “That baby is such a cutie.” But when it enters the realm of print, I hate it. It’s like we have to admit the fact that it’s turned into a word.


  7. SA — It’s one of the more ridiculous guy-meeting tactics Cosmo has suggested, it’s true.

    fabulitas — I’m imagining that episode of House right now.

    Cheryl — Wait. You saw someone wearing bike shorts and heels? Your poor eyes. I’m so sorry.

    Sir — RE: #1… good luck with that. And sure, blame the coffee.

    Mindy — My comments are mean like that sometimes and I have given up on trying to figure out why. In any case, it’s a good comment, backed up with percentages. Percentages are very important.

    Wifey — Exactly. And not just a romper, a printed one. Preferably floral. The one in the photo spread appears to be made out of something chiffon-like and has ruffles. It’s… classy. Also I agree about the word “cutie” though I’m able to accept it more when it’s used to describe puppies or babies, but regardless of attractiveness, I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to refer to a guy over the age of 10 as a cutie, unless you’re annoying.

    Srah — Exactly! And yet I want to know how many people seek out unsuspecting guys so that they can try this.


  8. #1 – Oh and here I was going to brag.

    #3 – I’ve never had much use for Madonna and have had a hell of a lot less for A-Roid who can give Richie Rich a run for his money as the poorest little rich kid. Seriously, the guy is a joke in New York and Madonna seems like she has a Mickie-D sign on the door to her bedroom.

    I have never found acting like an a-hole to be endearing but then that’s just me.

    #4 – No it means I want to see other people but leave the door open for the occasional booty call.

    #5 – Everyone knows their number, men and women both. I really don’t care if it’s double figures (or triple figures) as long as she is focused on me at the moment. It’s not really a problem one way or the other.

    #7 – I would imagine this is only good if you are a teenaged fashion model or a candidate for the short bus. The non shorts jumpsuit has only been successfully worn by one women and that’s Diana Rigg when she was playing Mrs. Steed on the Avengers.

    #8 – This explains much behavior I have witnessed in the produce aisle of my local supermarket.

    #9 – I’m a rare breed that doesn’t mind some shopping with a women if only to ‘dress her up.’ Clothing choices are important and what you think may look attractive on you may actually not. I think the guy would be flattered if he was in fact attracted to you and it takes some of the pressure of him having to come up with a way to introduce himself.

    #10 – Ouch!

    PS – Man, that Ben really is a stinker, isn’t he?


  9. R-romper? WTF? I’m trying to imagine showing some poor stranger in the store two fucking ROMPERS and asking him which one you should wear to your fake party. And then being a bitch about whichever one he picks out, ’cause that’s hoooot.


  10. A more realistic, deadly conflagration of sex and death comes in the form of autoerotic asphyxiation.

    Here’s a short article referencing the dangers involved:

    I recall seeing a literary, unrated film in college made in Japan that centered around a couple who excited each other in this manner. Ultimately, the fellow convinced his partner that to reach the ultimate orgasm he would have to proceed farther and farther. He accepted his own death in this pursuit although she resisted creating the means for it. Tragic.


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