things i learned from this month’s cosmo

Dudes, I was in a Rite Aid earlier, so I picked up the latest Cosmo, because it’s not like I have anything else to blog about, and seriously, I always think buying Cosmo is kind of embarrassing, not like “Oops I really shouldn’t reach behind me to grab things since I do not have eyes in the back of my head and therefore can’t see what I’m doing and I’m really really sorry I grabbed your crotch and I’ll let go of it now and let’s never speak of this again” (true story), but still kind of embarrassing, and I ought to quit writing this sentence now, but I first have to tell you that it’s even more embarrassing to put an issue of Cosmo down on the counter at a Rite Aid and have the male employee at the checkout say, “Oh, Cosmo, eh?” in a sort of “wink, wink, nudge, nudge” way, just adds to it. The things I endure for you, internet. I hope you’re happy.

Anyway, I managed to put shame aside and learn some stuff. This is THE SEXY ISSUE, by the way. Also Whitney Port is on the cover and I don’t really know who Whitney Port is. Also also, there are several perfume samples in this magazine and one of them is totally stank-ass. I can’t tell which one it is, but it’s making my eyes water.

1. “Recent research indicates that chicks who dig their breasts enjoy greater pleasure in bed. Boost boob love with these tips from Victoria’s Secret stylist Todd Thomas: Apply self-tanner to cleavage, then dust shimmering powder on the tops of your breasts before donning a cami with a plunging neckline.” So here’s a question — are you only supposed to put the self-tanner on the cleavage? Like, yes, the rest of me? Totally white. But check out how tan my rack is! And is putting makeup on something really the key to loving it?

2. “Certain men kiss the way dogs say hello: by slobbering all over you. Some scientists now think this is because male saliva contains libido-increasing testosterone, so guys instinctively try to transmit their spit to get you in the sack. Who says dudes aren’t romantic?” Ugh. Let me tell you something. If I kiss a guy and he’s a drool factory, it’s pretty much over for me.

3. Cougars are old news, but the sexiest new kind of woman is the puma. What’s a puma? Well, a puma is a large cat, like a mountain lion. But in this case, it is also a woman in her 30s dating a man in his 20s. “She’s 30something rather than 40- or 50something. Like the cougar, she is hot, has her life together, is fully in control, and has a penchant for younger dudes. But while cougars often date younger men to feel young again themselves, pumas date them because, well, that’s just what happens to work for them in their lives right now.” Okay then. It doesn’t count if you’re 30 and he’s 29, but more if you’re 30 and he’s 25. (Though I suppose it would count if you’re 35 and he’s 29, but then, I guess it would not count if you’re 35 and he’s 29 but then turns 30, because then he’s just a younger dude, or something. I don’t really know. I didn’t read the whole article.) Anyway, pumas aren’t looking for long-term commitment, just fun, or something. And in 10 years, they’ll graduate to cougar-hood. I guess. Whatever.

4. Cosmo suggests that every girl should try a romper this season. “This is summer’s answer to the jumpsuit trend [Note: Gwyneth Paltrow is on the jumpsuit wagon, and it’s just another reason to think Gwyneth Paltrow is annoying] and you don’t need Blake’s bod to pull it off. Just choose styles that nip in at the waist, and add heels to elongate your legs.” Yes, BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE TO TAKE MY ENTIRE OUTFIT OFF EVERY TIME I PEE. I HATE YOU.

5. “What Guys Know About Sex That You Don’t” is a truly enlightening article that explains things like guys think it’s okay to have sex when they are sick with a cold. This reminds me of when I was in elementary school and we had a class (I was going to call it “a special unit” but changed my mind) called Human Growth & Reproduction and it involved these books featuring a cartoon naked couple. The books explained sex and where babies come from and all of that stuff which is so interesting to 8-year-olds, and one of the books explained that an orgasm feels like a sneeze, which is something that I’ve remembered all of my life, apparently so that I could mention it right now. You know, because orgasms, sneezes, sex while sick with a cold, somehow they all go together. I’ll leave you to figure it out.

6. There’s a list of 50 things to do while naked, such as painting your bedroom, e-mailing your crush, online shopping, or practicing new hairstyles (“Without anything on, you’ll be able to really zero in on the do and decide if it’s right.”) Without a doubt, my favorite suggestion is naked karaoke: “Do karaoke. is free and will turn your laptop into a singing machine. Your guy should definitely belt out ‘Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)’ naked.” Oh really?

7. Okay, apparently every year Cosmo conducts a poll and finds out what things are sexiest. Some things are predictable, like the sexiest shoes are stilettos, but some made me say “Nuh-uh” right out loud. Such as: Dane Cook being the sexiest funny guy, because a) no, and b) he’s not even funny. Or the sexiest guy trend being manscaping. Really? Also Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt are the sexiest celebrity couple, though I have to wonder if they took into account the fact that Brad Pitt often makes a face like he’s constipated, or at least like he has really bad gas.

8. “Fun Fearless Way to Meet A Guy: Is it just us or are hot waiters the new men in uniform? Next time you’re out for dinner with your girls, smile and make eye contact with a cute server. When the bill arrives, leave your number on the tip line and write that you owe him a drink.” Yes, because I’m sure he’ll be charmed by how cute you are when he notices that you essentially cheated him out of money he earned. That’s hot.

9. Is he judging you by your Facebook activity? Yes. Also Cosmo wrote about Twitter (mainly to say that it’s oddly fascinating when Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher tweet back and forth) so I think that means Twitter is over.

10. They give you advice on how to tell a guy is lying to you based on his body language. They also give you extra tips from the TV show Lie to Me, so you will always be prepared to bust a liar. Thanks, TV!

16 thoughts on “things i learned from this month’s cosmo

  1. I have no idea who that Port chick is either. Let me guess-some reality tv “star.”

    So if I’m in my 20’s and I date a 19 year old what does that make me, a Jaguar? Tiger? Lioness? These damn nicknames are getting ridiculous.

    (BTW, I’m not dating a 19 year old. Just bringing it up for discussion. Yep.)


  2. PUMA? Really, Cosmo, really? And what do we call a man in his 30s who dates a woman in her 20s? A hyena? Do tell!

    Anyway, I thought PUMAs were the crazy nutbags who loved Hillary so much that they would vote for McCain over Obama? Silly me!


  3. Whitney Port? Is she one of those people from The Hills? Seriously, I don’t know.

    I’m mostly just stuck on the whole teaching eight-year-olds about orgasms thing, because OMG!


  4. srah — Okay, how about men in leotards singing?

    emily — Joining in on the joys of waxing?

    SA — A cheetah! I don’t know.

    Preeti — A guy in his 30s who dates a woman in her 20s is a stud?

    dmb5_libra — It is wrong in many ways, but often entertainingly so.

    bohemian — Yeah, jumpsuits are gross.

    Peter — Ha. I know. I didn’t realize I was supposed to enjoy sneezing that much, but books don’t lie, dude.

    Fraulein N — Yeah, she was on The Hills and is now on a show called The City, I guess. I still don’t know who the hell she is though. And, um, heh. I went to a progressive elementary school. We learned a lot of things which at the time were entirely terrifying.


  5. So, does the trying new hairstyles while nude come before or after applying the self-tanner to one’s cleavage?

    I would think that bronzed boobs might distract from “zeroing in on the do.”

    And what about darker skinned women? How are they supposed to get their boobs up to par? Or do they already love their breasts more than lighter skinned women do?

    Ow! My brain hurts.


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