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You guys! It’s time to learn things from Cosmo! How exciting! Exclamation point!

1. Let’s get things started with a new and probably one-time-only feature: the in-depth analysis of the cover:

The Hot Issue, eh? I wonder if this means that Cosmo will finally start talking about sex.

Do you think guys still like blowjobs?

Oh, I really love annoying my friends, for one thing. For another thing, do they really mean all the time? Because that’s not such a good idea. “You want to know what my sign is? My sign is STOP TRYING TO FOLLOW ME INTO THE LADIES’ ROOM.”

Are orgasms like dogs and you have to be their pack leader?

His sex style miraculously reveals that he likes sex.

Really, Cosmo? Blow a Job Interview? Did you really do that? I know what you mean, and all, and maybe this is just further proof that I am still actually 12, but really? Did you really? To what lows won’t you stoop?

Aside from the fact that I always initially read “gyno” as “gyro” and then am momentarily confused about what lunch has to do with it, I have a serious question: does anyone really call her gynecologist her gyno?

I figured I should include this since it’s on the cover and all (also Katy Perry is this month’s cover model) but I couldn’t possibly care less about whose balls Katy Perry is grabbing.

After all of that, you may be thinking that I don’t know what in-depth analysis means, and… okay, fine.

2. The after-lunch quickie is a trend on the rise, but by “after-lunch quickie” Cosmo means “the Fling chocolate bar” so… yeah, not really interesting, then.

3. Strawberries, blueberries, peaches, avocados, and tomatoes have beauty benefits. I’m not going to write them all out (I mean, it’s right there in Cosmo if you want to read it) but basically, each has benefits for hair and skin, so yay, etc.

4. Cosmo polled 6,000 guys between the ages of 18-35 about sex. I guess this is the 125 Sex Moves article from the front cover? This is again a matter of false advertising. What this is is a list of options these guys had to choose from and the percentages of men who chose each answer. Some of these things aren’t, as the front cover puts it, “techniques that send them over the edge” because a) some of them aren’t techniques, b) some of them are about things guys DON’T like, and c) based on percentages, some of the options are not particularly popular. It’s not like they asked 125 questions, because I counted (well if I’m learning then I have to do my due diligence) and really, all the multiple-choice options (plus the things where men over 30 and men under 30 differed in opinion) totaled 125. Why you gotta be such a liar, Cosmo? Dang. Anyway, some highlights:

When you meet a woman for the first time, what grabs your attention?
A hot body – 61.6%
Seductive eyes – 27.1%
Gorgeous hair – 10.2%
A sexy voice – 1.1%

(See what I mean? None of these things are sex techniques. Also based on their own numbers, having a sexy voice doesn’t exactly seem to be sending guys over the edge in droves, does it?)

What’s something a woman may do in bed that totally turns you off?
Stay totally silent – 41.8%
Act self-conscious about her body – 37.5%
Tell me I am not doing a move correctly 14.7%
Be really bossy and dominant – 6%

What’s the one thing that would boost your usual sex routine?
Getting it on more often – 30.4%
Switching up the schedule and doing it at different times – 29.1%
Trying a new position – 20.8%
Engaging in more oral – 19.7%

(So, less than 20% of guys want more blow jobs? What does it all mean?)

Which sex scenario seems like the most fun?
Doing it in broad daylight – 46.8%
Getting dirty in the shower – 38.1%
Boinking with music blasting – 15.1%

What postaction move instantly kills your romantic mood?
Completely ignoring me – 35.6%
When she announces that she wants to talk – 28.6%
Getting up to fix the sheets we just messed up – 18.3%
Running into the bathroom to clean up – 17.6%
(35.4% of guys over the age 30 said the biggest mood killer is when a chick wants to talk after sex.)

Yeah. So there’s that. There are more, of course, but you know, that’s enough.

5. There’s an article called “He’s Perfect, But…” which is about the little habits that drive you crazy, and it comes with advice about how to get him to break said habits. One really stood out to me, the one in which he’s perfect, but he chews with his mouth open. Cosmo says, and I quote: “The fix: Whip out your cell and claim you just want to make a cute video of your dinner. Record several seconds of his chewing, then show him the clip, with his face in close-up mode — after the meal is over. Guys are very visual, and seeing his poor table manners onscreen will send him the message.” Seriously. I mean, can’t you just say, “Close your mouth,” and save yourself all the trouble? Or would the direct approach be too painful for him to bear? I honestly don’t think I would be able to make a video of someone chewing with his mouth open because that — along with the related problem of talking with half-masticated food in your mouth, and I swear, there is nothing in the world anybody has to say that is so important that they can’t take a second and swallow the food they’ve been chewing first, my GOD — is just painfully gross. So while I am impressed with Cosmo for teaching women how to take the passive-aggressive approach every time, I think there are times when it’s just better to say what’s bothering you and be done with it, no cleverness required.

6. How to get hit on all! the! time! Woo! First of all, if you want to get hit on all the time then you need to dress to thrill. How do you do that? You wear solid colors because that means you’re powerful and trustworthy. You should make subtle adjustments of your clothing — “we’re talking straightening out a wrinkled skirt, not meticulously lint-brushing your entire outfit.” Try dangling your stilettos from your toes instead of keeping them on your whole foot all the time because what are you uptight or something? (I suggest only trying that when you’re seated.) Show off your shoulders since they “plant one thought in a dude’s brain: boobs.” Apparently if you slightly hunch forward, it will somehow subconsciously make men think of you cradling a baby, which is hot. So, based on this, my suggestion would be that if you really need to do laundry and you don’t have any clean tank tops or anything, then be sure to take an infant with you to the bar. SIZZLE!

We’re not done. Oh no. If you want to get hit on all the time, you need to be relaxed. You should lean on the bar with one arm. You should look up at people instead of down at them, which would be difficult if you were really tall, but if you’re not tall, then that’s kind of how it works naturally, isn’t it? And if you’re shy, then you should stand in the middle of a group of people, because that will make you seem popular. I remember reading somewhere — probably Cosmo, let’s face it — that a guy won’t approach a woman who is surrounded by her friends because he doesn’t want to take the chance of being rejected in front of all of them, so now I’m so confused.

They also say, if you want to get hit on all the time, you need to show off your vulnerable side by not covering your throat, and exposing your wrists and demonstrating trust by leaving your purse between you and a guy — “Leaving your purse between you and a guy subtly demonstrates that you’re willing to allow him near something valuable to you. (While Freud said that a woman’s purse represents her genitals, we simply believe that it contains all your makeup, and that stuff’s freakin’ expensive.)”

And finally, if you want to get hit on all the time, subtly beckon him over. “Your belly button should be pointed toward whatever it is you’re interested in,” Cosmo says, and I don’t really know how to point my belly button at anything because it is an innie. Anyway, you should also point your feet and knees toward the guy you want to hit on you. Taken all together, I think perhaps they mean you should face the person. OH! That makes more sense. Also, if you’re sitting with your hands in your lap you should “make a subtle okay sign with your index finger and thumb.” And then, when you make eye contact, you should give a knowing smirk, or “you can open your mouth a little bit (picture the way women look in romantic comedies when they see a hot guy for the first time). Your open mouth makes him think of… well, use your imagination.”

So there you go.

7. The Orgasm Whisperer! Lube! Okay!

8. Five ways not to get hired — you twittered about your interview after it was over, you wore too much perfume, you were over-friendly, you spoke negatively about your former boss, or you talked too much. I think most of these things are pretty straightforward, really, but I am not convinced that mentioning online that you think your interview went well is a kiss of death, even though apparently it signals to employers that people have no idea what discretion is. Maybe I’m being willfully wrong, because I have an online presence and I do write occasionally about my job hunt because it’s a part of my life. But honestly, if that’s enough not to get me hired, then oh well. The truth of the matter is that I’m an adult. I’m smart and I’m capable. I know what confidentiality is and I know how to maintain it. And if a potential employer looks me up and finds me and subsequently believes that I am untrustworthy because I am on Twitter and I have a blog, then so be it. That says more about that person than it does about me, anyhow. So I guess my point is that I know what the boundaries are, and there has never been a time when I haven’t respected them. If I write about a job interview on the internet and that negates everything that’s positive about me in the eyes of the people who have the power to hire me, then I don’t want to work for them anyway. I have applications floating around right now (though people so rarely even acknowledge that they received them) and I suppose I could be shooting myself in the foot with this paragraph, with this entire post, but the truth is that I’m applying for work in good faith and I’m not going to hide from anybody in the process.

9. A daringly low-cut jumpsuit is apparently one of the new sexy must-haves. I wish people would stop trying to push jumpsuits like they look good, because they don’t.

10. Finally this month, Cosmo treats us to a bunch of last-minute beauty tricks that stylists use on celebrities. I really don’t believe that it’s possible to use clear tape to hold my hair in place — it’s not really made to stick to hair — and I wouldn’t want to, anyway, because, um, I don’t like ripping out my hair. I said “hair” too much. Hair hair hair.