things i learned from this month’s cosmo

So, I’ve been dutifully reading Cosmo and reporting on it for what feels like 100 years now, and I realized something as I was flipping through the current issue for the fourth time to find something to write about: I’m over it. Maybe I’m just grumpy and preoccupied with other things (I’m kind of busy and stressed for the next two weeks), but I can’t say that I feel like there’s anything to write about here. Go figure.

Wait, there’s this:

“Use Your Thong as a Hair Tie
There are few things guys like more than long hair, women’s underwear, and sex. So combine all three!
If things are getting hot and heavy, stopping the action to go search for a ponytail holder will kill the mood. So instead, grab — or take off — your underwear. Simply fold the crotch up so that the thong forms an open circle, twist your hair into a low pony or bun, and use your panties like an elastic band to secure your locks.”

My first reaction was to look at the magazine and say “No.” I mean, aside from the fact that I’d rather just deal with my hair getting in the way because that’s what it does — my hair gets in the way, and it doesn’t even matter what I’m doing, and that’s life — than to stop and make a thong ponytail, I spent some time examining a pair of underwear for its potential effectiveness as a hair tie (green ones featuring reindeer with sparkly red noses — they’re obviously for the holiday season) and while indeed it does work, it feels much bulkier than, say, a rubber band. I can’t really deal with anything bulkier than a rubber band, because I like things the way I like them, and I just had a flashback to scrunchies. I am anti-scrunchie. (Scrunchy?) Furthermore, there’s this, more pressing, problem:

Even though it’s entirely different in every possible way, I was immediately reminded of that scene in Raising Arizona where Nicolas Cage is stealing Huggies and the guy just looks at him and says “Boy, you got a panty on your head.” (That may actually be my favorite line in that movie.) The mere thought of this cracks me up, and sexy times and uncontrollable laughter don’t necessarily mix so well, especially if it’s entirely one-sided and potentially involves snorting. I know this much is true.

Anyway, I thought since I didn’t feel like writing about any of the contents of this issue of Cosmo (aside from thong ponytails, that is), I would try something a little different. In this particular issue, even though most of the content failed to inspire me to snark, I kept noticing the ads. So at least there’s that. Here are 10 of them:

1. Calvin Klein Euphoria
calvin klein euphoria
Okay, I don’t really have much to say about this one, so way to kick things off with a bang, me. But aside from the fact that this includes samples and the guy version smells way better than the lady version (though neither made me feel euphoric), I know that when I’m experiencing euphoria, it’s like I’m in a giant purple dress and the wind is getting all molest-y with the skirt. It’s exactly like that. Way to go, Calvin Klein ad people.

2. Maybelline vibrating mascara
i think that's a double entendre, you guys
Okay, for one thing, I don’t want to use mascara with a vibrating wand, because I’m afraid that doing so would involve blood and howling “MY EYES! OH GOD! MY EYES! NOOOOO!” and I just don’t really need that in my life right now. But that tagline, “Now, vibration does what no hand can!” do you think it’s possibly some kind of clever reference to some other activity that can be done with, um, something that vibrates or a hand? Do you?

3. Bebe
yippe ki yay
Ride that cougar. That’s what she said. Zing!

4. London Fog
she's naked under that coat
Okay, so Gisele Bündchen is naked under that coat. But I don’t know if it’s an angle thing or a retouching thing or what, but there seems to be something wrong with her hip. No? Doesn’t there? I don’t know. It’s weird.

5. Britney Perfume
blabbity blah blabbity blah just like a circus
I know Britney is all circus-themed now and whatnot, but this perfume? It smells like 100 old ladies trapped in an elevator. Not really my fantasy.

6. Dolce & Gabbana
catching flies
There used to be this D&G perfume that I really liked, but I can’t remember what it was called. Anyway, I don’t have anything to say about this except it’s further proof that Scarlett Johansson never closes her mouth. I know she’s supposedly wicked hot and all or something but to me she looks like she might have a problem with drooling.

7. Tampax Pearl
what a bitch
Okay, before I switched over to the Diva Cup which some people think is horrifying but I find that it is the awesomest thing ever, at least in terms of making my period no big deal instead of something that makes me want to die, and I love that thing, I used Tampax Pearl tampons. They were a’ight. But when my period would start in the middle of the night and I’d wake up and think “Oh fucking hell,” I never really felt like Mother Nature was shining a spotlight in my face.

8. Beckham signature perfume/cologne
i vant to suck your blood
I know this is supposed to be a sexy photo of Posh & Becks, but instead it looks like this is happening the second before he goes full vampire on her, even though he’s not sparkly. And I suppose we could talk about sexuality and vampirism if you want, but you don’t want to talk about that and neither do I, so let’s move on.

9. Astroglide
Corn in the vagina!

10. Dolce & Gabbana, again
I just now noticed that this is the second D&G ad I’ve highlighted, which is neither here nor there, really, but when I look at this I sort of worry about Naomi Campbell throwing a phone at me. I know that’s illogical; it’s an ad, and she can’t possibly throw a phone at me from the confines of a printed piece of paper, and yet…. I’m scared. Hold me.


9 thoughts on “things i learned from this month’s cosmo

  1. I think Gisele was pregnant during the London Fog shoot and so they photoshopped out what must have been a minuscule to non-existent baby bump. And they did a terrible job, hence the wonky hip.

    That astroglide ad is just wrong. Like cigarettes, some things should not be allowed to be advertised in print. Simply because I think they are gross.


  2. Um, I really would fully expect a thong in the hair to be a turn off. Especially if one is doing it like I picture based on this description – in the middle of getting it on, in front of the person of interest, with a dirty piece of underwear. If that doesn’t cause someone to stop and give you a strange look and never call you again, I don’t know what will.


  3. wifey — Oh. Maybe bad Photoshop is to blame. Whatever it is, lady has a funky hip. Also, I was in the grocery store earlier today and I saw some ears of corn in the produce section and I thought of that Astroglide ad. Great.

    Cheryl — Good point. So maybe it could be handy if you’re not exactly to the sex part yet but kind of naked and you change your mind.

    srah — Well, I used tampons overnight all the time and never got TSS, whatever that’s worth. Not to be a total hippie about the Diva Cup again, but I really don’t miss tampons at all.

    GWCH — I know. Butt floss in the hair! Sign me up! Cosmo has maybe finally gone over the edge.


  4. Jason — Yes, Pumpkin, I do. If you really want to know, and I suspect you don’t, but you’re the one who brought it up, so game on — there’s no mess, no fuss, no leaks, no glorified cotton balls bleached and treated with god knows what kind of chemicals (ergo, no worries about Toxic Shock Syndrome), no cramps. It’s clean, it’s safe, it’s cheaper than disposable options, it’s environmentally friendly. So it is therefore awesome and I win.


  5. I yearn for the day when I can proudly proclaim to someone over a romantic dinner that, ‘Everything I know about hoo-hah maintenance I learned from the comments section of this blog written by a woman who uses what I can only imagine is something like a sippy cup to aid in her ‘womanly appointment.’


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