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Earlier this month, I received a request from Emily Ann:

Jamelah, I have a request of you. I really really need you to do your “What I learned this month from Cosmo” on the January issue. Please see the linked reason why. Also, I will love you forever.

Well, I am not one to turn down being loved forever, so I looked at the link she helpfully provided. And… here it is. I feel that the cover of this issue has already been well taken care of, so I suppose it is up to me to write about how to have a sexy vagina.

By the way, writing the phrase, “I suppose it is up to me to write about how to have a sexy vagina” is something that gave me a moment’s pause, wherein I had to consider how it is I’ve gotten to this place in life, the place where I’m the one people turn to when they need someone to write about sexy vaginas. Considering other places in life I could be, I have to say… not bad.

But now it is time to get down to business (as it were), so here are 10 things I’ve learned from this month’s Cosmo. Let’s all be enlightened. That will be my Christmas present to you.

1. Sparkly leggings are in! I saw a pair in a store last weekend and I believe when I looked at them, I said something intelligent like “HA!” Because it was clearly a joke, right? A pair of skin-tight, sequin-covered pants (well, they’re not really pants) can’t be for real. I mean, have we slipped into some kind of David Lee Roth fashion vortex? But apparently they are for real, and though Cosmo never mentions it, 2010 is the year of styling oneself after Diamond Dave. Or something. What Cosmo does say is this: “They’re serious attention grabbers, but layer on additional shine and you’ll end up looking like the floor after a New Year’s Eve party. So limit the sequins to your legs, and balance them out with a boyish top — like an oversize tee — or a boxy blazer.” Actually, this is less Diamond Dave and more… early 90s. The leggings with the giant t-shirts. And the boxy blazers? Really? Nothing says “flattering” like a pair of skin-tight not-exactly-pants paired with something that makes you look like you’re built like a refrigerator. Next thing you know, they’re going to bring back stirrup pants. DON’T SAY I DIDN’T WARN YOU.

2. Cosmo asked 100 guys on the street, and three-quarters of them (75, then) said that a mid-winter spray tan was too fake.

3. “If you mindlessly do your makeup in his line of sight, you’re missing an ideal opportunity to push his lust button.” (Lust button?) “The next time you reach for your beauty gear, use tantalizing application techniques to tease him. What tantalizing application techniques should you use? Let me tell you! Or, rather, let me just quote directly from the source:

Lipstick
Part your lips slightly so that your mouth is open and relaxed (guys are into that), then sensually trace the shape of your lips with the tube. One coat is all you’ll need.

Mascara
Swipe the wand dramatically through your lashes a few times (resist layering too much). Channel Marilyn Monroe, and flutter them a bit before you look up at him.

Powder
Turn away from him, and hold up a compact that has a built-in mirror. Sweep on powder, and then “accidentally” catch his eye in the mirror as you flash a sexy smile.

Okay, let’s talk about this for a minute. In what context is this happening? When you’re getting ready in the morning or getting ready to go out? Okay, maybe. But if you’re out and you notice some dude checking you out, is that ever the time to put on mascara? Also, how do you dramatically sweep a mascara wand through your lashes? I mean, I know how to put on mascara, but I don’t know how to DRAMATICALLY put on mascara. I think if I tried I might accidentally stab myself in the eye. Just a guess.

4. I’m pretty sure I learned this from Cosmo already, but I guess we can’t learn too many times that men’s favorite sex position is girl-on-top. Right? Can’t learn that too many times? Something? I don’t know. I told you, though: Cosmo repeats itself a lot. In this way, the magazine is much like that one person at parties and other social gatherings. You know the one. The person who nobody wants to talk to, because if you get stuck talking to that person, you’re going to have to hear some FASCINATING story about something, but you’ve already heard this FASCINATING story at least a million times, and this person just won’t get new material, and then you accidentally say hi and then you’re stuck over by the guacamole for an hour listening to this person go on and on and you’re like “DUDE, I KNOW” and it doesn’t matter, and then you keep trying to make eye contact with your friends so that you can get one of them to rescue you, but your friends are smarter than you are and they’re not coming over, because they know that if they come over, they’re going to get trapped too, so you make the best of it by eating the guacamole (it is pretty good guacamole, at least) and then you accidentally drop a blob of it down your shirt, but it’s not really an accident, because now you are finally free, even if it’s just to run to the bathroom to get mashed avocados out of your bra. And then for the rest of the night you’re known as Guacamole Tits. AGAIN.

5. Okay, there’s this article/list called “50 Fun Ways to Fire Up Your Love” such as, “Write reminders in his BlackBerry calendar on the sly, like ‘Ravage Sarah tonight.’” (Jamelah Note: And then ask “WHO THE HELL IS SARAH?!?” Because I’m sure that would ALSO be fun.)

6. “Fun, Fearless Way to Meet a Guy: Target a hot guy in headphones at your gym or while riding the bus, and get close enough that you can overhear his iPod. Tap him on the shoulder and gush that you looove the song he’s listening to so much and you need to know who sings it… then ask if he has any other cool music picks he’d recommend.” Really? Because I think that even though some people listen to music on headphones loudly enough for other people to hear it while not standing too close (and those people will be deaf someday), the majority of people don’t do that, right? I don’t know, maybe not, but I think I’m correct. So anyway, my point is, how close do you have to stand to some dude at the gym to hear what he’s listening to, and, um, what are you supposed to do? Jump on the treadmill behind him? And then when you tap him on the shoulder, before getting to the part about how much you love the song he’s listening to, say “Don’t be alarmed”?

7. Make your own nude! Oooh! Paper dolls! What am I talking about? I’ll show you:

So you cut out one of those celebrity heads, and the choices are staggering. Why, there’s Brad Pitt, making his best “I have really bad gas” face! And pasty, pasty Robert Pattinson! And there’s John Mayer, and… okay, we need a close-up of John Mayer for this:

The squareness of his head, combined with the paper doll flaps… well, those flaps could look like bolts, couldn’t they? And you know who has a really square head and bolts? Frankenstein. SEXY.

Anyway, you take one of those paper doll heads and you stick it on this:

And there you go. You get your very own Frankenstein naked picture! Yay! (By the way, the caption on that photo with the conveniently-placed towel? “Ding-dong! Did someone order a package?” HA. Ha. Ahem.

8. “Hold your shoulder: A man who touches you here is attracted to you. The way the shoulder fills his palm is reminiscent of the shape and feeling of a breast.” For real? Oh god.

9. The #1 new sexy wardrobe essential? A jumpsuit. STFU, Cosmo.

10. Okay, the vagina thing. On the cover, it says “Get a healthy, sexy vagina,” and you know, in that GFY post I linked way up near the beginning of this post, Jessica summed it up pretty well: “[A]ccording to this cover, now I have to get a sexy VAGINA? Are you SERIOUS? SERIOUSLY, COSMO, ARE YOU SERIOUS? Worrying that your vagina is not sufficiently sexy is like being concerned that your ear drums are flabby: IT IS RIDICULOUS. Don’t we have enough to worry about — unemployment, teen pregnancy, insufficiently voluminous hair, and the possible resurgence of clogs — without being told we need to be sitting around wondering if our vagina looks frumpy? STOP THE MOTHERF’ING MADNESS. EVERYONE’S VAGINA IS FINE. WORRY ABOUT THE CLOGS.”

But wait a second. When you get to the article itself, it is called, “Everything You Need to Know About Your Vagina” and it doesn’t really have anything at all to do with how to make a vagina sexy. Like, it doesn’t say to dress it up in a feather boa or anything like that. Although maybe that thought just cracked me the hell up, because CAN YOU IMAGINE? Anyway, I suppose that if there are any suggestions on sexing up, er, sexy-ing up your vagina, it would be the suggestion on doing Kegels (though the article never actually uses the word “Kegels” it’s talking about Kegels, okay?), and also it mentions this: “THE HAIR AROUND IT ISN’T NECESSARY Back in caveman times, pubes shielded the vagina from bacteria and trapped odor to attract men. Today, we have clothes to protect us. And as for attracting a guy with your hairy crotch, the opposite may be true: Some guys are turned on by seeing a woman’s bare V.” So there’s that. I’m not really sure what this means for the makers of pube dye, however. Though of course, attracting someone and being at the point where he’s turned on by the fact that yes, you got a Brazilian are two different things. I mean, you don’t walk around pantsless so that dudes can see whether or not you waxed (and therefore have a sexy vagina), right? Right? I mean… okay, I’m nitpicking, but really.

Anyway, the main thing I learned from this article, which I will share with you now, is the following: “Usually, the walls of the vagina lie compressed against each other. But when they need to open — to accommodate a tampon or penis — the sides separate and widen, kind of like the way an umbrella opens or a pleated skirt unfolds.” You guys! An umbrella! Is that funny to anyone other than me?

Right-o. There’s some Cosmo-learnin’ for you. Happy Holidays.