thy eternal summer shall not fade

So, Caryn, who is a source of information about things that I never would’ve even thought about imagining, shared a link with me the other day about a product. I believe my first reaction to seeing this product was to say, “Oh my god.” Do you want to know what it is? I’ll tell you: it’s labia dye! Yes. Labia dye. I wonder if you can use labia dye and Betty dye at the same time. Huh.

Anyway. At first I thought that I didn’t really have anything to say about this, because, of course, someone invented labia dye. Of course. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that, what the hell? Someone invented labia dye. And… WHY?

Well, friends. It turns out that there are four shades of labia dye — Marilyn, Bettie, Ginger, and Audr[e]y (they can’t seem to decide on the site whether there’s an e in Audrey or not) — and each shade is a little darker than the last, with Marilyn being the lightest shade and Audr[e]y being the darkest shade. And… I don’t know. Let’s take some information from the site and see what we learn.

My New Pink Button ™ is a temporary dye to restore the youthful pink color back to your labia.

Right.

There is no other product like it.

I believe that’s true.

This patent pending formula was designed by a female certified Paramedical Esthetician after she discovered her own genital color loss.

Oh. I know it’s difficult, but let’s ignore the fact that “patent pending” should be hyphenated. So, okay. This lady, this Paramedical Esthetician* (do I have to keep capitalizing that? I say no) was examining her lady parts and said “Egads! My labia have lost their youthful glow!” (Maybe that’s not an exact quotation, but it’s sort of like one of those dramatic reenactments, except in an entirely text-based form.) So my first question is, how much time do you have to devote to examining your lady parts to notice any changes in shade?

While looking online for a solution she discovered thousands of other women asking the same questions regarding their color loss.

THOUSANDS. She discovered THOUSANDS. THOUSANDS OF WOMEN have been staring helplessly at their labia, bemoaning the fade of the pink. Really.

After countless searches revealing no solution available and a discussion with her own gynecologist she decided to create her own.

Whoever wrote this copy should look into the use of commas. But back to the point. Since Google didn’t reveal any solution to the horrible tragedy that is labia color fade, this bold paramedical esthetician took matters into her own hands (heh heheheh heh) and invented labia dye! She’s like a labia superhero!

Now there is a solution!

Oh thank goodness.

Okay, then, now it’s clear why someone invented labia dye. It’s because she was distressed about the fading color of her own labia and saw that THOUSANDS OF WOMEN were crying out in agony and despair for something to restore their youthful labial blush and she came to the rescue! Someone needs to nominate this woman for a Nobel Prize already.

But wait. I have a few issues with this product. Let me explain them to you now.

Issue #1: What?

Okay, so who the hell is all up in their own business, staring at it enough to notice changes in color? Do they do the old mirror-between-the-thighs trick every morning and then note on a spreadsheet how pink it is? Are they getting complaints from sex partners? Something along the lines of, “I’m sorry, I just can’t deal with your old, faded lady bits. We have to break up.”

I mean, really? How much attention is one supposed to pay to the color of one’s labia? Isn’t everything okay as long as nothing turns black and falls off?

Issue #2: Why?

Okay, seriously. I think all women have a friend or two with whom they can talk about anything (ANYTHING) because with those friends, there’s no such thing as TMI. I think this is a good thing, because sometimes you just need to tell someone that you have cramps and your boobs hurt and you just ate an entire pint of chocolate ice cream and everything is making you cry. Or that you somehow sliced open your armpit when you were shaving. Or that you have a urinary tract infection and you’re afraid that the people you work with are going to start thinking you have a drug habit because you keep disappearing into the bathroom every 15-30 minutes, because you always feel like you’re about to pee your pants but then when you do go, it’s like, two drops, and you just want to yell “WHY IS MY BODY TORTURING ME?”

Sometimes you need to share, is what I’m saying. But in all that sharing, I’ve never once had a conversation about the color of my labia, or anyone else’s labia, for that matter. It’s just… not really something that comes up for discussion. I believe the reason for this is because it’s not an issue. I mean, really? Listen. Women have enough body anxiety as it is, and whether or not this is an entirely stupid phenomenon is probably another discussion for another day, but the point is, let’s not add to the list of things to worry about, okay? On top of everything else, I don’t need to concern myself with wondering whether or not my labia are pink enough. I just don’t.

Issue #3: How?

I find that the website is less than forthcoming with information. From the FAQ:

Q. “Where do I put it exactly”?
A. Please see our detailed instructions with the self-explanatory diagrams. Its easy as 1-2-3!

It’s/Its. OH MY GOD.

Anyway, I always find that instructional diagrams are less than self-explanatory. Be that as it may, I’m just imagining someone lying there (I doubt this can be done while standing) holding a diagram in one hand and a dye applicator in the other hand and sobbing because she just dyed her mattress and inner thigh Bettie Pink.

As a bonus from the FAQ:

Q. “Can you use this solution on other body parts”?
A. Yes, this can be used on the nipples and men’s genitals.

It’s nice to know that at least men aren’t left out of the dyeing of genitalia.

So, yeah. Labia dye. Who knew?

___________________________________________________________
* Have you been wondering what exactly a paramedical esthetician is? I looked it up for you.) I’m helpful that way.

5 thoughts on “thy eternal summer shall not fade

  1. I can honestly say my first reaction to his was, “Ewwwww!” Followed immediately by the thought some people have way too much time on their hands. Then there was the realization the more civilized we imagine ourselves to be, the more we regress back to our tribalistic ways.

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  2. I looked at the site today and I got to thinking that would make one hell of an infomercial! I just can’t understand why there are videos or before and after pics – what!? You’re just supposed to take their word for it?

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  3. There is nothing about this post that I don’t love. Well, except the bizarre product you’re reviewing–but your sudden grammatical notes in the middle of discussing what may be the weirdest product ever invented are brilliant.

    Like

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